Change Thinking Not Clothes

This is what I was wearing when I had my clothes forcefully removed from my body and was raped. 

Did I have it coming?!

Don't tell me, or a survivor that we were raped because of what we were wearing or how we were behaving. It doesn't matter if I was wearing this, or half of this. I don't care if I was wearing just the shoes! Its a problem of thinking, not a problem of dressing.
 What a person is dressed in should NEVER be the excuse as to why it is forcefully taken off. 

#ChangeThinkingNotClothes

A New Kind of Romance

The world changes so much. With each year we have new technology, new developments and inventions and new methods of doing things that we have done for decades. So many amazing things come with change and with adaptation. We have changed the way we look, how we dress, how we think, how we believe and how we see the world. Our hobbies and our entertainment have exponentially grown and we are capable of more now then we have ever been. It truly is incredibly remarkable. However, Some of those changes, I believe, have become skewed so drastically we no longer have their meaningful intentions in mind. One of those changes is our idea of relationships and our idea of romance. 

This past month, I had a talk with someone who is extremely dear to my heart. She and this guy had been flirting with each other over a short period of time and when a moment came when they were alone, they got close and began kissing. For my friend, she wasn't 100% in it. More just going through the motions. But a main problem is she did not want to say no to him. She didn't want to hurt his feelings and she didn't want things to become uncomfortable and awkward. So she kissed him. Not a huge deal right? Well it came to a point where kissing became the uncomfortable part. When her and I were talking about this she said something to me that has more than resonated with me.
 She said "I was afraid to keep kissing him and I shouldn't have been afraid...for the first time in my life I was scared that he wasn't going to stop."

Now listen. There are so many things we could discuss in this to change the situation. Things that all of us are learning from. We could go into things like 'don't be fearful and stand up for yourself...respect yourself enough to say I don't want to kiss you...or hey buddy knock it off your freaking me out. But that is not the main issue here!
The issue is HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED HER FIRST IF HE COULD KISS HER. He should have said "Hey *insert name here* I really would like to kiss you now." or "Can I kiss you now?" Then regardless of how it started it would have given her the opportunity to openly say how she feels and make her feel like she is more worth while than a good make out session. This doesn't come down to anything other than having respect the person you are intimate with. 
So this is what I am proposing.

I am proposing a new kind of romance.

Something that I learned to love and become undoubtedly grateful for was how much respect my husband, Corey, showed (and still shows) to me. When we were dating he always asked if he could scoot in, if he could hold my hand, if he could kiss me, if I was doing okay, or if something was too much. Yes, some of that could have been because I told him I was raped because there were things that were triggering to me, but overall that is just the type of person he is. And the truth of the matter is, it shouldn't take someone telling you they were assaulted for you to think about those kinds of things. They should just happen. I know that the new norm is different. Youngling's don't really date, they 'hang out' or 'hook up' or 'Netflix and chill'. (This is not applicable to everyone, but just the most common thing I see around me and with my younger siblings high school stories)


This makes me think of a quote from one of my favorite movies. The movie provides a very comedic relief to life (and maybe to the subject) but, wow, does it ring true!

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
-Emma Stone, "Easy A"



YES! Somehow that has dissipated from reality, and mutual (genuine) love and respect overall has been taken from intimacy and relationships. Somehow we have become so misguided as to what a real relationship is. Somehow we have allowed respect to be taken from our involvement with others, and by that we have allowed ourselves to be treated poorly and inadequately.

When I was in college I was really struggling with my depression. I was crashing at a very intense rate. I started skipping classes and didn't really go out of my room at all. When I did it was to a friends apartment in random buildings as well as my own building. Usually there were weird "parties" and weird people both male and female.

 I wish so badly that I loved and respected myself enough to know that I deserved better.

I wish that I would have known I am good enough to speak up and tell some of these men no I don't want to kiss you.

 And I wish that they would have respected me enough to ask me if they could.

But I didn't.

