Think Before You Speak!

WOW I can't believe it has been almost a year since my last entry! Life certainly tends to get you carried away quickly. 

I have been thinking alot about this blog today. I am more grateful for this platform than any other. 

Recently I have been making some waves on this topic in some other social media platforms. Doing this blog and posting it to facebook has always gone so well. I have had some negative comments but overall this has been a really healthy and positive outcome for me. I think it is safe to say I assumed (You know what they say about assuming right?) that I would get the same reactions on other platforms of social media as I have with this one....

HA!

Boy did I get let down quickly. 

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Guys people can be super awful! It got ugly enough for me to delete the post AND the media platform! Woah was I apparently not prepared for that. These comments PROVE that rape culture exists. I want to respond to those comments on here. I know those people will never see that, but if one person has those things to say, so does another...so maybe that will help. And I need this. So maybe this post is more for selfish reasons, but that is okay in my book. 

"Just give consent, then you will never get raped"

        You, sir, are so smart!! I had never thought of that! *In case you did not know that was sarcasm* Okay but in all reality that is a MUCH worse way to live! Saying the word 'yes' does not automatically make your brain change how you feel. That would be super cool if that was the case though! I would hate the whole situation I went through so much more if I didn't use my voice. Because I KNOW I did what I could in that moment. I KNOW that I don't have to carry the burden of that day becuase I had no say in it. Guess what? If I said yes, I still wouldn't have wanted it, and my attacker still would have done what he did...with me not it. Now this is on him. He will have to answer for what he has done because he chose not to be a decent human being and listen. Saying yes, sir, is the wrong answer. I should not have to say yes just because it is something ONE person wanted when there were two of us involved.

"Duh if you say no, then they don't have concent legally and can't rape you"

        This didn't make me angry it just made me dumbfounded. Idk if this person was trying to be funny or if this is what they genuinely believe. If you say no, correct, legally they don't have concent  BUT THEY STILL CAN CHOOSE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO YOU! I said no SO many times and what did it do? Nothing. I wish that people would take no for what it is and just stop in any situration. It is a very selfish thing to do something even though someone else has asked you not to.

"LMAO she was my victim" then someone responded to THAT comment "Thank you for your service" and another responded with praising hands and said "Get it however you can bro" (each of these comments had dozens of 'likes')

        LITERALLY the ONLY thing I can say to this is I HOPE and PRAY that this person does not have a sister or daughter that will be the ONE in SIX women who are raped at least once in their lifetime...

Other comments were:

"Just don't get raped" 

 "The dude would have been better to drink bleach rather than have sex with someone who looks like you"   

"LOL just get over it, you're fine"

"People like you who claim this happened to them should do the world a favor and kill themselves now"

If your reactions are the same is mine you have to close your jaw with your hand and smoke might be coming out of your ears. These all came in within 24 hours.

THANKFULLY I am far enough in my healing that this won't set me back...Yep tonight I feel pretty shitty. But I will wake up tomorrow and be okay becuase their lack of humanity and ignorance don't define me, my life, my experiences, or what I think about myself. I hope they learn about rape culture and can change their thinking. I hope they don't have friends who have been assaulted that read their snide comments. I hope that they are good people and doing these things to get a rise out of someone. They won't get it from me because I am above that. 

This is proof that we need to be talking. We need to be teaching and we need to be standing up against seaxual assault. 

I know this was a weird post, but believe it or not I REALLY needed to do this and I feel better than I did when I started writing. 

PLEASE think before you say things in situations like this. 

PLEASE think before you judge or make light of someones experiences. 

PLEASE think before you joke about abuse/assult/rape. 

PLEASE be kind to one another.

This world has enough contagious hate and anger. Choose to spread something better and leave a mark on the world worth remembering. 

My heart goes out to any survivors who have had these kinds of comments before. I know for me to just now see stuff like this, that I am super blessed becuase not everyone had it as good as me with the supports I did. 

Reach out to me if you need to talk. 

Remember you are strong,

You have worth. 

You can do this.

You are loved.

