Triggers and Flashbacks

I've been thinking a lot the past couple weeks. I have had a bit more down time then normal, and I have faced some things that I haven't had to face in quite some time. I feel like I have big decisions to make, and some decisions I've already made are becoming very relevant in my life at this moment. Along with that I have had some triggers that have resurfaced and some that have sprung new, out of some deep cracks. Turns out being raped really is something I will always have to fight. I have found that I am very grateful for that. I am grateful that I will always have something to keep me fighting and have something to keep me working and something that will always make me a better person. But because I have to work so hard, I thought that is what I would write about this time around. Triggers. I like to think of them as these small creatures lurking in the shadows. You can see them, you always know they are there. You know what will make them come out and taunt you. You know what will make them hiss and curse your name. But there is one thing I tend to fail to realize about them. They wear masks. And you believe the triggers only surface during expected moments...and they do. But when they take off their masks, they become a whole new type of creature with a whole new agenda and a whole new level of terror. They are two faced and maniacal and more times than not, plain out scary. They are also relentless. Just when I think I have worked hard enough to get them to crawl back into the hole where they came from...just when I think I have figured out what they look like with and without their masks...they change them. 

Right after I was raped, they were the normal triggers. Every time I saw one of the cars he drove-panic attack. Whenever someone would say something he used to say- panic attack. If someone quoted a movie he liked- panic attack. Oh we want to eat my favorite food, lasagna, that I have had more times than I am alive for dinner? Well he and I made that once so-panic attack. Within a realm of understanding those things seemed to make sense. Those things I could plan for. I could come up with coping mechanisms for the times I was driving and saw a car like his. I could plan ahead on how to distract myself when people would say things what would spark a painful memory. I learned how to become okay with any type of male touching me again. Those things were expected. Those thing were 'normal'. So what did I not expect? Shortly after everything happened, my mom bought me these cute, soft, fuzzy pajama pants... but because the material felt like the blanket that I was forced onto on top of his bed, I couldn't wear them. I instantly wasn't just triggered but had full fledged mental flashback that were completely paralyzing. I hadn't even recalled that there was a blanket before this! Why on earth would it all flood back in now when I just wanted to lounge around in a simple pair of pants?!

Another time was when I first started seriously dating the man who is now my wonderful husband. We would be fine...watching a movie, or sitting there talking, holding hands. He would move his hand (probably without even realizing it, or just to become more comfortable) and instantly I could feel and see my attackers hands on mine pinning me down. How does this trigger that reaction? It's not the same person or location or situation and I knew that. But something in the way his hand move shut me down. It was a trigger far worse than I could have prepared myself for. And those were only the beginning of them.

I still have to deal with them. And I hate it. There will be points (no matter how understanding he is) that Corey can't touch me..or when he has to wake me up because I am thrashing or crying in my sleep and then can never go back to sleep. I'll see someone with the same name as him on a reservation at the hotel and for a moment my heart will plunge into my stomach and cause my core temperature to rise. And I still can't watch one of my favorite animated movies because we used to laugh and quote one particular part together. It seems amazing to me that the mind and the body can hold on to even the smallest of things and that from there it can completely effect the way we live or go about our normal day to day activities. 

                                        So what exactly is a trigger? 

A trigger can also set off a memory tape or a flashback transporting the person back to the event of their original trauma. Triggers come differently for different people. Triggers are very personal. Different circumstances trigger different people. The survivor can start to avoid situations or avoid a stimuli that they think set off the flashback. They can react to the flashback trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A persons triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses. (sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste). I found that when I could easier recognize how I was triggered the easier of a time I could process and handle these triggers. These are how some of them surface.

Sight

• Often someone who resembles the abuser or who has similar traits or objects. For me this could even have been or was something as simple as their clothing, hair color, or the way they walked
• Any situation where some else is being abused. This could be ANY type of abuse including just a side verbal comment. I experienced this when I started a new job. I was starting as an activities aide for a nursing home. In our orientation there were videos exploiting scenarios where your actions were abuse to one of the residents. They varied from mild (no there is no lesser evil of abuse, all is bad, I just mean mild to my triggers) to severe where a scene was depicting rape. I no long could focus in class and I had to excuse myself for the day and pray that they would understand and I could resume the course the next day. 
• The object that was used to abuse
• The objects that are associated with or were in common in the location where the abuse took place. These are things like alcohol, furniture, time of year. This fits my trigger with my pajama pants. 
• Any place or situation where the abuse took place. For me this was specific locations in a home, or holidays, family events and social settings.

Sound

• Anything that sounds like anger. Abuse regardless of how it happened is an angry act. There will be a set trigger when any form of anger is exposed. Sometimes this brought me to anger as well. 
• Anything that sounds like pain or fear. (like crying, whispering or screaming). This is not one that really triggered me first hand, but I met some wonderful women who struggled with this. 
• Anything that might have been in the place or situation prior to, during or after the abuse. This could be anything from sirens and foghorns to music, crickets chirping, or a car door closing. 
• Anything that resembles sounds that the abuser made. In my circumstance these were things like whistling, a door locking, and a specific tone of voice. 
• Words of abuse. These are things like cursing, labels, put-downs, and specific words or phrases used in the attack.