And they didn't.

And where as I never had sex with them, I kissed and made out with a lot of people when in my head I didn't want to. In my head I was saying 'tell them no' and in my head I was hating every minute of it....and yet, loving it at the same time because I didn't feel I was good enough to deserve any better. And because of that I have a long list of people I've kissed, not remembering half their names, and my husband has one name on his list...me.
Pretty soon when I started gaining the courage and self respect to tell them I didn't just want to lay here and kiss them but then it didn't matter because I had done this with the same 3 people for the past 3 weekends. Then pretty soon it went from something I could control and chose not to, and turned into something that was in their control because my voice no longer mattered.

Now I am not really ashamed. I know that I learned a lot since then and I have grown and strengthened myself, slowly becoming something great and worth while. But how much of a difference would it have made if I cared enough about the person I was and if the people I was with cared about the person I was? When did we as a population stop respecting each other? Why is chivalry no longer required? I am telling you! People deserve more than that! 

YOU deserve more than that!

After I was raped anything intimate or physical scared the living daylights out of me so that stopped me from choosing to keep living the type of life that let people use me for a physical gratification. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my rape to make me stop and think and heal and realize my worth.

My friend that I mentioned earlier is one of the most incredible human beings I've ever had the joy of knowing. She is constantly amazing me with her strength and courage and stamina to do what she feels is best for her. She has come such a long way and I know that she will keep growing into loving herself and respecting herself. But, that man should have respected her. Just as those men when I was in college should have respected me. And really when it comes down to it doesn't matter who did what first. Respect is respect. Chivalry is chivalry. Without it what kind of a society are we? What kind of message are we saying to our friends, our families and our loved ones? How much would the percentage of sexual assaults decrease if we all male and female respected one another? This concept has completely baffled my mind for weeks. It is literally so simple.

Unfortunately there will always be rotten people out there who will rape and abuse and tear other people down. My rapist sadly is probably one of those people. I guess I am just so disheartened to hear of all the good and wonderful people be taken advantage of just because the other person simply chose not to see how great they really are.  

So guess what? In reality my proposition isn't new. It is new to some and to a newer generation but it's not new. Unlike any other growth our world provides I say we take a step back on this one. I say we revert back to old ways and ask to kiss or be kissed. Take them out on a date. Show you care about them as a person and not just adding another notch on your physical belt.

All of the victims and survivors of abuse and rape are so courageous in banding together as a community of love and support. Every day I will be more and more grateful for that because I know every day someone has my back. Someone will remind me it wasn't my fault and someone will remind me of my worth as a person, as a woman, and as a daughter of my Father in Heaven.

Our quiet fight is getting louder! People are taking a stand and people are speaking up and that, is pretty remarkable.

Remember your worth.

Remember the worth of others.

Keep on fighting.

This is my "I just can't today" Post

This post is not a lot of things. It.'s not to make people say I am sorry. It's not to have people feel bad for me... and it's not to have people reassure me that I am doing a good job or that it'll get better. I love those things and I am grateful for the support. But that is not what I am looking for in this. Its an I am angry post. It's an I feel wronged and today I am gonna just be grumpy about it. It's a post that just lets me vent and think and get it all out to be done with it. That's it. It won't help anyone but me...and that's okay :)

Why bother to post it, if it just for me? Well, when I started this blog I promised honesty. This is me just keeping that promise.

Overall I have made a lot of progress. I have become really good and seeing what still hurts and what being rape has really screwed up and turning that into something positive or healing from it. But man, I tell you, some days a different picture is painted. Some days I wanna scream at everyone and everything letting the world know how I really feel.

