What rape gave me

Five years ago today was the day I was raped.

Normally you would think that today is a really hard day where I am sad and spend the whole day thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I spend my fair share of time thinking but today ends up being a bit more different than that.

When my one year mark hit I was flooded with something unexpected. Letters. I had letters from all members of my family, from friends, from people who I didn’t even know. These letters were telling me things like how proud they were of me, how strong I was, how brave I was and gave me tips, advice, prayers, and scriptures in these beautiful and heartfelt cards. They all just let me know how loved I was. My family gave me the BEST thing they could give me to help me heal. A support system. That first year all the people I loved took me to dinner and made me smile and laugh and gave me new, happy memories to have on the 17th of May. They called today, Miquelle Day and it's been recognized every year since.

**I realize not all people have the luxury of a good support system and those are the people that i admire even more. Having to heal and learn alone takes strength and courage beyond the capacity I have and those people are a gift to the world.**

This year I have realized I don’t need my own holiday, I don’t need dinner or flowers regardless of if they come or not. They will always be loved and I will always have so much gratitude for them, but I don’t need them. Today isn’t about my own holiday. It’s about realizing how far I've come. It’s about taking care of myself. It’s about not defining every year after by what happened. It’s making new memories that will help dull the painful one you’ll think about every year. It’s about doing a self check to make sure you are healing right and making new goals for continuing your progress for the next year. Already it’s been super cool seeing my progress. I have done a post on facebook every year (however it was not public as to what about) and even the difference in those posts are mile markers.So today I have just taken the time to think of what being raped gave to my life. Yes, added. (It took things, I know, but I won’t focus on that. It won’t get me anywhere.)

Being raped gave me my voice.

I know that seems so odd because really rape takes your voice. But as I have coped and healed, I learned that I never really had a voice in the first place because I didn’t have the time to find it. In past relationships or “hook-up’s” I never called the shots, I never had the ideas and I never started any intimacy. I always agreed to it (up to my rape) but I never had a voice in saying opinions or anything. I learned that what I think, feel, and want matters and my voice IS good enough to express.

Being raped gave me confidence

I don’t have the best confidence, and I don’t love what i see in the mirror everyday. But that is getting better, and it is DEFINITELY better than it has ever been! I am growing to love who I am and who I am becoming.

Being raped gave me worth

It only gave this to me after it took it all. I had to learn how to get it all back but that’s the key. I had to LEARN to get it back. I had to work to see my worth through my saviors eyes. I had to work to see my worth to my parents. I had to work to see my worth from my friends and my family and I had to work to see my worth from myself. And like all things, when you have to work so hard...when you have to fight with every fiber of your being every day to gain something it does not easily disappear.

Being raped gave me an inner fight

This inner fight is my favorite thing I've had to take from this! I learned to fight for trust, fight for love, fight for faith, fight to ban fear, fight to smile, fight to laugh, fight to feel happy, fight to BE happy, fight to have relationships and fight to have a future! I LOVE that! Some days its hard and exhausting but I love that I get to fight for all of it. I get to be passionate and work hard and then i get to see the rewards from me working so hard and that is the best!!

So today and on this day every year i celebrate. Because I cannot be kept down. I fight for what I want and I can achieve it even if things happen to try and make me believe otherwise. I can rise up and I can do hard things. What was taken from me when I was raped is not a permanent settlement. I have come from the ashes and I am fighting daily because I am worth the fight. Rape isn’t going to keep me from living the life that my Heavenly Father wanted me to live because unlike what my attacker showed me, I am worth more than that!

Insecurities (part 2)

I know that i just did a blog post 2 days ago. I am also aware that it was titled insecurities. Well, to be real with you, although i meant every word of that last post, I was not honest. I found that for myself that did not sit right with me. In reality, the post was short because this post was so hard for me. I haven’t narrowed it down to exactly why… maybe it was because through this blog, people have looked up to me for strength and advice...maybe it was because as soon as i said it out loud and out for the world to see it would make it real and then people would know… maybe it's just because admitting that you have such devastating insecurities is freaking scary.

But truth is that i struggle most with the insecurities that rape and depression left me.

Not all of these insecurities started with the rape. Some came about when my biological dad left. Some happened when life just got hard. A Lot surfaced when I was battling suicide and depression. But  most of them started the minute i got raped. Isn’t that fascinating? That one defining moment will alter the way you think feel and act when you’ve behaved that way for your entire life prior to this one moment. Those other insecurities solidified themselves into my existence, because, even though the insecure statements and thoughts were never uttered from his lips, THIS IS HOW HE MADE ME FEEL! And unfortunately, Satan, The evil thing he is, LOVES that this is the way i feel. And because i have felt these things so deep previously he knows exactly how to whittle his way in and make it all affect every aspect of my daily life.

The really frustrating part is i don’t feel my insecurities on a daily basis. Some show themselves more on other days where a some days are really good and i don't have to feel insecure about anything and i don’t have to fight that hard...Then some days i feel like i can't fight hard enough and my insecurities win. That’s what makes them suck so bad. You have days where there is no grey and you love yourself and you love life and you love people and you love the world so you can feel what it is like to not care, not to have insecurities and just be you.

I have had people tell me “Well, if you are struggling with these things, if you really have these insecurities, then you are not ready to be in a relationship or be married (ect)”.

FALSE

I can function. I have learned how to fight my battles and i have learned how to work hard to accomplish what i want and i have learned that one moment such as rape doesn't define who i am and it never will. Truth is EVERYONE has insecurities and EVERYONE has to deal with them. And if their statement was true no one would be in their right mind to have a husband or a wife or a child or a significant other.

