Rape Is Just Another Four Letter Word

 

The other day I was having a conversation with someone I have gotten to know pretty well. We were just carrying on in a normal chit-chat type conversation. I am unaware of how the topic we were on gave me the introduction into mentioning my blog, but I did. This person asked what my blog was for. I am assuming they thought it was a blog of some personal rants, recipes or pictures and stories of my married life. (All of which I wish I could fulfill, however couldn't and I would become repetitious and boring). When I told them it was a blog at a standpoint of a rape survivor, their whole body language and facial dynamic changed. As soon as I said the word 'rape' they became INSTANTLY uncomfortable. They folded their arms and even physically took a step backwards. Was it because I made them uncomfortable? No. Was it because I was gross and tainted now that they knew I was raped? No.

The word 'rape' itself sets off an allusion of discomfort and avoidance. This person then flat out asked why I would choose to be so open about something we shouldn't discuss in public so vocally and so bluntly. For me to say "I am a survivor of rape" is socially unacceptable. So I then asked this person in return why they thought that me talking about being raped was not okay to do. They couldn't really give a response so I asked a couple other questions. They were something like:

"Isn't 'society' comfortable with telling people around them they had a first kiss?'

 "Isn't sex in every other PG-13 movie?"

"Don't we hear others talk about people and people's bodies in a derogative manner and just let it be because its 'just the way people talk?"

So after this person agreed to those questions, saying yes that is the norm, I asked them one more question. And it is the same question that I will pose to my family, and my community, and society as a whole.
If all of that is okay to talk about in a casual conversation, why is it not okay for me to tell someone I was raped?

It makes you uncomfortable?
     Imagine how uncomfortable the victim/survivor felt as they begged for their attacker to stop.

That's uncomfortable.

It makes you embarrassed to be heard talking about it?
     Imagine how embarrassing it was for the survivor to tell 15 different people the same thing in one night, and answering a hundred personal and invasive questions, while some doctor you've never met before has his hands in places you never want touched again, and is taking pictures of you naked for evidence.

That's embarrassing.

It makes you question survivors stories in disbelief?

     Imagine being a parent to a child that had to come to you and say "Mom/Dad I tried to stop them but they wouldn't stop". Be that parent that has to drive their in shock kid to the hospital to talk to doctors and police and specialists about things you never wanted to hear uttered from their lips. Be the parent that has to try and help their kid be okay, all while not being okay yourself because there was nothing you could do to stop it... and now you have to watch them lay there and cry in pain and anguish.

That's Disbelief.

It doesn't happen if we don't bring attention to it?

     Tell that to your sister, friend, daughter, niece, mother, or wife. 1 in 6 women are raped. That means approx. 569,676,563 women in the world have been raped or sexually assaulted in the course of their lifetime. 

It's Happening Now.



You don't think we have a rape problem?

     Imagine it happening to you. And you can't stop it and you can't run away. In America someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.  

Now it's a problem, isn't it?

The sooner society stops making excuses on why we can't talk about it, the sooner we can start putting an end to it and lower these sickening statistics. We are so quick to ranting, and posting, and talking about stupid drivers, stalker clowns, a joke for a presidential election, cost fluctuation, and people who offend us. Why are we putting sexual assault and rape on the back burner compared to those when it is a real problem...a huge problem.

Being comfortable with it isn't going to happen overnight. You won't go to bed saying tomorrow I am going to shout out awareness to every end of my town and then wake up in the morning running out the door to do it. But it starts with simple things.

For example, RAINN has a Petition to the next president of the United States stating if they promise to make sexual violence a top priority, you promise to do anything you can to help. That's an easy step. Sign it. Right then you have made an impact and made a step in spreading awareness.

Other easy ideas are to follow some social media pages promoting sexual assault awareness. They will educate you on the issues attached with rape and also occasionally post ideas and options for you to make a difference. 

However, the most important way you can start is by believing it is a problem and not ducking for cover any time the word rape gets brought up. If I have learned anything in my process to healing, its been that talking to other people who try to understand and support me has made more of a difference than all my therapy appointments, police visits and crying combined. There is a really special and unique power in people coming together to love, support, and believe a survivor. They can change and put a survivors life back together when the survivor can't even see a future for one. They can reinstate peace and love and a sense of security. They can help them believe in trust and intimacy and love again. They can heal sorrow and pain and heartache!