KEEP FIGHTING

JUST FORGIVE YOUR RAPIST AND MOVE ON

Wow. I have not done one of these in a really really long time!
I apologize if anyone actually looks forward to reading these, I have really had to take time for me and for me and my husband and spend a lot of time focusing on my mental health. When that is declining, doing my blog kind of escalates every emotion I have into a pattern of really destructive behavior. But, on a positive note I really feel like I am (again) on an up swing! I have learned a lot over the past few months and I am going into every day with a new mindset and an attitude of physical health!

SO doing this blog creates an environment for quite a few people to reach out to me in many ways. Most of them are positive. I used to really hate the negative comments and I would just delete them from my inbox/email/facebook and not think about them for fear of a rage that would burn everything I touched. However, lately I have actually ENJOYED them! They come few and far between, but, I realized that me getting those is eye-opening. Those are things people actually think, feel, and believe! Part of the reason I did this blog was to help and support other survivors. Another part was to inform the public...to be open and honest with topics based on assault that are hard and awkward to talk about.
 ANYWAYS, I received a comment a while back and it said:

"Why in the F*** are you still going on about this so many years later?! Can't you just forgive your rapist and move on? Why are you drawing this on?"

Uhhhhh WOW! Guys, at first I was pissed about this. I was just thinking 'Are you kidding me?! Lets see this happen to you and then you try and just get over it!...Ha! Nice try!'
Then I got to thinking, if this person has never had it effect them personally in their circle of friends/family, it would seem weird that I had not gotten over it yet. I mean, lets be honest, it has been a very long time. Why is it that 1 incident out of hundreds of thousands...that happened 1 day out of 9,490 days makes such a big impact on your life? I put it into perspective for this person, and never got an answer. Maybe because it made sense or maybe it made them mad, I am not going to try to find out. I asked what would happen if their brother/sister/spouse/significant other suddenly passed away. You have had so many good memories with them prior and they only died on one day out of the many days that make up your life. But every time you think about them you'll be sad/mad/cry. Every anniversary of their death will stir up more emotions. After they are gone you will think of all the should have's, could have's, and if's and even the slightest awareness of something they were fond of will instantly remind you of who they were. That death was a traumatic piece in your life. Rape was in mine. Just like when my birth dad left, or when one of my siblings was battling suicide and we were always scared what we would find when we walked in the door.

I thoroughly enjoy reading articles and publishing's on the brain and how certain life events effect it and how it responds to illnesses (mental and physical). This was something I had come across in my endeavors a few weeks back. If these things bore you to death, you certainly don't have to read it. I won't know :)

Scientists have discovered that the brain is made up of three parts: the reptilian, the mammalian, and the neomammalian. Each of these play a part in our response to trauma.

The reptilian (brain stem) part controls our survival instincts. During a traumatic experience, this part of the brain goes into reactive mode. All non-essential processes are turned off, and we go into survival mode.

The mammalian (midbrain, limbic) part of our brain processes emotions and learning, and is unique to mammals. It does not register concepts of time or logic and it evaluates everything as agreeable (pleasurable) or disagreeable (pain/distress). Survival is based on the avoidance of pain, and the repetition of pleasure.

The amygdala is located in the limbic part of our brain, and it plays a part in how we process trauma. The amygdala acts as a filter, it scans the threat our reptilian brain has reacted to and decides whether or not there is a real threat. If there is not, then it allows access to the neocortex. If it signals that there is danger, then the other parts of the brain become active (specifically the thalamus, which is also in the limbic brain), and it incites one of three alarm responses in the reptilian brain: fight, flight, or freeze (Using Mindfulness in PTSD Recovery) The body then responds to the instructions of the brain.

In normal situations, when the threat has passed, the nervous system shifts the body back into its regular status by reducing stress hormones and allowing the brain to return to its normal function. However, in trauma survivors who go on to develop PTSD, the shift from reactive back to responsive doesn’t happen. Instead, the reptilian brain keeps the survivor in a reactive state.

The traumatic event is never allowed access to the neomammalian  brain (neocortex), which is the part of the brain that controls cognitive processing, decision-making, memory, and self-awareness. It is the part of the brain that allows us to process traumatic situations and allows us to heal. Instead, the event is held in the limbic brain, the amygdala stays in an overstimulated state, and the trauma survivor remains in a loop of constant arousal, looking for and perceiving threats everywhere.