"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"

"THIS IS NOT FAIR"

"YOU TOOK MORE FROM ME THAT JUST SEX"

"I AM SO SICK OF TRYING TO BE BRAVE AND STRONG"

"THIS HURTS AND I AM HURT"

"THE WORLD SUCKS AND I DONT WANT TO DO IT TODAY"

Turns out most of the time that isn't acceptable;). I have to do things like go to work, make dinner for the hubby and myself, walk my dogs, clean my house, do laundry, visit family, go to church, and some days fake a smile that, on occasion, is more than I can handle.

but let me tell you something. I realized that survivors who are in a good enough place to help others be strong, can't be strong every day. Days like today I listen to a lot of 'moody' music. Some people hear loud noise, I hear something I can relate to on such a deep level. Regardless what the songs were actually written about I connect to them as if they were written for me.

If any of you care, some of them are:
(Sorry if there is language in these that bother you)

The Best of Me-ADTR


Remember Everything-FFDP


Coming Down-FFDP


Make It Stop-Rise Against


Guts Over Fear-Eminem


The Downfall Of Us All-ADTR


You know, there's a common misconception. And it is... that within a certain amount of time after your rape it shouldn't or doesn't effect you.
False! It does. Probably not as bad as it did the day or week or month after but it does, okay? Something that drastic and that traumatizing sticks with you. So I don't have as many flashbacks and night terrors. But guess what? The horrible one I had 2 weeks ago that woke my husband up in the middle of the night was unexpected and un-triggered. I felt fine that day when I woke up, I felt fine when I got home from work and when I went to bed. It just happened.

Sometimes pieces you forgot come back. There is a specific genre of TV that I hate and it makes me sick...because 'F Word' (yep, that's what I call him...we will refer to it as a coping mechanism to make it acceptable :P) liked those shows. Corey likes some of those shows. Its not a bad thing and he watches them when I am not home. One time he had one on as I walked in the door and I had a complete and total flashback and full blown panic attack. That exact show was the one that was playing while I was being raped. Never remembered that until then. In fact the detectives asked if I could remember what was on the TV I couldn't remember. Just knew that the TV was on.

My heart STILL skips a beat when I see the type of car he drove.

Unfortunately his name is one used when you are reading a word or name off to someone and have to say something like 'B as in boy" for the letter. I work at a hotel so I hear it on a daily basis. Still makes my stomach turn.

During anything physical with Corey, even just cuddling, my arms always have to be able to move. If they are restricted at all it literally makes my heart race and sends my insides into a panic more quickly than I've ever experienced before.

Derogative words that are used in some peoples everyday language that I work with bother me. Not necessarily because they are words I don't like but because that were used towards me when I didn't have a voice.

Certain music and movies leave a bad taste in my mouth. Ones that are common and quoted and sung a lot. I have not seen one of my favorite animated movies since I was raped...its just not worth it.

So I can have bad days. Any survivor can. I choose to work really hard so that when I have really bad days, I can let myself feel it and sit in it for a day. Just a day. 
Then the next morning I get up and fight like hell all over again.

Rape Is Just Another Four Letter Word

 

The other day I was having a conversation with someone I have gotten to know pretty well. We were just carrying on in a normal chit-chat type conversation. I am unaware of how the topic we were on gave me the introduction into mentioning my blog, but I did. This person asked what my blog was for. I am assuming they thought it was a blog of some personal rants, recipes or pictures and stories of my married life. (All of which I wish I could fulfill, however couldn't and I would become repetitious and boring). When I told them it was a blog at a standpoint of a rape survivor, their whole body language and facial dynamic changed. As soon as I said the word 'rape' they became INSTANTLY uncomfortable. They folded their arms and even physically took a step backwards. Was it because I made them uncomfortable? No. Was it because I was gross and tainted now that they knew I was raped? No.

The word 'rape' itself sets off an allusion of discomfort and avoidance. This person then flat out asked why I would choose to be so open about something we shouldn't discuss in public so vocally and so bluntly. For me to say "I am a survivor of rape" is socially unacceptable. So I then asked this person in return why they thought that me talking about being raped was not okay to do. They couldn't really give a response so I asked a couple other questions. They were something like:

"Isn't 'society' comfortable with telling people around them they had a first kiss?'