If you have legitimately never been informed or made aware of rape culture it's not too late to start. I think I learned the hard way ;)... but I am so glad that I am aware so I am able to be informed enough to talk to other people who have been through the same thing, and help make people aware of the issue.
My husband was one of those people who didn't think it was an issue, simply because he was never informed that it happens. People are abused and people are raped. Now was it a horrible thing that he wasn't? No, people don't necessarily want to sit their children down and tell them such dark things. But I can only imagine how hard it was for him on that day when we sat down and I told him I was raped. He had no prior knowledge of it and didn't know how to act or respond. He just knew that something horrible had happened to this person that he loved and cared so deeply for. All of a sudden he could see where my walls and barriers and fears came from but had no knowledge of why they were there because he did not understand the severity of what it does to you mentally, physically and emotionally. He never thought his wife would be a survivor of rape because he did not understand, sadly, how common it has become. I am sure it would have been 90% easier (not for him to deal with because that will always be a shock to find out it happened to someone you love) for him to understand and cope with the knowledge of it with a previous understanding of rape culture.

I strongly and sincerely urge people to step outside of their comfort zones to talk about and educate yourself! I am so sick of reading story after news article after Facebook post about someone being raped or assaulted and the band of people believing and shouting it's not a problem. I am sick of people with authoritative power and public figures siding with these perpetrators who come off with little to no punishment because they are 'good athletes'. I am sick of people telling me and other survivors that it's not a big deal and we should just forget about it and move on with our lives. I am sick of the heartbreak that comes from the beautiful survivors that I am so blessed to come into contact with every day. There is enough horror going on in the world as it is. We don't need rape and sexual assault to be at the top with it. That is one of the things we can most control, influence and drastically decrease.

On the other hand of this all I again am so immensely grateful and blessed to be able to be a voice for those who had theirs temporarily taken. I am so overwhelmed with humility as people use what I have to say (or rant) about to fill what they need to voice. I am grateful that my experiences have led me here. I know that without them I would be one of those people that was misinformed or not informed at all of how common rape is.

 Thank you to everyone that is 

choosing to speak up 

and make this quiet fight a bit louder. 

The Perfect Victim

**Trigger Warning**

When I got raped, my case didn't hold up long enough for it to even be able to consider a trial. I was ready to do it if that is what was needed. I was told I essentially I would go through it for nothing, because he wasn't going to be guilty. It made me really mad then. But now, it infuriates me. I am not mad for the sole purpose of revenge, but because one of my greatest fears is that some girl, clueless like me, will fall into the same trap. I am terrified he will rape another girl. There are, I am sure, more than one or two deciding factors in why he would never get charged with Rape. But from my experience, in my case, there was one that ultimately decided his fate.

I DID NOT ACT OR RESPOND HOW SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT RAPED SHOULD HAVE ACTED OR RESPONDED.


Point blank.


So what do they want to see? What does a judge and a jury and a detective or a cop and a family member or a doctor need to be able to start locking the people who commit this horrid of a crime up?

Well, lets look at how my rape SHOULD have gone.

*The following experience is a satire written to make a point and are not the actual details of my personal story*



When he broke up with me, I ended it entirely. I completely cut him off all together and let him know I did not want anything to do with him again for the rest of my life. The previous friendship now became nothing to me and i severed it. But it didn't work. He kept calling and texting and asking me to spend time with him. He asked me if I would come to his house to see his family and just have a good time hanging out. I said no and that made him mad.

 I went about the rest of my day, going on my nightly walk with 3 neighbors (2 of those were men because that made me safer) and 2 dogs (again for added protection). I definitely never went anywhere alone because I didn't want it to seem like I was asking for something bad to happen. I was wearing long baggy pants and an over sized hoodie. I was really careful to make sure that nothing I was wearing was too revealing because I didn't want to give off that look of "I'm easy". I made sure to only have water in my system because when I gave yes or no responses to the company I was with, they would understand yes was yes and no was no.

Then out of nowhere a dark car showed up and just like that I was kidnapped. I heard the neighbors I was with screaming and then everything went black. The next thing I remember was waking up to a severe headache and blurry vision. I  made sure to spend enough time as I was regaining my vision to pull out every detail of my surroundings, because my adrenaline is really good and pin pointing very specific details in an intense crisis. I knew what he was wearing what show I heard in the background...and I knew what to do next as I saw him coming at me with a look in his eye that no amount of persuasion would change. 

