Why bother to post it, if it just for me? Well, when I started this blog I promised honesty. This is me just keeping that promise.
Overall I have made a lot of progress. I have become really good and seeing what still hurts and what being rape has really screwed up and turning that into something positive or healing from it. But man, I tell you, some days a different picture is painted. Some days I wanna scream at everyone and everything letting the world know how I really feel.
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"
"THIS IS NOT FAIR"
"YOU TOOK MORE FROM ME THAT JUST SEX"
"I AM SO SICK OF TRYING TO BE BRAVE AND STRONG"
"THIS HURTS AND I AM HURT"
"THE WORLD SUCKS AND I DONT WANT TO DO IT TODAY"
Turns out most of the time that isn't acceptable;). I have to do things like go to work, make dinner for the hubby and myself, walk my dogs, clean my house, do laundry, visit family, go to church, and some days fake a smile that, on occasion, is more than I can handle.
but let me tell you something. I realized that survivors who are in a good enough place to help others be strong, can't be strong every day. Days like today I listen to a lot of 'moody' music. Some people hear loud noise, I hear something I can relate to on such a deep level. Regardless what the songs were actually written about I connect to them as if they were written for me.
If any of you care, some of them are:
(Sorry if there is language in these that bother you)
The Best of Me-ADTR
Remember Everything-FFDP
Coming Down-FFDP
Make It Stop-Rise Against
Guts Over Fear-Eminem
The Downfall Of Us All-ADTR
You know, there's a common misconception. And it is... that within a certain amount of time after your rape it shouldn't or doesn't effect you.
False! It does. Probably not as bad as it did the day or week or month after but it does, okay? Something that drastic and that traumatizing sticks with you. So I don't have as many flashbacks and night terrors. But guess what? The horrible one I had 2 weeks ago that woke my husband up in the middle of the night was unexpected and un-triggered. I felt fine that day when I woke up, I felt fine when I got home from work and when I went to bed. It just happened.
Sometimes pieces you forgot come back. There is a specific genre of TV that I hate and it makes me sick...because 'F Word' (yep, that's what I call him...we will refer to it as a coping mechanism to make it acceptable :P) liked those shows. Corey likes some of those shows. Its not a bad thing and he watches them when I am not home. One time he had one on as I walked in the door and I had a complete and total flashback and full blown panic attack. That exact show was the one that was playing while I was being raped. Never remembered that until then. In fact the detectives asked if I could remember what was on the TV I couldn't remember. Just knew that the TV was on.
My heart STILL skips a beat when I see the type of car he drove.
Unfortunately his name is one used when you are reading a word or name off to someone and have to say something like 'B as in boy" for the letter. I work at a hotel so I hear it on a daily basis. Still makes my stomach turn.
During anything physical with Corey, even just cuddling, my arms always have to be able to move. If they are restricted at all it literally makes my heart race and sends my insides into a panic more quickly than I've ever experienced before.
Derogative words that are used in some peoples everyday language that I work with bother me. Not necessarily because they are words I don't like but because that were used towards me when I didn't have a voice.
Certain music and movies leave a bad taste in my mouth. Ones that are common and quoted and sung a lot. I have not seen one of my favorite animated movies since I was raped...its just not worth it.
So I can have bad days. Any survivor can. I choose to work really hard so that when I have really bad days, I can let myself feel it and sit in it for a day. Just a day.
Then the next morning I get up and fight like hell all over again.