 "Isn't sex in every other PG-13 movie?"

"Don't we hear others talk about people and people's bodies in a derogative manner and just let it be because its 'just the way people talk?"

So after this person agreed to those questions, saying yes that is the norm, I asked them one more question. And it is the same question that I will pose to my family, and my community, and society as a whole.
If all of that is okay to talk about in a casual conversation, why is it not okay for me to tell someone I was raped?

It makes you uncomfortable?
     Imagine how uncomfortable the victim/survivor felt as they begged for their attacker to stop.

That's uncomfortable.

It makes you embarrassed to be heard talking about it?
     Imagine how embarrassing it was for the survivor to tell 15 different people the same thing in one night, and answering a hundred personal and invasive questions, while some doctor you've never met before has his hands in places you never want touched again, and is taking pictures of you naked for evidence.

That's embarrassing.

It makes you question survivors stories in disbelief?

     Imagine being a parent to a child that had to come to you and say "Mom/Dad I tried to stop them but they wouldn't stop". Be that parent that has to drive their in shock kid to the hospital to talk to doctors and police and specialists about things you never wanted to hear uttered from their lips. Be the parent that has to try and help their kid be okay, all while not being okay yourself because there was nothing you could do to stop it... and now you have to watch them lay there and cry in pain and anguish.

That's Disbelief.

It doesn't happen if we don't bring attention to it?

     Tell that to your sister, friend, daughter, niece, mother, or wife. 1 in 6 women are raped. That means approx. 569,676,563 women in the world have been raped or sexually assaulted in the course of their lifetime. 

It's Happening Now.



You don't think we have a rape problem?

     Imagine it happening to you. And you can't stop it and you can't run away. In America someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.  

Now it's a problem, isn't it?

The sooner society stops making excuses on why we can't talk about it, the sooner we can start putting an end to it and lower these sickening statistics. We are so quick to ranting, and posting, and talking about stupid drivers, stalker clowns, a joke for a presidential election, cost fluctuation, and people who offend us. Why are we putting sexual assault and rape on the back burner compared to those when it is a real problem...a huge problem.

Being comfortable with it isn't going to happen overnight. You won't go to bed saying tomorrow I am going to shout out awareness to every end of my town and then wake up in the morning running out the door to do it. But it starts with simple things.

For example, RAINN has a Petition to the next president of the United States stating if they promise to make sexual violence a top priority, you promise to do anything you can to help. That's an easy step. Sign it. Right then you have made an impact and made a step in spreading awareness.

Other easy ideas are to follow some social media pages promoting sexual assault awareness. They will educate you on the issues attached with rape and also occasionally post ideas and options for you to make a difference. 

However, the most important way you can start is by believing it is a problem and not ducking for cover any time the word rape gets brought up. If I have learned anything in my process to healing, its been that talking to other people who try to understand and support me has made more of a difference than all my therapy appointments, police visits and crying combined. There is a really special and unique power in people coming together to love, support, and believe a survivor. They can change and put a survivors life back together when the survivor can't even see a future for one. They can reinstate peace and love and a sense of security. They can help them believe in trust and intimacy and love again. They can heal sorrow and pain and heartache!

If you have legitimately never been informed or made aware of rape culture it's not too late to start. I think I learned the hard way ;)... but I am so glad that I am aware so I am able to be informed enough to talk to other people who have been through the same thing, and help make people aware of the issue.
My husband was one of those people who didn't think it was an issue, simply because he was never informed that it happens. People are abused and people are raped. Now was it a horrible thing that he wasn't? No, people don't necessarily want to sit their children down and tell them such dark things. But I can only imagine how hard it was for him on that day when we sat down and I told him I was raped. He had no prior knowledge of it and didn't know how to act or respond. He just knew that something horrible had happened to this person that he loved and cared so deeply for. All of a sudden he could see where my walls and barriers and fears came from but had no knowledge of why they were there because he did not understand the severity of what it does to you mentally, physically and emotionally. He never thought his wife would be a survivor of rape because he did not understand, sadly, how common it has become. I am sure it would have been 90% easier (not for him to deal with because that will always be a shock to find out it happened to someone you love) for him to understand and cope with the knowledge of it with a previous understanding of rape culture.