As he pinned me down to pull off my clothes I used my first instinct. To scream. This came so easy because I had told myself before if anything like this happened that is what I would do. Naturally my brain retained this information because I didn't stop screaming. And even though he told me to shut up and hit me every time I yelled or told him to stop I didn't stop. When I was paying attention to details in the room I noticed a small camera on the desk. He was filming this. I thought to myself "this is good because this will help lock him away."

When he was finished with me I pushed him aside running out the door out of the apartment complex and I didn't stop running until I had reach a location to call my parents. I told them everything that happened all at once. I knew in an instant I wasn't dirty. I wasn't scared or hurt (mentally or physically) and I knew I was going to be okay. My mind was clear and I could fully process what happened to me and what I needed to do next. I immediately went to the police, not stopping at home to breathe, get some water or shower.

 I went to the police and with ease told them everything. 

The evidence was enough to detain him for questioning and once they knew of and found the video footage that was it. I was able to testify and he was locked away as a rapist. I was told I handled everything perfectly and if I hadn't it wouldn't have made as clear of a case.
 I was so grateful for my mind and body reacting in a normal matter to make sure that I didn't have any guilt or shame or PTSD after. I was able to go back to a normal way of living. Nothing changed. I just got to lock another bad person away. 
The End. 
*

WHY is this what people want to hear and see? 

WHY is there only 1 way that victims of rape should react. 

WHY does it matter how they dressed, who they spent time with, 

or what the ate or drank the day it happened?

Why couldn't the bruises in the forming the shape of his hands on my chest be enough?

 WHY is putting a person away dependent on how you behaved after you were beaten, violated, yelled at, shamed, defeated...after YOU WERE RAPED?! You were used, and tossed aside like an old rag and all those other things matter?!

(sketch I drew showing how a survivor feels after rape)

To me this is the biggest issue in the world not understanding rape culture. I don't know how or why or where the world came up with the ideal that there is one scenario in which a person is "actually" raped and the rest are no good. No one asks to be raped based on their clothes, their friends, their extra curricular activities or their general way of living their life. 
If you did not say "I want you to touch me", "Yes I want to have sex" or "remove my clothes" It is sexual assault or rape. If at any moment you say "no" or "stop" it is then sexual assault or rape.  THIS IS BASIC HUMAN KNOWLEDGE!! It has always been this way, so why in the hell do people think its different now? Do we get too offended? Too entitled? Maybe too caught up in this shouldn't or won't happen to me? 
THIS is the aspect that needs to educate people on rape. Its as simple as black and white. 

Rape is rape.
There is no perfect victim. 
That doesn't exist.
There is no right or wrong way to handle it. 

I wish so badly that people who are victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault could know that from the get go. It took me so long to learn that I didn't handle my situation the wrong way. Did I handle it how people with preconceived notions thought I should handle it? Did I handle it how I thought I would handle it? NO! I stated this in my first post. I got into the car with the creep! I let him drive me home. It doesn't make sense to the outside world. But after going though something horrific and traumatizing and way too real that is one thing that made sense. Act normal (because all your normal was just ripped from you) and get home to your family and your safe place. That is what I needed to make it. 

Yes, some will react like the "perfect" story. Some will fight their way out and some flea. Fight or flight. They don't call it "wrong or right" Neither is wrong. What is wrong is the person who raped you not caring for the fact that you are a human being.

So what can we do? Talk about it! Let people know THE only wrong decision made in a situation of rape is the decision the perpetrator made to rape. Its hard, but share your stories with your family and friends. I know not everyone I knew thought I did the right thing at first either. But I talked with them, educated them and showed them it isn't all the same scenario every time. It won't work 100% but the best way to change the minds of the world is to have the people who understand it best, be the one to educate. Its a big project to take on. Sometimes I think, I gave enough, I've had enough taken from me, I shouldn't have to be one that puts myself out there more to let people know something needs to change. But slowly I have realized the impact I can make in the lives of others and I am more than honored to help pave the way for a different way of thinking.  

I continue to hope that one day this fight will no longer be quiet..that it will be loud and clear and united among all types of people.