Well, now you have heard my ranting soap box about how insecurities suck and how clearly talking about my insecurities is an insecurity. :p

Well here it goes….the reason i do my blog...it's to be open and vulnerable enough to hopefully maybe one day help someone out, even if it's just to let them know they are not alone in what they feel...that someone else out there gets it. These are mine and the reasons why i have them and what my head tells me to make them stick around.

MY Insecurities

Being a good wife/being good enough for a man

Obviously this one has surfaced recently, since i have only been a wife since December. It was always a quiet fear in my mind in the weeks leading up to the wedding but it's much more prominent now. This isn’t a “poor me, I don’t deserve anyone”. This is just something that my mind has created. I know it started when my dad left me for good at 12 and i convinced myself that it was because i wasn’t a good enough kid for him. Then it settled deeper when a person i cared about and did my best to make things work with and make him happy because his feelings mattered to me proved to me that i wasn’t good enough for people. I was just merely a vessel for his momentary and disgusting desires.

I am nowhere near perfect. And i am okay with that! But, everytime I do something wrong in my relationship with my husband...every time i snap at him when i shouldn’t...every time I don’t do something i say i am going to do...every time I am sick and can’t work a full paycheck to help support us, that insecurity pops into my head loud and clear…

“See, You can’t do this and you will never be good enough for a man like Corey. You’re only good for a few things and being a wife isn’t it”.

How messed up is that? However, i am privileged to turn around and combat that and fight hard for things i love and want. And that is so much more rewarding to me.

Trusting too much/not enough

This is pretty cut and dry, and makes more sense to an “outsider's” eye. No matter how much progress i make, no  matter how much my relationships with people progress, there comes a point in my new relationships with people that causes it to come to a halt. I start thinking i’m putting too much into this and i trust them too much and it’s a waste of time. And sadly enough (yes i recognize this and i am working on it) I start setting them up to fail. With the exception of Corey (maybe cause i’m like crazy in love with him or something...weird) I have done this with 95% of the relationships i have made since i was raped. I know that this is a subconscious thing and most of the time i don’t realize i have done it till its finished or too late. But it is there and it happens. And it’s just a side effect, if you will, of being a rape survivor. This used to be something I would beat myself up about all the time. I used the you should you shouldn’t statements to convince myself this wasn’t right. And no, it's not healthy but it takes time and effort and it’s something I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life.

My body

Yep, this one made the list. Go figure, right? I know this is something that a lot of individuals struggle with. And how can you not? Society and the world will NEVER be happy with a body image. Something's always wrong and something can always be changed. But there is something in the brain (not for everyone i just know this is common and i’ve crossed paths with a lot who have felt the same)  that makes you think you and your body are disgusting and completely worthless.

Although I love the movie, and i quote this on many occasions this concept always reminds me of it. Its from shark tale and it’s when Oscar is in trouble with Mr. Sykes who is in trouble with Don Lino (the shark).  Mr Sykes explains to Oscar by pulling down a chart where he fits in on the food chain.

Sykes: On the top there’s Don Lino, there’s me, there’s regular fish.

Oscar: And then that’s me!

Sykes: No. There’s plankton, there’s single-celled amoebas…

Oscar: And then me!

Sykes: I’m getting there, i’m getting there...There’s coral, there’s rocks, there’s WHALE poop, and then there’s you.

Oscar: That’s messed up…

With some humor to it (plus who doesn’t love Will Smith) that’s how you feel. You are literally below the scum of the earth. Whatever is below poop, doesn’t look good, doesn’t smell good, doesn’t feel good and isn’t good. When something isn’t good and is shown it has no REAL purpose it’s easy to believe it. Fighting my body image has been one of my hardest struggles and i’m SO grateful for the progress i’ve made and for the patience that my husband has with it and all the hiccups it causes in our relationship.That leads nicely into my next insecurity…

My intimate life with my husband

My hopes is that no one looks at this one in the wrong way. I was a virgin when i was raped. There was no sexual activity before the rape and certainly none after. The only person i have had sex with is my husband. Trying to mentally and physically make that a possibility has been SO tough. It’s either feeling like i'm only good for sex, or feeling stupid during, or feeling like i'm not doing my part to make our intimacy good for him, and unfortunately always getting triggers and flashbacks. This messes with my head more than any other insecurity i have. But I am SO INCREDIBLY blessed to have a husband who is so patient and so kind and constantly tries and makes sure I am okay and for a Heavenly Father who through the atonement can help me overcome even this insecurity. It’s one I think i will always have to fight.

Saying the wrong thing

This has gotten so much better the past year. I attribute a lot of that to the place i work and to my marriage where what i say is respected and where my voice matters. But from being raped i learned in a matter of an hour (i think i couldn’t tell you the time frame even if i tried) that when you speak and it’s not what your audience wants to hear you're punished for it in some way. When I didn’t say what he wanted i got hit or the abuse went further or longer. That quickly conditioned me to not speak what was okay and not okay to me and to have that fear of saying the wrong things.

These are just a FEW of what i struggle with (and i know i am not alone in these) on a daily basis. They are not all but these are the ones that affect me and my life choices most. Words cannot express well enough how difficult it is for me to put this out there point blank, no questions asked. But it’s true. What i have learned is THESE ARE NOT THINGS TO BE ASHAMED OF! If anyone should feel ashamed it’s the person who caused all of this because I didn’t ask for it. I said not and he should be ashamed of being a terrible human being. Thankfully, I have 3 things (well i have so many more like my family who is the most INCREDIBLE support system) that will always help me overcome my insecurities and will always help me see that light at the end of the tunnel.