I strongly and sincerely urge people to step outside of their comfort zones to talk about and educate yourself! I am so sick of reading story after news article after Facebook post about someone being raped or assaulted and the band of people believing and shouting it's not a problem. I am sick of people with authoritative power and public figures siding with these perpetrators who come off with little to no punishment because they are 'good athletes'. I am sick of people telling me and other survivors that it's not a big deal and we should just forget about it and move on with our lives. I am sick of the heartbreak that comes from the beautiful survivors that I am so blessed to come into contact with every day. There is enough horror going on in the world as it is. We don't need rape and sexual assault to be at the top with it. That is one of the things we can most control, influence and drastically decrease.

On the other hand of this all I again am so immensely grateful and blessed to be able to be a voice for those who had theirs temporarily taken. I am so overwhelmed with humility as people use what I have to say (or rant) about to fill what they need to voice. I am grateful that my experiences have led me here. I know that without them I would be one of those people that was misinformed or not informed at all of how common rape is.

 Thank you to everyone that is 

choosing to speak up 

and make this quiet fight a bit louder. 

The Perfect Victim

**Trigger Warning**

When I got raped, my case didn't hold up long enough for it to even be able to consider a trial. I was ready to do it if that is what was needed. I was told I essentially I would go through it for nothing, because he wasn't going to be guilty. It made me really mad then. But now, it infuriates me. I am not mad for the sole purpose of revenge, but because one of my greatest fears is that some girl, clueless like me, will fall into the same trap. I am terrified he will rape another girl. There are, I am sure, more than one or two deciding factors in why he would never get charged with Rape. But from my experience, in my case, there was one that ultimately decided his fate.

I DID NOT ACT OR RESPOND HOW SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT RAPED SHOULD HAVE ACTED OR RESPONDED.


Point blank.


So what do they want to see? What does a judge and a jury and a detective or a cop and a family member or a doctor need to be able to start locking the people who commit this horrid of a crime up?

Well, lets look at how my rape SHOULD have gone.

*The following experience is a satire written to make a point and are not the actual details of my personal story*



When he broke up with me, I ended it entirely. I completely cut him off all together and let him know I did not want anything to do with him again for the rest of my life. The previous friendship now became nothing to me and i severed it. But it didn't work. He kept calling and texting and asking me to spend time with him. He asked me if I would come to his house to see his family and just have a good time hanging out. I said no and that made him mad.

 I went about the rest of my day, going on my nightly walk with 3 neighbors (2 of those were men because that made me safer) and 2 dogs (again for added protection). I definitely never went anywhere alone because I didn't want it to seem like I was asking for something bad to happen. I was wearing long baggy pants and an over sized hoodie. I was really careful to make sure that nothing I was wearing was too revealing because I didn't want to give off that look of "I'm easy". I made sure to only have water in my system because when I gave yes or no responses to the company I was with, they would understand yes was yes and no was no.

Then out of nowhere a dark car showed up and just like that I was kidnapped. I heard the neighbors I was with screaming and then everything went black. The next thing I remember was waking up to a severe headache and blurry vision. I  made sure to spend enough time as I was regaining my vision to pull out every detail of my surroundings, because my adrenaline is really good and pin pointing very specific details in an intense crisis. I knew what he was wearing what show I heard in the background...and I knew what to do next as I saw him coming at me with a look in his eye that no amount of persuasion would change. 