Because the memory of the event is held in the limbic brain, which doesn’t have a concept of time, events that happened 20 years ago can seem like they are happening in the present. That is why PTSD sufferers can seem like they are stuck in the past and they relive the trauma through flashbacks and nightmares

If you would like to see the full article click-------> Here

I may be totally weird but I think this is super cool. Basically I can't let it go 100% because my literal genetic makeup will not let me! That's all there is to it. If you are someone who cannot grasp that concept, that's okay with me. There are things in life I can't grasp either. But I ask that you avoid making comments like that to people who have been through things you can't/won't understand.

Now as for the forgiveness part...

I have probably mentioned it before but that is the HARDEST notion to even comprehend, let alone be able to fulfill. Really, all I have to say there, is it's not your job to tell me who to forgive, and when to do it. That is between me, myself, and my God. End of story.

I had a therapist once ask me what it meant to forgive...what It would mean I would say to my attacker. My response was clearly wrong because in the most stern voice I had ever heard him utter he said "Miquelle, not under any circumstance does the phrase "I forgive you" equal "What you did is okay"! I was so glad he told me that because I think subconsciously I had believed that. I had made my mind up that telling him "I forgive you" would mean its okay that you raped me.

The person that kick-started this blog post was not the first person to tell me to forgive my rapist, and probably won't be the last. I have had my fair share of time to ask myself how I can progress and how I can be at peace with myself for myself, not for him.

I think there are different levels of forgiveness. Letting go of my anger, for me, was a level in forgiveness. Being able to be vulnerable and love and be loved, was another level. Everyone is different and everyone's journey of 'forgiveness' will look different. I truly believe that I will not be able to 100% forgive him until I die, and have an eternal mind vs a carnal one. I also believe that as long as I am genuinely working towards healing and being healthy, that is enough.

If people say these kinds of things to you, try to educate them on it. Yes, some people choose to be narrow minded and ignorant, but I truly believe that education on the subject is a majority of the problem. There are a lot of little in's and out's to these things and it can't be learned in a day. Be patient with these people but continue to be firm in standing for yourself and your situation.

As always, keep fighting this fight...that thankfully, is getting louder!

Much love!

Do you Taboo?

Rape

Sex

Abuse

Menstruation 

Abortion

 Lactate

Pregnant Bride

Gay

Circumcision

Breast Feeding

Suicide

 

**Trigger Warning** 

 Did any of those words make you uncomfortable? Yes? That's okay, you are just one of the 70%-90% (based on specific topic) who are bothered by even the mention of one of these taboos.  If none of these bothered you, then great! To me you are one step ahead.

Why do we allow these words to bother us as a society to a point where they become a taboo? Most of these we can't even talk about in public without hearing "Shh! Don't say that so loud" or "Wow, they are doing that HERE of all places?!". And that's excluding all of the countless thoughts and judgements we place in our own minds at one point or another ( no one is exempt from that one ). 

Here is my standpoint on Taboos as a generalization. You do not have to agree or believe said taboo is acceptable. In fact you could loathe the idea of it all together. BUT it becomes unacceptable, when talking about it forefronts as an issue. We should never be  or feel voided to talk about serious cultural issues because we do not condone them. For example: I am against abortion. I believe a baby should be carried and delivered to full term (unless it is from rape or the mother is at high risk-but that is another rant). Whenever a topic like abortion comes to light, so do the arguments and controversies. That will not stop me from talking about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable or I am afraid of what my friends will think of me. In my public speaking class in college we had to speak on a controversial topic in front of the class to become comfortable with taboos and to hear feedback from others who may not agree with our point of view. I chose abortion. I chose this fully knowing my good friend, who was also in the class with me did not agree with my side of things and believes a woman has a right to do what she wants. This did not stop me from giving my speech. This did not stop me from making it raw and factual and emotional. Expressing what I felt did not step aside when I got the response sheets from the class, and in my hand were sheets front and back of reasons why I was wrong. AND it did not stop me from being friends with that person.

I believe, like I have stated before, that discussing the issue is positive and necessary to bring awareness if we want it to stop/change. I also believe (or am learning to believe) there is no shame in talking about these cultural taboos. 