1) The love of my life who always lets me know my beauty and worth is infinite

2) The temple-where you can feel the most peace and comfort and direction that you cannot find or duplicate anywhere else

3) My loving Heavenly Father-who unfailingly wraps his arms around me daily in love and comfort and hope and peace and joy and optimism. I know that through him and by him I can overcome any obstacle that comes into my path. How blessed I am for his love and his mercy.

My hope is that one day, rape and sexual assault will not be a quiet fight. The world needs to see and hear from these people who become so strong and so courageous and who have so much to teach and show the people around them.

Again, you are a beautiful person. You always have been and that light and that warmth and originality cannot be taken from you! Continue to fight and prove everyday that you are better than the person who thought they could make you less than whale poop. :)

Keep fighting for your slice of pie!

Insecurity

Sorry it has been a while since my last post. It has been a couple of crazy weeks! This post is going to be pretty short because I have a really good post coming up in the next week by none other than my wonderful HUSBAND! I am really really excited about his post so stay tuned!

This past week someone had said something to me (in no harm) that I have been thinking so much about. They said:

 "How come people who are raped have so many insecurities? If it is't your fault like you claim then you have nothing to be insecure about and it's silly to be so insecure about so many different things". 

At first I was really confused because I thought it was true and my whole healing process had been done wrong even though I KNOW there isn't a right or wrong way to do it. Then I realized no, that statement is so wrong!

Rape is not just something that happens to you and then it's all done and over with. Rape takes your power...power to say no, power to have control over your mind and your body, power to trust, power to love. It takes your confidence in yourself and in life. It takes away your hope and it TAKES AWAY YOUR SECURITY! 

So I asked myself, if it takes all of that what does that leave you with initially? Pain, and insecurity. The definition of insecurity is "1) uncertainty or anxiety about oneself or a lack of confidence and 2) The state of being open to danger or threat or the lack of protection." Any survivor of rape or a sexual assault knows that is exactly how you leave your attacker feeling. Feeling that way sucks, and there are so many other emotions we would rather have and feel, but, feeling that way is okay! You went through something horrible and tremendously life altering (no matter how long ago or how recent) and it shocks your entire way of life. It sets everything back a step. You are allowed to feel insecure and vulnerable and you are allowed to feel unprotected and not confident. Your voice and your sense of security was taken from you, and it is so hard to get back. I don't think there is anything wrong with accepting that. So to the person I had that conversation with, my response to you is, yes, being a rape survivor does come with insecurities and yes I am allowed to be insecure. It's not silly to be insecure over something that rocked my life and made me question my existence as a human being. 

What isn't allowed is to stay insecure! 

I absolutely LOVE this! Before you were taken advantage of you had a beauty that you were born with and a beauty that no one else was born with. Your individuality and your beauty is something that only you have and when that diminishes no one else can replace it. Its a long road and the road is paved with so many hurdles and struggles and a really tough fight. But this is just one piece of the pie that one day you WILL get back. Its a daily effort but don't let people ever make you think that you are not still a beautiful person inside and out!!

Triggers and Flashbacks

I've been thinking a lot the past couple weeks. I have had a bit more down time then normal, and I have faced some things that I haven't had to face in quite some time. I feel like I have big decisions to make, and some decisions I've already made are becoming very relevant in my life at this moment. Along with that I have had some triggers that have resurfaced and some that have sprung new, out of some deep cracks. Turns out being raped really is something I will always have to fight. I have found that I am very grateful for that. I am grateful that I will always have something to keep me fighting and have something to keep me working and something that will always make me a better person. But because I have to work so hard, I thought that is what I would write about this time around. Triggers. I like to think of them as these small creatures lurking in the shadows. You can see them, you always know they are there. You know what will make them come out and taunt you. You know what will make them hiss and curse your name. But there is one thing I tend to fail to realize about them. They wear masks. And you believe the triggers only surface during expected moments...and they do. But when they take off their masks, they become a whole new type of creature with a whole new agenda and a whole new level of terror. They are two faced and maniacal and more times than not, plain out scary. They are also relentless. Just when I think I have worked hard enough to get them to crawl back into the hole where they came from...just when I think I have figured out what they look like with and without their masks...they change them. 

Right after I was raped, they were the normal triggers. Every time I saw one of the cars he drove-panic attack. Whenever someone would say something he used to say- panic attack. If someone quoted a movie he liked- panic attack. Oh we want to eat my favorite food, lasagna, that I have had more times than I am alive for dinner? Well he and I made that once so-panic attack. Within a realm of understanding those things seemed to make sense. Those things I could plan for. I could come up with coping mechanisms for the times I was driving and saw a car like his. I could plan ahead on how to distract myself when people would say things what would spark a painful memory. I learned how to become okay with any type of male touching me again. Those things were expected. Those thing were 'normal'. So what did I not expect? Shortly after everything happened, my mom bought me these cute, soft, fuzzy pajama pants... but because the material felt like the blanket that I was forced onto on top of his bed, I couldn't wear them. I instantly wasn't just triggered but had full fledged mental flashback that were completely paralyzing. I hadn't even recalled that there was a blanket before this! Why on earth would it all flood back in now when I just wanted to lounge around in a simple pair of pants?!