As he pinned me down to pull off my clothes I used my first instinct. To scream. This came so easy because I had told myself before if anything like this happened that is what I would do. Naturally my brain retained this information because I didn't stop screaming. And even though he told me to shut up and hit me every time I yelled or told him to stop I didn't stop. When I was paying attention to details in the room I noticed a small camera on the desk. He was filming this. I thought to myself "this is good because this will help lock him away."

When he was finished with me I pushed him aside running out the door out of the apartment complex and I didn't stop running until I had reach a location to call my parents. I told them everything that happened all at once. I knew in an instant I wasn't dirty. I wasn't scared or hurt (mentally or physically) and I knew I was going to be okay. My mind was clear and I could fully process what happened to me and what I needed to do next. I immediately went to the police, not stopping at home to breathe, get some water or shower.

 I went to the police and with ease told them everything. 

The evidence was enough to detain him for questioning and once they knew of and found the video footage that was it. I was able to testify and he was locked away as a rapist. I was told I handled everything perfectly and if I hadn't it wouldn't have made as clear of a case.
 I was so grateful for my mind and body reacting in a normal matter to make sure that I didn't have any guilt or shame or PTSD after. I was able to go back to a normal way of living. Nothing changed. I just got to lock another bad person away. 
The End. 
*

WHY is this what people want to hear and see? 

WHY is there only 1 way that victims of rape should react. 

WHY does it matter how they dressed, who they spent time with, 

or what the ate or drank the day it happened?

Why couldn't the bruises in the forming the shape of his hands on my chest be enough?

 WHY is putting a person away dependent on how you behaved after you were beaten, violated, yelled at, shamed, defeated...after YOU WERE RAPED?! You were used, and tossed aside like an old rag and all those other things matter?!

(sketch I drew showing how a survivor feels after rape)

To me this is the biggest issue in the world not understanding rape culture. I don't know how or why or where the world came up with the ideal that there is one scenario in which a person is "actually" raped and the rest are no good. No one asks to be raped based on their clothes, their friends, their extra curricular activities or their general way of living their life. 
If you did not say "I want you to touch me", "Yes I want to have sex" or "remove my clothes" It is sexual assault or rape. If at any moment you say "no" or "stop" it is then sexual assault or rape.  THIS IS BASIC HUMAN KNOWLEDGE!! It has always been this way, so why in the hell do people think its different now? Do we get too offended? Too entitled? Maybe too caught up in this shouldn't or won't happen to me? 
THIS is the aspect that needs to educate people on rape. Its as simple as black and white. 

Rape is rape.
There is no perfect victim. 
That doesn't exist.
There is no right or wrong way to handle it. 

I wish so badly that people who are victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault could know that from the get go. It took me so long to learn that I didn't handle my situation the wrong way. Did I handle it how people with preconceived notions thought I should handle it? Did I handle it how I thought I would handle it? NO! I stated this in my first post. I got into the car with the creep! I let him drive me home. It doesn't make sense to the outside world. But after going though something horrific and traumatizing and way too real that is one thing that made sense. Act normal (because all your normal was just ripped from you) and get home to your family and your safe place. That is what I needed to make it. 

Yes, some will react like the "perfect" story. Some will fight their way out and some flea. Fight or flight. They don't call it "wrong or right" Neither is wrong. What is wrong is the person who raped you not caring for the fact that you are a human being.

So what can we do? Talk about it! Let people know THE only wrong decision made in a situation of rape is the decision the perpetrator made to rape. Its hard, but share your stories with your family and friends. I know not everyone I knew thought I did the right thing at first either. But I talked with them, educated them and showed them it isn't all the same scenario every time. It won't work 100% but the best way to change the minds of the world is to have the people who understand it best, be the one to educate. Its a big project to take on. Sometimes I think, I gave enough, I've had enough taken from me, I shouldn't have to be one that puts myself out there more to let people know something needs to change. But slowly I have realized the impact I can make in the lives of others and I am more than honored to help pave the way for a different way of thinking.  

I continue to hope that one day this fight will no longer be quiet..that it will be loud and clear and united among all types of people. 