Let's touch on one of those taboos, shall we? Lets pick...suicide. There are so many opinions of what suicide looks like, what it stems from, and why people do it. Most of those stipulations are incorrect. There is a show that Netflix put out ( I am sure many of you have heard of it) called "13 Reasons Why". Now, for obvious reasons I will not watch it. I have done a lot of reading about details of the show and can honestly say no matter what place I am at in life, I will probably never watch it. That is a personal preference. I also am not going to go into reasons why I disagree with it or think that it is ill fitting for an accurate description on what mental illness is. Long story short, this girl was bullied, assaulted and mocked to the point where she thought she had no other option, and sending message to the people who were to blame for her death. That certainly can be one of the many reasons that a person, sadly enough, contemplates or succeeds with taking their own life.

I want to break down another side though....one that hits a little closer to home...one that shows 1 way of how suicide becomes what it is... a last option.

This girl has a good life. She has had some hard things happen to her but nothing she has not been able to bounce back from. She has a loving family, supportive parents and in-laws, a wonderful spouse, a full time job she loves and thrives in, a working car, a beautiful home in a safe neighborhood, a faith she is devoted to, lives in a state she loves, and has a best friend always a phone call away. 

Despite all of those things this girl really struggles with her self worth. But who doesn't, right? Every woman does. Some days for her are better than others. But, she learns, lives, goes to therapy, and copes....Or seems like she is coping.

She is battling something in her head that she doesn't talk about. She wants people to think she is okay and she doesn't want people to stop relying on her for even one minute. She doesn't want to seem weak or cause problems and worry for others. So she battles in silence. 

Its not a very big battle. It can't be seen by any mind other than her own and its easily brushed under a cute little rug she designed in her own subconscious. She struggles with Major Depression and severe Anxiety. She doesn't let it stop her from being an employee, a spouse, a sibling, a daughter, or a friend. But every morning her alarm goes off and the very first thing that comes to the forefront of her mind is "I just want to die". She spends the next 15+ minutes telling her body to get out of bed in every way she knows how, using all kinds of consequences as examples for not doing so. Most mornings it works and she is able to get up and throw herself into a morbidly hot shower through a stream of tears from a mental discomfort she cant put her finger on. As she gets ready with her upbeat music she is able to shove that feeling just a bit deeper to where it wont effect her work day. As she walks outside to her car she hopes someone will mug her at gunpoint, just so she can refuse only to have the maniac pull the trigger. 

No maniac awaits.

 So, she gets into her car and turns on her favorite song (for the time being) and sings along while driving to work. She smiles at other drivers and waves at people walking down the street. But, behind that smile is the wish someone will crash their car into hers, sending her through the windshield. That's why she doesn't buckle.

 No car crashes into hers.

So, she keeps driving. This time she is resisting the temptation to put the gas petal to the floor and drive her car off the road, aiming for the sturdiest object that she knows will get the job done. 

She is able to resist that urge.

So, she arrives at work and does her job above and beyond. She laughs with her co-workers and talks with her boss. She is loved there and she knows it. When she goes home she goes through the same process in reverse as she did when driving to work. 

Somehow she makes it home. She knows she is struggling, and the thought of it sends her into a huge panic attack. She collapses on her kitchen floor sobbing, and feeling like the room doesn't have enough air to fill her lungs. Her spouse tries to comfort her but every time she is touched it becomes worse. In the midst of a panic attack she feels 100% hopeless. Her panic violently shoves all ration and logic out the window. She is left to wait until her immensely racing mind can coast to a stop. Once it does she is left feeling bland and exhausted. She sleeps the rest of the day. She wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. When she crawls back into bed she can't sleep. 30 minutes...1 hour....2 hours pass by and she lays there restless with a racing mind. It's too late to take anything to make her sleep, she wakes up for work in 3 hours. Finally she falls asleep and 20 minutes later her alarm goes off to start a new day. It's a new day outside but it's not new to her. She wakes up with the same thought she had when she woke the morning before. By the time she gets herself up she's late and has to skip a shower. But that doesn't stop her from falling into the lull that her mind creates. 

No Maniac.

No car crash.

Resist urge.

All again. 