Another time was when I first started seriously dating the man who is now my wonderful husband. We would be fine...watching a movie, or sitting there talking, holding hands. He would move his hand (probably without even realizing it, or just to become more comfortable) and instantly I could feel and see my attackers hands on mine pinning me down. How does this trigger that reaction? It's not the same person or location or situation and I knew that. But something in the way his hand move shut me down. It was a trigger far worse than I could have prepared myself for. And those were only the beginning of them.

I still have to deal with them. And I hate it. There will be points (no matter how understanding he is) that Corey can't touch me..or when he has to wake me up because I am thrashing or crying in my sleep and then can never go back to sleep. I'll see someone with the same name as him on a reservation at the hotel and for a moment my heart will plunge into my stomach and cause my core temperature to rise. And I still can't watch one of my favorite animated movies because we used to laugh and quote one particular part together. It seems amazing to me that the mind and the body can hold on to even the smallest of things and that from there it can completely effect the way we live or go about our normal day to day activities. 

                                        So what exactly is a trigger? 

A trigger can also set off a memory tape or a flashback transporting the person back to the event of their original trauma. Triggers come differently for different people. Triggers are very personal. Different circumstances trigger different people. The survivor can start to avoid situations or avoid a stimuli that they think set off the flashback. They can react to the flashback trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A persons triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses. (sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste). I found that when I could easier recognize how I was triggered the easier of a time I could process and handle these triggers. These are how some of them surface.

Sight

• Often someone who resembles the abuser or who has similar traits or objects. For me this could even have been or was something as simple as their clothing, hair color, or the way they walked
• Any situation where some else is being abused. This could be ANY type of abuse including just a side verbal comment. I experienced this when I started a new job. I was starting as an activities aide for a nursing home. In our orientation there were videos exploiting scenarios where your actions were abuse to one of the residents. They varied from mild (no there is no lesser evil of abuse, all is bad, I just mean mild to my triggers) to severe where a scene was depicting rape. I no long could focus in class and I had to excuse myself for the day and pray that they would understand and I could resume the course the next day. 
• The object that was used to abuse
• The objects that are associated with or were in common in the location where the abuse took place. These are things like alcohol, furniture, time of year. This fits my trigger with my pajama pants. 
• Any place or situation where the abuse took place. For me this was specific locations in a home, or holidays, family events and social settings.

Sound

• Anything that sounds like anger. Abuse regardless of how it happened is an angry act. There will be a set trigger when any form of anger is exposed. Sometimes this brought me to anger as well. 
• Anything that sounds like pain or fear. (like crying, whispering or screaming). This is not one that really triggered me first hand, but I met some wonderful women who struggled with this. 
• Anything that might have been in the place or situation prior to, during or after the abuse. This could be anything from sirens and foghorns to music, crickets chirping, or a car door closing. 
• Anything that resembles sounds that the abuser made. In my circumstance these were things like whistling, a door locking, and a specific tone of voice. 
• Words of abuse. These are things like cursing, labels, put-downs, and specific words or phrases used in the attack.

Smell

• Anything that resembles the smell of the abuser, like tobacco, alcohol, drugs, after-shave, perfume... For me it is more nit picky things like the smell of car grease. He was a mechanic so that was always a smell associated with him along with the cologne he used.
• Any smells that resemble the place or the situation where the abuse occurred. This could be food cooking, wood, any odors or alcohol

Touch

• Anything that resembles the abuse or things that occurred prior to or after the abuse. This is like a certain physical tough, someone standing too close, petting an animal, or the way someone approaches you.

Taste

• Anything that is related to the abuse or abuser prior to or after the abuse. The spectrum of this is huge. It can be so specific. Something that I don't mention a lot (because to people who don't get it, it's weird) is my distaste for Dasani water. I hate water all together but I will not drink a Dasani. The day I was raped and my friend took me to get a bottle of water and talk...it was Dasani brand. I can remember how it felt, what it tasted like and how it ran down my throat. It's not that I won't drink it, it's that I can't. My brain and my body was on overdrive and it remembered so many things and associated so many things with my abuse that if i drink a Dasani water it literally tastes bad. 

Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, bodily sensations, feelings, or a lack of them, like numbness. A flashback will almost always follow a trigger. During the initial crisis, a survivor has to insulate themself from the emotional and physical horror of the trauma. In order to survive, that insulated part of the self remained isolated, completely unable to express the feelings and thoughts of that time. It is as though the survivor put that part of themself into a time capsule, which later surfaces and comes our as a flashback, feeling just as intense in the present as it did during the crisis. When that part comes out, the survivor is experiencing the past as if it were happening today. The intense feelings and bodily sensations happening are scary because they are not related to the reality of the present time and many times they seem to come from no where. The survivor can sometimes think they are crazy. I myself was afraid to tell people when this was happening. You feel out of control and at the mercy of only your experiences. Flashbacks are so unsettling and feel really overwhelmed because you become so caught up in the trauma that you forget about the safety and security of the present moment. 

I have learned some ways to help me come down from a trigger or a flashback. 

1) I tell myself I was triggered and now I am having a flashback. This alone helps me become more grounded and realize what is going on around me. 

2)I remind myself that the worst is over...that the feelings I am experiencing are of those in the past. The actual event has already occurred and I am a survivor. 

3)I ground myself. No this does not mean I ban myself from leaving my bedroom :). This means I literally ground myself. I stomp my foot on the ground, reminding myself of where I am and that I have feet to move and get away if that is what I desire. 

4)Breathe. This one is so helpful for me. I learned some really helpful ways to breathe that connect my mind to my body and help me focus in on where I am and what I want to be thinking about. Breathing soothes my panic attacks and gets my heart rate down. 