Rape taught me how to truly love who I am

I have been reflecting a lot lately. It helps that I took a small hiatus for myself to breathe and take a beat. As much as I LOVE my blog, talking about being raped (even if its indefinitely) is exhausting and takes a bit out of me. It kinda puts me in a weird funk for a couple days. Not a funk incapable of functioning or being happy but kind of like a dull fog over the front of my brain. It makes me think of it more times (than normal) on a daily basis and I just needed a breather from that for a bit of time. But since i’ve had all this time to think, what has really been on my mind is what kind of person I am. I’ve thought to myself, “if I were someone else, would I want to spend a whole day with Miquelle?” I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think i’m a total stick in the mud:). I have my days where I am sure no one wants to be around me because I am just grouchy and stuck in my own self pity. (Apologizes to Corey cause he kinda said he’d stick by me even when i’m bathing in self pity). But I think I am a decent human being..FAR from perfect but decent. I try to love others unconditionally, to be brave, to be obedient to my Father in Heaven, to speak kindly to and about others, I look for small opportunities to serve and I put my 110% into my work, whatever that work may be. I have opportunities every day to make me better and if i choose to handle those opportunities well, i succeed and become a little bit better of a person at the end of the day. But…

Would I be this person if i didn’t get raped? Would I be this person if i didn’t have to FIGHT every single day to breathe and to be okay? Would I be this person if I didn’t have to learn for myself to trust and to see good in the world? Would I be who I am if I lived a “normal” life free from abuse?

My conclusion?

No. I wouldn’t.

Now trust me I wish that I could have learned some “life lessons” in a different way. No one wakes up and says to themselves “Hey, I am glad that I got raped.” I could have definitely done my growing from different life experiences. But I didn’t. I learned how to do life from being raped. That’s a fact and it won’t change no matter how much time I spent thinking it would. Coming to terms with that brought a lot of negative things. Negative emotions, negative thought processes, negative habits, negative expectations...but slowly, one by one, I have learned how to alter those to be for my benefit. And that’s what I loved. I wasn’t taught that I can’t think that way. YOU CAN! You’re allowed to. You were raped. You have that right. But i love that i was taught to take all of those negatives and turn them into something to learn and grow from. I never have to be okay with what happened to me. It isn’t okay for someone to take what they took from me. But it is okay to take the bad and mold it into something beautiful. It may be a Picasso painting kind of beautiful, but nonetheless, beautiful and it has turned into something worthwhile.

And hey maybe this post is just for me. Maybe I need that reassurance that i’m okay, i’m doing okay at life and i will be okay from here on out. Maybe i just need a reminder that I am good and worthwhile and that getting raped doesn’t  alter that. It took a lot but it didn’t make me less of a person. But rape did mold me.

Rape caused me to hate myself which taught me how to truly love who I am.

Rape caused me not to trust a soul on Earth which showed me how to develop my own boundaries and lines.

Rape caused me to hate. Hate everyone, and hate the world. Dark, enraged, hate..which drew me closer to God as I prayed for Charity

Rape caused me to believe I was damaged goods and no one would want me which in turn made me work to see and find a man who thought the world of me and will now spend eternity by my side.

Rape caused me to question my life, even my existence, and made me second guess my role on the Earth which turned me to have a purpose full of love and service.

Rape led me to believe I would always be depressed...that there was no light at the end of this tunnel that it placed me in, which, put a train on the tracks i never would have normally taken and it has greatly blessed my life by meeting the most incredible people.

Rape caused me to pull away from my family and friends which showed me the value of family and to not take it for granted.

Rape caused me to believe i was a victim, which guided me to see I am a survivor...a fighter...and a victor.

Like I said I know there were other ways I could have learned these things. There were easier ways and much more desirable ways. But I am grateful. Not that i was raped but, grateful that I learned what I did from it. I don’t think (for me) there was a better way because this made strong in what I believe. It made me strong in what I think. It made me strong in what I do or say.