This time, when she gets home she doesn't have any energy or motivation. Its not just a 'lazy day' feel. Its complete and utter exhaustion. Except she hasn't done anything to give her body a reason to be exhausted....oh, other than her mind literally running rapid in its pathetic self paved bumpy streets all day long. She stays up so she can sleep this time. 9pm hits, and she crawls into bed. She is so ready to close her eyes and fall asleep. 2am comes and goes and she is wide awake. She is beyond tired and wants with every fiber of her being to sleep. Her mind doesn't let her. 

Her alarm goes off.

 

Notice a pattern?

Now, she is tired on top of her struggle, so everything feels worse than it is. She knows how to start feeling better. She does what people tell her to do. She tries to serve people. She does her best with her church callings, she thinks of how loved she is by her Heavenly Father and her family. She can feel it. She knows she is. 

It doesn't work. 

She is at the end of her rope. She finally has a plan. She knows how to feel better. She knows how to make it stop; and that is by forcing her existence to stop. She knows it will hurt people. But she won't hurt anymore. And that is worth it. You see, its not just a week that this self degenerating cycle went on. We are talking months and months. Then there would be a small break and then months and months of dealing again. She was done. She was not going through this cycle again. It's too much. People would heal from her dying. She wouldn't until she died.

Once people find out she is as bad as she is, they admit her. Soon she is in a hospital full of people she doesn't know with only one thing in common. They tried to die too. She will stay for a week before she is released. Her spouse will call family and her boss at work to tell them what is going on. Some could understand how it got to this point. Others, like her boss, will be totally mind blown on how she would do something like that when she was just at work 5 hours earlier smiling and doing her job wonderfully. Some people will never know and just assume she was MIA for a couple days. Some won't even notice she was away for a small time.

  What if I told you that no matter what you said, did, or tried, there was nothing you could do? 

     Would that make you think differently about suicide being a taboo? Probably not. 

          What if I told you that wasn't just a story?

             What if I told you that on March 1st 2017 I was the one admitted?

Maybe now that changes things a bit. 

Suicide shouldn't be a taboo. Just like rape shouldn't.These are REAL things that happen to REAL people. 

The other side of this is, you don't know what kind of shoes people are having to walk in. It goes to show there is always room for improvement and no one is perfect or perfectly healed. Most of this dark stuff doesn't stem from my rape. Yes, it definitely and obviously contributes to it but rape is not the reason I was suicidal. This is another issue on top of what I already face. Thankfully I am in a good place now. I am on medications that are improving my mood, my sleep, AND my dreams. I am not having reoccurring nightmares of rape nightly! I am going to weekly therapy and monthly psychiatrist appointments. I am once again improving. 

I wonder however, if I wasn't so fearful to talk about where I was at, how that would have changed things. I wonder if I would have allowed myself (because no one else can change that or do it for me) to open up more to my mom or my husband or my best friend how that would have effected my decisions. Maybe talking about these serious topics would change that for someone else. 

The wonderful thing about it is, it will never hurt. It will never be a bad thing to discuss these types of issues openly, calmly, and with an open heart. Putting this out there is scary as hell for me. It's like I started my blog all over again, and my story is just getting out for the first time. I still worry about what people will think or say or do. I worry about who will trust me or believe in me or keep asking me to help them. I worry about the normal things coming to a halt because I am all the sudden fragile or too weak to handle it. I also worry that people will assume now that I am home from the hospital I am 100% okay and will freak if I have a bad day. I'm a mess :)  WORRYING IS NORMAL! Worrying is okay! At this point I am just choosing to not let it control who I open up to because when I let worry control that, I also let it control my will to live. And when worry is in the drivers seat. She's a bitch :)

I am so grateful for the people around me who love me enough to help me through this new learning experience. I am grateful that we have people who study the mind, and medicine and are able to help people like me get my footing so I can progress on my own. I continue on not knowing why I go through all of these hard things and I'm only 25. I would be lying to you if I didn't say I'd give them back in a heartbeat. BUT I continue believing that after I go through these experiences I will be able to help someone else who is going through the same thing. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

Remember. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 
I KNOW it won't feel like it some days but there are better options and brighter futures ahead. If you are feeling hopeless, talk to someone. It may not help you feel better but trust me, you will be grateful in the long run that someone knows. In the hospital I learned how important it is to tell people when you start to crash. Now my husband knows when i do A, B, and C, he needs to intervene or get me out more or check in with me to see where my head is at. I KNOW what complete hopelessness feels like. Remember that anxiety feeds off of those negative feelings and vice versa. If you can eliminate decrease one, the other will mend slightly, so you can come to a more mellow sense of awareness and reality.