Smell

• Anything that resembles the smell of the abuser, like tobacco, alcohol, drugs, after-shave, perfume... For me it is more nit picky things like the smell of car grease. He was a mechanic so that was always a smell associated with him along with the cologne he used.
• Any smells that resemble the place or the situation where the abuse occurred. This could be food cooking, wood, any odors or alcohol

Touch

• Anything that resembles the abuse or things that occurred prior to or after the abuse. This is like a certain physical tough, someone standing too close, petting an animal, or the way someone approaches you.

Taste

• Anything that is related to the abuse or abuser prior to or after the abuse. The spectrum of this is huge. It can be so specific. Something that I don't mention a lot (because to people who don't get it, it's weird) is my distaste for Dasani water. I hate water all together but I will not drink a Dasani. The day I was raped and my friend took me to get a bottle of water and talk...it was Dasani brand. I can remember how it felt, what it tasted like and how it ran down my throat. It's not that I won't drink it, it's that I can't. My brain and my body was on overdrive and it remembered so many things and associated so many things with my abuse that if i drink a Dasani water it literally tastes bad. 

Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, bodily sensations, feelings, or a lack of them, like numbness. A flashback will almost always follow a trigger. During the initial crisis, a survivor has to insulate themself from the emotional and physical horror of the trauma. In order to survive, that insulated part of the self remained isolated, completely unable to express the feelings and thoughts of that time. It is as though the survivor put that part of themself into a time capsule, which later surfaces and comes our as a flashback, feeling just as intense in the present as it did during the crisis. When that part comes out, the survivor is experiencing the past as if it were happening today. The intense feelings and bodily sensations happening are scary because they are not related to the reality of the present time and many times they seem to come from no where. The survivor can sometimes think they are crazy. I myself was afraid to tell people when this was happening. You feel out of control and at the mercy of only your experiences. Flashbacks are so unsettling and feel really overwhelmed because you become so caught up in the trauma that you forget about the safety and security of the present moment. 

I have learned some ways to help me come down from a trigger or a flashback. 

1) I tell myself I was triggered and now I am having a flashback. This alone helps me become more grounded and realize what is going on around me. 

2)I remind myself that the worst is over...that the feelings I am experiencing are of those in the past. The actual event has already occurred and I am a survivor. 

3)I ground myself. No this does not mean I ban myself from leaving my bedroom :). This means I literally ground myself. I stomp my foot on the ground, reminding myself of where I am and that I have feet to move and get away if that is what I desire. 

4)Breathe. This one is so helpful for me. I learned some really helpful ways to breathe that connect my mind to my body and help me focus in on where I am and what I want to be thinking about. Breathing soothes my panic attacks and gets my heart rate down. 

5)Reorient myself to the present. This is where I bring in my 5 senses. What am I touching?Where am I...am I in my room, am I at work? What do I smell? What is around me...is the sky blue today or a dull overcast? What do I hear...is it my music in the car or traffic or my family downstairs? This can fully bring me back into a reality where I am safe.

6)I get support. This one was always hard for me to do. I have found how much it helps though. It is easier to do with Corey. He has made it so I am always okay to tell him what is going on and he has educated himself enough to help me. More times than not it is just him sitting next to me breathing in and out with me to calm me down. The support is so helpful. It helps me get through the process even if I want to be alone. 

7)Take time to recover. For me, the flashbacks don't always happen in the comfort of my own home where I can drop everything and go lay on my bed. Sometimes they happen at work and I can't just leave. I find simple things around it. If there is someone working with me, I will let them know I am going to use the restroom and I will just sit in there for 2 minutes. Sometimes I will offer to do the walk around just to make sure the hotel is clean. These help me focus on something else and give me just a moment to recoup. 

8)I honor my experience. I take just a second to remind myself that I survived this experience and that I am doing a good job. 

9)Be Patient. This is my hardest one. I am not patient or kind to myself. But I just remind myself that this is normal, that it takes time to heal and it takes time to be okay. 

10) AFTER I do all of that I change my thought process. I will pull out my phone and go through pictures to create happiness or restore some good memories or I will pull out my reading material or strike a conversation with a co-worker. I have to do this at the end though to be sure I confront what is happening in my mind and body first. 

Ultimately these things take time. Unfortunately, when you are raped not only do you lose a piece of yourself, but that hole is unwillingly filled with these triggers that will never go away. I still experience the same triggers today as I did the day after the rape in the police station. The only difference is the severity changed. Now it seems more of just a thought than a trigger. But it is a trigger. Something always sparks it. It just is a lot of work to get them to a point where they are manageable. And some aren't still. My nightmares will still keep me from going back to bed. Sometimes Corey knows he can't touch me and he can only just sit by me and wait. This is just part of the process of healing.
This is one of those times where I wish I could say (even for myself) that they will go away entirely one day. But to be honest I don't think they do. I think we just become more familiar with the masks these creatures wear and we understand when the mask is off that it will be harder to deal with. ..that when the mask comes off we have to work a little harder and fight a little faster to be okay.  There is this quote I have really liked lately...

When my triggers are flooding in more than normal and I feel like they are drowning me I tend to feel like I will never defeat this. This will always be a part of me and it will always define a piece of me. But that will NEVER be the case. It was something that happened TO me not something it made me. I choose to rise above this and I chose to be something great. I choose to become that person that if my rapist ever sees again he will know you can not defeat me. He will know I am a better person than when he raped me and he will know that I choose to rise above, be great, and have hope the quiet fight :)