5)Reorient myself to the present. This is where I bring in my 5 senses. What am I touching?Where am I...am I in my room, am I at work? What do I smell? What is around me...is the sky blue today or a dull overcast? What do I hear...is it my music in the car or traffic or my family downstairs? This can fully bring me back into a reality where I am safe.

6)I get support. This one was always hard for me to do. I have found how much it helps though. It is easier to do with Corey. He has made it so I am always okay to tell him what is going on and he has educated himself enough to help me. More times than not it is just him sitting next to me breathing in and out with me to calm me down. The support is so helpful. It helps me get through the process even if I want to be alone. 

7)Take time to recover. For me, the flashbacks don't always happen in the comfort of my own home where I can drop everything and go lay on my bed. Sometimes they happen at work and I can't just leave. I find simple things around it. If there is someone working with me, I will let them know I am going to use the restroom and I will just sit in there for 2 minutes. Sometimes I will offer to do the walk around just to make sure the hotel is clean. These help me focus on something else and give me just a moment to recoup. 

8)I honor my experience. I take just a second to remind myself that I survived this experience and that I am doing a good job. 

9)Be Patient. This is my hardest one. I am not patient or kind to myself. But I just remind myself that this is normal, that it takes time to heal and it takes time to be okay. 

10) AFTER I do all of that I change my thought process. I will pull out my phone and go through pictures to create happiness or restore some good memories or I will pull out my reading material or strike a conversation with a co-worker. I have to do this at the end though to be sure I confront what is happening in my mind and body first. 

Ultimately these things take time. Unfortunately, when you are raped not only do you lose a piece of yourself, but that hole is unwillingly filled with these triggers that will never go away. I still experience the same triggers today as I did the day after the rape in the police station. The only difference is the severity changed. Now it seems more of just a thought than a trigger. But it is a trigger. Something always sparks it. It just is a lot of work to get them to a point where they are manageable. And some aren't still. My nightmares will still keep me from going back to bed. Sometimes Corey knows he can't touch me and he can only just sit by me and wait. This is just part of the process of healing.
This is one of those times where I wish I could say (even for myself) that they will go away entirely one day. But to be honest I don't think they do. I think we just become more familiar with the masks these creatures wear and we understand when the mask is off that it will be harder to deal with. ..that when the mask comes off we have to work a little harder and fight a little faster to be okay.  There is this quote I have really liked lately...

When my triggers are flooding in more than normal and I feel like they are drowning me I tend to feel like I will never defeat this. This will always be a part of me and it will always define a piece of me. But that will NEVER be the case. It was something that happened TO me not something it made me. I choose to rise above this and I chose to be something great. I choose to become that person that if my rapist ever sees again he will know you can not defeat me. He will know I am a better person than when he raped me and he will know that I choose to rise above, be great, and have hope the quiet fight :) 

Do’s and Dont’s of a survivor’s support circle

What is a support circle? It is a group of people who gather and/or speak with an individual regularly to help meet their needs that they cannot accomplish or ask for help to accomplish themselves.

After someone has been raped or sexually assaulted they need a support system around them. This, to me, is the most crucial part of healing. I am not saying that people cannot cope without one. I am fully aware that having a great circle of support filled with people is a massive blessing, one that not all people can have the luxury of having. I am saying that can change. I think it is so important to rally around the people who are hurting from this life shattering and all too common trial.

I was so grateful and so incredibly blessed to have the support I had in my life. There are things they did that got me where I am at today. But they didn’t know what they are doing. There isn’t a “how to be a support for survivors for dummies” book published to go and purchase at your local bookstore.

That’s why I want to put this piece out there. I want everyone and anyone to read this. Why? Because sadly, and truthfully enough, whether you know it or not, EVERY person has someone in their life that has become subject to the effects of this type of abuse. There is no perfect outline for how to help. There is not a way to take away their hurt, pain or suffering. But there is a way to take on a very small part of the burden so that for a brief moment in time they can breathe in a full breath of fresh air. These are not scientific. They are not proven to work 100% of the time. This is just what I have seen works and doesn’t work in my own life and in the lives of the beautiful people i have met who were going through the same thing.  

DONT’S

1. Don’t ever say you shouldn’t have put yourself in said situation to have been raped. Your loved one who has gone through this excruciating experience is already replaying that thought, and that scenario in their head over and over again. They will pick apart every single detail saying to themselves “if I wouldn’t have done” or “if I didn’t say this” or “if I didn’t act or dress this way”...they are already proving to themselves every single thing they “did wrong” and they are finding every excuse they can to take the blame. Don’t tell them that they put themselves in the situation that got them raped. I know most of time it is a way for your to cope and for you to understand and process what happened, but saying those things out loud will hurt more than hinder.

2. Don’t expect them to or tell them they should be healing quicker or be over it by now. Trust me, they want to be done. They want it to be over. They don’t want to hurt anymore. They don’t want to have nightmares. They want to forget it and they want to heal. They want to be able to sleep at night. They want to move on with their life and not be triggered by the smallest things. But it is not that easy. There is not a syllabus for how these things work. There isn’t a timeline to how the recovery works. Some survivors will be quicker to heal and continue with their life. Some will need years. That doesn’t make one stronger than the other. It’s just how you cope and how you make do with the small amount of strength that you possibly have left.   

3. Don’t be afraid to show that this is hard for you too. At times it is hard to see as a survivor but ultimately seeing your support system hurt with you helps because of these reasons:

A) They don’t feel alone in their pain. They are still human and humans don’t want to go through things alone.