I also know that some people aren't as blessed with good family and friends to talk to. That is a level that I won't understand. I understand the feeling of not feeling like I can go to them, but I don't understand not having them. Talk to the Lifeline. These aren't people who get paid to sit in a cubicle and take calls all day. These are people who love you and care for you and chances are they are people who have been in your shoes. Please, do everything you can to not feel like ending your life is the only option you have left. You are worth so much more than that. And you owe it to yourself after everything you've gone through to make it; and live a long, healthy, beautiful life!

 

Make Your Voice Heard!

Well, I apologize for a long hiatus in my blog writing. I have been facing some NASTY 15 foot demons and it was taking everything I had, and I had no room to make myself as vulnerable as this blog makes me. Goes to show you always have healing to do and you always have progress to make! Maybe one day I will be able to go into detail about my struggles over the past couple months. For now its safe to say my depression got really deep. And its interesting now, cause I can go back in time and look and see all the signs that I was spiraling. My blog posts alone show it. It was missing the depth that I usually spend a lot of time including. 

Anyways, I had a post I was going to do now, but something happened to me this morning and I said to myself; "Self, you are going to do a post on this. There is a lot that needs to be said!" 

So, here I am. Listening to myself!! (This is a new skill I have...holla!)

As some of you may know...

You may know because it's a knowledge you previously had, or because you have seen someone you know on social media make a post about it, or change their profile or cover photo. I am huge on promoting this because awareness pages do some really cool things to help people take action and make a stand on it on their own and in their communities. For example, The National Sexual Violence Recourse Center is doing an Instagram contest for everyday of the month, each day promoting or doing things to make a difference. You can visit their Facebook page to find other things they are doing or click here to find it! (There are also alot of really cool pages on Facebook that I will share at the end so if you would like you can follow those too. :)

So because this month is an awareness month, I tend to have more of the topic plastered to my social media than usual. Long story short, I got a personal message from someone i am friends with on facebook upset by how much I had on my page. They said they scroll through their feed and see all of my stuff and they don't like it. Initially I wanted to retaliate with the SUPER adult response and say "oh yeah well it's my page you don't have to like it" which is all too true but I took a different approach. I then thought that maybe it was a trigger. Maybe this is something they have had to face before...so, I apologized and asked them if it was triggering. That, I can understand and handle the situation better. Well, they weren't triggered. They were just genuinely mad to see it because...wait for it........wait.....one more time....they don't see rape and sexual assault as in issue and people are wasting their time bringing awareness to it, and there are bigger issues to face as a community. 

WHAT?! I was completely blown! These people are out there! They exist!

At first I was just huffing and steaming in my own mind, pacing at work, because I was so furious by this!! Once I was able to calm down, (and take an anxiety pill, because hey it's my life right now!) it just made me sad. These stats are real. The chances are VERY high that someone in their life, friends or family, have been sexually assaulted or raped. I sent this person some links to help them educate themselves and they responded more negatively with that then they did with the original message of this conversation. Sadly, for me, I had a wake up call of realizing I cannot make people take a stand for this. I can't make people bring attention to it and I can't make people recognize it is a problem. SO until this person decides to educate themselves, they will continue believing it's not an issue.

You guys! This is why we need to stand a little taller on this. This is why we need to fight harder to stop this stuff from happening. This is why people have created movements, laws, protests, rights, and speeches. Because, RAPE CULTURE IS A REAL PROBLEM!!! It is evermore existing and the longer we have people try to deny that, the longer it takes to change it. 

I really urge you to find your own ways to be a support and a believer but here are some things that I can suggest to get you started. 

1) Understand and know what constitutes as sexual assault. Studies are finding that people (especially younger men) are not clear on where the lines are. Know it. You can also read the article here. 