It gave me strength.

...in ways I never imagined I could be strong.

Rape was/is not the end for me. And it isn’t the end for any other survivors. It can be defeated. It can be beaten. And with the continuous movements and organizations for awareness and stopping the silence, rape can be less and less of an issue everyday! Soon the fight won’t be quiet because the people around us will be educated enough to listen to and help survivors speak out!

What rape gave me

Five years ago today was the day I was raped.

Normally you would think that today is a really hard day where I am sad and spend the whole day thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I spend my fair share of time thinking but today ends up being a bit more different than that.

When my one year mark hit I was flooded with something unexpected. Letters. I had letters from all members of my family, from friends, from people who I didn’t even know. These letters were telling me things like how proud they were of me, how strong I was, how brave I was and gave me tips, advice, prayers, and scriptures in these beautiful and heartfelt cards. They all just let me know how loved I was. My family gave me the BEST thing they could give me to help me heal. A support system. That first year all the people I loved took me to dinner and made me smile and laugh and gave me new, happy memories to have on the 17th of May. They called today, Miquelle Day and it's been recognized every year since.

**I realize not all people have the luxury of a good support system and those are the people that i admire even more. Having to heal and learn alone takes strength and courage beyond the capacity I have and those people are a gift to the world.**

This year I have realized I don’t need my own holiday, I don’t need dinner or flowers regardless of if they come or not. They will always be loved and I will always have so much gratitude for them, but I don’t need them. Today isn’t about my own holiday. It’s about realizing how far I've come. It’s about taking care of myself. It’s about not defining every year after by what happened. It’s making new memories that will help dull the painful one you’ll think about every year. It’s about doing a self check to make sure you are healing right and making new goals for continuing your progress for the next year. Already it’s been super cool seeing my progress. I have done a post on facebook every year (however it was not public as to what about) and even the difference in those posts are mile markers.So today I have just taken the time to think of what being raped gave to my life. Yes, added. (It took things, I know, but I won’t focus on that. It won’t get me anywhere.)

Being raped gave me my voice.

I know that seems so odd because really rape takes your voice. But as I have coped and healed, I learned that I never really had a voice in the first place because I didn’t have the time to find it. In past relationships or “hook-up’s” I never called the shots, I never had the ideas and I never started any intimacy. I always agreed to it (up to my rape) but I never had a voice in saying opinions or anything. I learned that what I think, feel, and want matters and my voice IS good enough to express.

Being raped gave me confidence

I don’t have the best confidence, and I don’t love what i see in the mirror everyday. But that is getting better, and it is DEFINITELY better than it has ever been! I am growing to love who I am and who I am becoming.

Being raped gave me worth

It only gave this to me after it took it all. I had to learn how to get it all back but that’s the key. I had to LEARN to get it back. I had to work to see my worth through my saviors eyes. I had to work to see my worth to my parents. I had to work to see my worth from my friends and my family and I had to work to see my worth from myself. And like all things, when you have to work so hard...when you have to fight with every fiber of your being every day to gain something it does not easily disappear.

Being raped gave me an inner fight

This inner fight is my favorite thing I've had to take from this! I learned to fight for trust, fight for love, fight for faith, fight to ban fear, fight to smile, fight to laugh, fight to feel happy, fight to BE happy, fight to have relationships and fight to have a future! I LOVE that! Some days its hard and exhausting but I love that I get to fight for all of it. I get to be passionate and work hard and then i get to see the rewards from me working so hard and that is the best!!

So today and on this day every year i celebrate. Because I cannot be kept down. I fight for what I want and I can achieve it even if things happen to try and make me believe otherwise. I can rise up and I can do hard things. What was taken from me when I was raped is not a permanent settlement. I have come from the ashes and I am fighting daily because I am worth the fight. Rape isn’t going to keep me from living the life that my Heavenly Father wanted me to live because unlike what my attacker showed me, I am worth more than that!