B) It gives them a bit of comfort knowing they don’t need to heal as fast as they feel. They don’t need to be at a certain point of recovery. It is so easy for people who have been raped or abused to think they have to have a timeline and if they don’t they are not doing it right or not working hard enough. Seeing you go through this with them shows they are okay to be in the place they are at.

C) It makes things less confusing. It validates what they think and feel. After you’ve been through such a violent crime you are beyond confused. Things don’t make any sense. Stuff that you loved or laughed at don’t mean the same thing. You don’t think the same, you don’t feel the same, you don’t even laugh the same.

I am not saying force your emotions out and don’t put out what you don’t feel, but if you feel sad, feel sad that day. If they see you cry, that’s okay to cry. It does help.

4. Don’t let them sit in the dark places for too long and don’t allow them to never go get help, see a therapist, or join a support group. It is all too easy for a survivor to get comfortable in their dark place and never leave. That’s all most survivors want to do. I will be 100% honest...when my mother or my siblings or my aunts or grandmother made me come out of my room, made me go out with them, or made me talk to people other than the ones confined in the walls of my home, it made me angry. I hated it. I had no desire, the thought of it made me sick and I hated it. But it was the best thing for me. I needed that force. Some will just need a slight nudge or some will need a push. I needed pliers and a 2x4. And when it made me mad, they didn’t stop. I am now so unbelievably grateful for that! I know that because they helped get me out and helped me get help, I was able to jump on my road to recovery sooner. The support I had from me going to my therapy sessions and my group sessions was crazy. As I had stated my sister drove with me for the first while and attended with me every week. When it needed to be just me people would wait the 1-2 hours for me in the car or in the lobby. Don’t let your loved one sit for too long. They may not get it, heck, you may not get it, but pushing them a little is a good thing!

5. **Disclaimer: To each their own. This is just what I have seen as a common pattern in my involvements in other survivors’ lives.**

Don’t say to your survivor “It’s time to forgive the person that did this to you.” Trust me that is literally the last thing they want to hear. I promise you when they want to start thinking about that they will. If anything help them understand (especially if they come from an LDS background because forgiveness is so commonly talked about-and no that is not a bad thing) that they don’t need to forgive right away. Also help them understand what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is NEVER saying what they did is okay. It isn’t okay and will never be okay. That was the one thing that was told to me by several people in and out of the church. And although it was a wrong decision to the words, it was a small piece as to why I stopped going to church for a time. In my head the concept of forgiveness was not even a comprehensible one. Not to mention I didn’t see why they could tell me that when they had no idea what I was going through mentally, physically, or emotionally. This is just one of those things that because rape can be so damaging it could push a fine line that most people just don’t need pushed right now. They are too fragile and too confused and too angry. And forgiveness, if it comes, will take time. AND THAT IS OKAY. This is one of those things that comes so much further down the road and you have healed and taken care of you and learned how to trust and love again.

DO’S

1. Let them hurt. Let them cry. Let them feel the pain. Let them sit in a dark corner for a while. Let them be completely miserable. I know it is probably so hard to watch. I know it is painful to see and you just want them to be happy and love life and be okay again but I can assure you, it’s part of the process needed for healing. From a survivor's standpoint, I think it helps us process things better. I think it helps us be able to stay in our world and not venture off to a place where we just check out and brush off things we have to deal with. I think it helps us feel more real and more human and more like everyone else. We need to ‘lay there and bleed for a while before we get back up and fight’. (Taken from a great poem titled ‘Sir Andrew Barton’ that my mother has quoted numerous times..."I am hurt, but I am not slain; I'll lay me down and bleed a while, And then I'll rise and fight again.”). Everything has to run it’s course and all walks of this process need to be felt and dealt with in full.

2. Sit with them in the dark places. Even if they act or show like they don’t want the support they do and later down the road they will be so grateful they had people just to sit with them. I have already stated before how some of my favorite help was from the people who would just join me in my dark place. I remember one day was particularly rough and i sat in my closet for hours. My friend came over and didn’t talk me out or tell me to be happier and open up all my curtains (although that is a great thing to break up a constant stream of mental or physical dark) they just came in the closet, with blankets and just sat next to me. I will never forget that because I just felt so loved and so cared about. To be in such an awful place and still feel like you are worth something makes all the difference

3. Talk (when appropriate) to them about how they are feeling, how you are feeling and about the situation in general. It’s good for them to see that their feelings of fear and anger and hurt are normal because others feel them too. Sometimes it was hard for me to look around me and see my family smiling or hear them downstairs laughing while I am up in my bed crying. Yes, they were allowed to be happy but it was so good for me to see those moments when they were feeling the effects of what was going on. It helped me know I am on an okay pace of healing and that I don’t need to recover faster. At those times when I couldn’t tell this was hard for them I mentally beat myself up because i should be able to be happy and laugh like them. Seeing them happy was good, don’t get me wrong, but it just helped me feel more...normal. And normalcy was all I wanted in most of those moments. This isn’t something to stress and overthink. You don’t need to asses at night and think “oh gosh I wasn’t sad enough today” or “I didn’t tell them how ticked I was with the person that did this to them”. It’s just the simple fact of be okay to not be okay with them. No one is in charge of keeping anyone together :). Ask them how they are doing that day. Try to get more than a one word or small sentence answer. If you can try and get them to speak more you will understand what they need more. I know that can be hard to hear, especially if their healing takes them to a place of being able to discuss detail and things that hurt to hear, but trying a bit everyday to get them to speak what their head is spinning in circles thinking over and over is hugely beneficial.