2) Find some way to display your own kind of awareness. This really can be so simple. For one, you can just go find a teal string or something and make the ribbon and pin it to your shirt or backpack or purse. Then people see it every time you are out in public and some might even ask what it stands for. Then you can simply reply "It is the ribbon bringing awareness to sexual assault." SO simple right?! Literally everyone can do it. 

3) Be an example of appropriate behavior and words. It sounds like elementary learning but if a peer or student or child or sibling is out of line. Say something. Be different. Use your voice to change people's beliefs!

4) Utilize your social media! This is especially great if you are one of those people who don't like in person confrontation of any kind. You can change your profile picture, use the SAAM hashtag, share the SAAM videos, or even just make a status stating you pledge to take a stand against sexual assault! Other forms of media include art, photography, t-shirts, painting, or filmography. You would be surprised how far the little things go.

5) My last suggestion to get you going is to attend a SAAM event. Contact your local S.A.F.E. Center or go to this Online Directory to find things going on in your area. 

My hope and my prayer is that there will be a day where survivors don't have to be afraid to speak up...Where crimes not only get reported but get a sentencing to go with them...Where people won't fear for their safety walking to their car...where people and (who we thought were) our friends, don't tell survivors rape isn't an issue.

 MY HOPE IS FOR OUR FIGHT TO BECOME LOUD AND POWERFUL!!! 

Remember: there are good people in the world. Your voice matters. You are loved and cared about far more than you can know! 

Keep fighting!

*Take the pledge to stop sexual assault

*Honey is a non profit organization that does wonderful things to bring awareness and raise money. They also feature survivors stories on their page (Mine was featured a while back) 

*National Sexual Violence Resource Center has a Facebook page that is promoting lots of differnet ways to get involved this month. 

*Rainn is the Nations largest anti-sexual violence organization. They also operate the Nation Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) and the DoD Safe Helpline. 

Change Thinking Not Clothes

This is what I was wearing when I had my clothes forcefully removed from my body and was raped. 

Did I have it coming?!

Don't tell me, or a survivor that we were raped because of what we were wearing or how we were behaving. It doesn't matter if I was wearing this, or half of this. I don't care if I was wearing just the shoes! Its a problem of thinking, not a problem of dressing.
 What a person is dressed in should NEVER be the excuse as to why it is forcefully taken off. 

#ChangeThinkingNotClothes

A New Kind of Romance

The world changes so much. With each year we have new technology, new developments and inventions and new methods of doing things that we have done for decades. So many amazing things come with change and with adaptation. We have changed the way we look, how we dress, how we think, how we believe and how we see the world. Our hobbies and our entertainment have exponentially grown and we are capable of more now then we have ever been. It truly is incredibly remarkable. However, Some of those changes, I believe, have become skewed so drastically we no longer have their meaningful intentions in mind. One of those changes is our idea of relationships and our idea of romance. 

This past month, I had a talk with someone who is extremely dear to my heart. She and this guy had been flirting with each other over a short period of time and when a moment came when they were alone, they got close and began kissing. For my friend, she wasn't 100% in it. More just going through the motions. But a main problem is she did not want to say no to him. She didn't want to hurt his feelings and she didn't want things to become uncomfortable and awkward. So she kissed him. Not a huge deal right? Well it came to a point where kissing became the uncomfortable part. When her and I were talking about this she said something to me that has more than resonated with me.
 She said "I was afraid to keep kissing him and I shouldn't have been afraid...for the first time in my life I was scared that he wasn't going to stop."

Now listen. There are so many things we could discuss in this to change the situation. Things that all of us are learning from. We could go into things like 'don't be fearful and stand up for yourself...respect yourself enough to say I don't want to kiss you...or hey buddy knock it off your freaking me out. But that is not the main issue here!
The issue is HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED HER FIRST IF HE COULD KISS HER. He should have said "Hey *insert name here* I really would like to kiss you now." or "Can I kiss you now?" Then regardless of how it started it would have given her the opportunity to openly say how she feels and make her feel like she is more worth while than a good make out session. This doesn't come down to anything other than having respect the person you are intimate with. 
So this is what I am proposing.

I am proposing a new kind of romance.