 

4. Help them tell people around them. Obviously, make sure that this is okay with your loved one. That was the BEST thing for me. Telling loved ones...friends and family… was so hard but so good. Having them there when I need them and having them understand was crucial to my healing. I wouldn’t recommend telling dozens of people (unless you feel that is best for YOU) because that can seem way too much at times. Me just telling my family (age appropriate ones) and a few close friends was exactly what I needed. I already loved and trusted them and had already built up great connections and established a great relationship with them. When my mom and I told them I knew that wouldn’t see me as the girl who got raped. I would still be seen as their niece, granddaughter, sister, cousin etc. Then if I was having a rough day I wouldn’t have to explain anything to them. they would know exactly why and could still just continue to love me through it. Telling these people gave me the most wonderful support system I could ask for and I am so eternally grateful for that. I would receive cards or flowers or notes of love and encouragement. I would get calls and texts reminding me that I was loved and worth so much more than what I was shown when I was raped. These small and simple things are what kept me going. These small acts of love is what ultimately kept me from taking my own life or running away from everything I had loved or hoped for. Without these people, it’s simple...I would not have made it!

 

5. Lastly, remember that there is no timeline for this. There is not a point set for when they should be feeling better, no point set for when they should have “been over that by now”, and no point set where their anger should dissipate. No abuse case is the same. No two survivors are the same. No two families are the same. As much as we would like there to be, there is no exact remedy to help this. So, there will be no exact time frame for this either. I met wonderful women who were dealing with their abuse from 30+ years ago. No amount of time spent on healing is a right or wrong amount. We just have to remember to keep them uplifted and keep them feeling loved. If we can do that then we can hope that will help them heal quicker and safer.

Once again this is not cookie cutter, this is what works, this is what doesn’t work, there is only black and white information. This is only what I have found helped me and what has helped some of the brave people around me. My heart, and deepest sincere prayers go out to those who have had loved ones pass from this horrible abuse or take their own life from the effects. I know that you have ran through your head a million times what you think you could have done differently. But please know that ultimately the fight is within the person. Not any suggestion of do’s or don’t’s can help make them overcome this. It is what they are capable of and what they choose to do. Whether someone lives or passes is not 100% based on these suggestions. Please if you are in this case, do not let yourself say the words “if I only did…”. Chances are you did so much and you just don’t see it.

I really hope this helps, even in the slightest. I got this idea from my mother. She was telling me that when this all happened with me they were completely clueless. They had no idea how to even come close to treading these waters. I am not a expert, but PLEASE if anyone has questions, you can email me or message me. I will love to help answer any that I can. People that have been messaging me already and that will continue to message me with never be talked about. It is always personal and confidential. I just want to be there to help if anyone needs it.

The more people that rally together against this, the better. The more awareness we can bring, the better. Even if you don’t think you know someone who has been raped or sexually abused, bring awareness to it because sadly i guarantee you, someone in your life is a survivor of this.

It may sound silly but how neat would it be to create this massive support circle where everyone has everyone else to lean on with this...where this doesn’t have to be a taboo because it is all too real and it happens every day.

I hope this helped someone. People who deal with this trial are in my hopes and prayers and, especially with my blog, in my thoughts all throughout every day.

Thank you for all the love and support. Keep up the fight!

You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery.

I am so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for everyone! The responses I have gotten from the people who have read my first post are so kind and so inspiring and so supportive! I am very touched to see people contacting me with pieces of their own story and encouragement and thoughts and ideas. It is so amazing to feel prompted to do something and see such a reward from acting on it. Not a reward necessarily for me but to see people gain something positive from what I had to say.
The gap between now and my first post is a bit longer than I would like it to have been but I was really struggling to find a way to continue writing. Part of me didn't even know where to continue and part of me (admittedly yes) felt way too exposed and vulnerable and I didn't know if I could do more. I am not a person that loves attention. I don't even like things as my birthday being celebrated let alone my Facebook, google plus, and Instagram accounts exploding with tags of my name in every other post. That overwhelmed me a bit. But the part that I was expressing to my wonderful husband that freaked me out the most was alot of people know my story now. And I don't want people to be nice to me because they feel sorry. I don't want to be treated differently and more than anything I don't want people to look at me and the first thing they think of is 'that girl got raped'. I do not want that to be my identifier. But I have gathered through a lot of thought and a lot of spontaneous, and helpful talks with Corey (my hubby) that 1) those are things I do not have control over, and 2) everyone copes with things in a different way. And if someone needs to act a certain way or think a certain way because of something they read then that is okay.

I love that! I love that there is not a single cookie cutter way to cope. I love that we all get to learn love and live in different ways. I love that we get to heal in our own way.

And yet at the same time I kind of hate it.

Something that I think is really hard to grasp after a major thing has happened to a person such as a form a such a violent abuse, is understanding that you cope differently than other survivors AND you cope differently than your friends and loved ones around you who are your support and encouragement. That was so confusing to me. I would see my mom heal from this faster than me or see my friend be able to talk with me about it and not cry anymore. My dear, dear, hero's in my support groups could go on dates and hold a job and go out to parties and have late nights in big crowds. I thought that meant something was wrong with me. That I was not healing, or dealing with my process right. I was convinced that I was doing it the wrong way...and I wasn't going to make it out alive.
Let me tell you something.

THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO COPE!!!!

There are healthy and unhealthy ways but there is no such thing as right or wrong.

I promise that if you are coping in a healthy way, you are making progress even if it feels like you take one step forward and three steps back, you are moving forward. If you aren't coping in a healthy manner, it's okay. There are alternative methods to cope and you can change it. The amazing thing is, you feel remarkably better when your coping methods are healthy. I remember right after the rape happened my coping was laying in a dark room for hours on end thinking of ways to die. I wanted to more than I had wanted anything else in my life. I don't know what kept me from acting on it at times. But that was an unhealthy way of keeping my mind off of the fact that I was a pile of broken, damaged, and useless goods. The other main (unhealthy) ways I coped were: excessively hot showers (physical pain took the mental pain away), allowing myself to be stuck in a complete and immobilizing blind rage towards life, the world, people, and God (I thought it would make me feel better and not feel so miserable), and complete and utter dissociating/spacing out. I would allow myself to be there physically but would be a complete vegetable mentally. This got so bad I wasn't remembering (and still can't remember) chunks of time. It got to the point where I didn't even have to try. I would just check out.

Later down the road, in my days of groups and counseling I learned how damaging these coping mechanisms were and was able to discover new ones that worked for me. What worked for me will not work for everyone else. Some that I loved were
1) Breathing. I was amazed what breathing in, holding it and letting it out slowly, repetitively until my heart rate slowed did for me. I found that I could think clearer and paint a bigger picture in my head of how I wanted to handle my feelings or trigger.
2) Writing. I love to write. Anything and everything. I may not be supreme in my ability to convey words onto a paper (or computer screen) but the relief I felt from saying ANYTHING I wanted and not have the paper talk back was invigorating. It wasn't going to judge me for thinking what I was thinking or yell at me for being triggered over something so stupid, or tell me I should just kill myself for even entertaining the idea that I could come out and think someone would ever want me. Those were all things my head told me on minute to minute basis. But writing was a beautiful way to get it out. And the best part?? If I didn't ever want to read it again or if I changed my mind about how I felt I could get rid of it. My favorite part of doing this coping mechanism was the times were I would write to my attacker. I would unleash my rage and my hurt and my pure and complete distaste for him on a paper. Then I would light a match and watch the paper burn. Sometimes those were more healing for me and did more for me than anything else could that week.
3) The arts. My sweet, incredible therapist found that I speak best and understand my own thoughts best when I can find music that fits my logic or mood and that I could express what my hopes, desires, or dark places were by capturing them on camera. My 'homework' assignments from her weekly more times than not, involved those types of things.

Finding something that you already connected with before your abuse will help you reconnect with your "normal" life again and also help bring to light some of the things you are thinking and feeling. It will help you deal with each day until you don't have to try as hard.
Some other suggestions if those won't work for you are
1) Talking. This could be to a parent, a friend, or your stuffed animal or dog. (sometimes thats nice cause they are the best listeners)
2) Exercising. To quote one of my favorite movies... "exercising gives you endorphin's. Endorphin's make you happy. Happy don't shoot their husbands! They just don't." But really there is a release of negativity there and an intake of positive and happy energy :)
3) Safe place. Get into a comfortable place and picture a place where you feel completely safe. It can be real or imaginary. Picture every detail of the place. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? What do you smell? Are you alone? What are you doing? Spend a good amount of time imagining this place so that you become familiar with it. Its helpful to come up with a cue that will help you to "visit" your safe place wen you need to. The cue can be a word, tapping your hand, or anything that will help you avoid a panic attack.. When you feel a panic attack or a flashback starting use your cue to signal that it is time to picture your safe place . You can do this until the flashback or anxiety has passed.
4) Grounding. When you need to cope through a flashback or trigger or panic attack or you feel any of those coming or you begin to have unwanted or intrusive thoughts you think or say "stop". Then you grab onto something solid and notice how the object feels. Ask yourself where am i? What is  happening now? Repeat your answers at least twice. They might be answers like "I am in class. I am safe right now". At the end it is SO important to tell yourself that you handled that situation well!

I really hope that at least one of those can help. If not, that is okay, you are not a lost cause! Do some research! There are so many ideas out there!

Something that I had to learn and understand was triggers and panic attacks and nightmares are all part of something called PTSD.

"PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Most survivors of trauma return to normal given a little time. However, some people will have stress reactions that do not go away on their own, or may even get worse over time. These individuals may develop PTSD. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life." -Taken from PTSD.gov

Talking with my therapist and discovering this was something I suffered from was hard because it made me feel even more broken. Something I had to learn was PTSD isn't about what's wrong with you, it's about what happened to you.

In the midst of all of these reasons to cope something I had to tell myself over and over again is I survived the abuse, so I will survive the recovery. Yes, the recovery I think is harder. But you are already at the bottom of a pit. Where else do you have to go? I promise (again) you WILL make it, and it WILL get easier. I was given something by a wonderful friend and one of my heroes. It reads:
        "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion ,gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

I love this! More now than I did when it was given to me. I have found a new love and a new strength from it. Because you have to fight something so dark and so hard, you will become a beautiful person inside and out. There is something to be said about surviving an experience so intense. Some days all you can do is sit in silence, hold back the tears and pretend you are going to be alright even if you don't believe it. But this is what is important to remember.


And guess what? If you are a survivor, you are making it. If you are a survivor, you are taking steps forward. If you are a survivor, you are a force to be reckoned with. If you are a survivor YOU ARE A FIGHTER! What happened to you does not and never will define you as who you are and what you will forever become. You are strong and you are courageous.
You are wanted. You are loved. You are going to be okay!