Something that I learned to love and become undoubtedly grateful for was how much respect my husband, Corey, showed (and still shows) to me. When we were dating he always asked if he could scoot in, if he could hold my hand, if he could kiss me, if I was doing okay, or if something was too much. Yes, some of that could have been because I told him I was raped because there were things that were triggering to me, but overall that is just the type of person he is. And the truth of the matter is, it shouldn't take someone telling you they were assaulted for you to think about those kinds of things. They should just happen. I know that the new norm is different. Youngling's don't really date, they 'hang out' or 'hook up' or 'Netflix and chill'. (This is not applicable to everyone, but just the most common thing I see around me and with my younger siblings high school stories)


This makes me think of a quote from one of my favorite movies. The movie provides a very comedic relief to life (and maybe to the subject) but, wow, does it ring true!

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
-Emma Stone, "Easy A"



YES! Somehow that has dissipated from reality, and mutual (genuine) love and respect overall has been taken from intimacy and relationships. Somehow we have become so misguided as to what a real relationship is. Somehow we have allowed respect to be taken from our involvement with others, and by that we have allowed ourselves to be treated poorly and inadequately.

When I was in college I was really struggling with my depression. I was crashing at a very intense rate. I started skipping classes and didn't really go out of my room at all. When I did it was to a friends apartment in random buildings as well as my own building. Usually there were weird "parties" and weird people both male and female.

 I wish so badly that I loved and respected myself enough to know that I deserved better.

I wish that I would have known I am good enough to speak up and tell some of these men no I don't want to kiss you.

 And I wish that they would have respected me enough to ask me if they could.

But I didn't.

And they didn't.

And where as I never had sex with them, I kissed and made out with a lot of people when in my head I didn't want to. In my head I was saying 'tell them no' and in my head I was hating every minute of it....and yet, loving it at the same time because I didn't feel I was good enough to deserve any better. And because of that I have a long list of people I've kissed, not remembering half their names, and my husband has one name on his list...me.
Pretty soon when I started gaining the courage and self respect to tell them I didn't just want to lay here and kiss them but then it didn't matter because I had done this with the same 3 people for the past 3 weekends. Then pretty soon it went from something I could control and chose not to, and turned into something that was in their control because my voice no longer mattered.

Now I am not really ashamed. I know that I learned a lot since then and I have grown and strengthened myself, slowly becoming something great and worth while. But how much of a difference would it have made if I cared enough about the person I was and if the people I was with cared about the person I was? When did we as a population stop respecting each other? Why is chivalry no longer required? I am telling you! People deserve more than that! 

YOU deserve more than that!

After I was raped anything intimate or physical scared the living daylights out of me so that stopped me from choosing to keep living the type of life that let people use me for a physical gratification. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my rape to make me stop and think and heal and realize my worth.

My friend that I mentioned earlier is one of the most incredible human beings I've ever had the joy of knowing. She is constantly amazing me with her strength and courage and stamina to do what she feels is best for her. She has come such a long way and I know that she will keep growing into loving herself and respecting herself. But, that man should have respected her. Just as those men when I was in college should have respected me. And really when it comes down to it doesn't matter who did what first. Respect is respect. Chivalry is chivalry. Without it what kind of a society are we? What kind of message are we saying to our friends, our families and our loved ones? How much would the percentage of sexual assaults decrease if we all male and female respected one another? This concept has completely baffled my mind for weeks. It is literally so simple.

Unfortunately there will always be rotten people out there who will rape and abuse and tear other people down. My rapist sadly is probably one of those people. I guess I am just so disheartened to hear of all the good and wonderful people be taken advantage of just because the other person simply chose not to see how great they really are.  

So guess what? In reality my proposition isn't new. It is new to some and to a newer generation but it's not new. Unlike any other growth our world provides I say we take a step back on this one. I say we revert back to old ways and ask to kiss or be kissed. Take them out on a date. Show you care about them as a person and not just adding another notch on your physical belt.

All of the victims and survivors of abuse and rape are so courageous in banding together as a community of love and support. Every day I will be more and more grateful for that because I know every day someone has my back. Someone will remind me it wasn't my fault and someone will remind me of my worth as a person, as a woman, and as a daughter of my Father in Heaven.

Our quiet fight is getting louder! People are taking a stand and people are speaking up and that, is pretty remarkable.

Remember your worth.

Remember the worth of others.

Keep on fighting.