The other day I was having a conversation with someone I have gotten to know pretty well. We were just carrying on in a normal chit-chat type conversation. I am unaware of how the topic we were on gave me the introduction into mentioning my blog, but I did. This person asked what my blog was for. I am assuming they thought it was a blog of some personal rants, recipes or pictures and stories of my married life. (All of which I wish I could fulfill, however couldn't and I would become repetitious and boring). When I told them it was a blog at a standpoint of a rape survivor, their whole body language and facial dynamic changed. As soon as I said the word 'rape' they became INSTANTLY uncomfortable. They folded their arms and even physically took a step backwards. Was it because I made them uncomfortable? No. Was it because I was gross and tainted now that they knew I was raped? No.
"Isn't 'society' comfortable with telling people around them they had a first kiss?'
"Isn't sex in every other PG-13 movie?"
"Don't we hear others talk about people and people's bodies in a derogative manner and just let it be because its 'just the way people talk?"
So after this person agreed to those questions, saying yes that is the norm, I asked them one more question. And it is the same question that I will pose to my family, and my community, and society as a whole.
If all of that is okay to talk about in a casual conversation, why is it not okay for me to tell someone I was raped?
It makes you uncomfortable?
Imagine how uncomfortable the victim/survivor felt as they begged for their attacker to stop.
That's uncomfortable.
It makes you embarrassed to be heard talking about it?
Imagine how embarrassing it was for the survivor to tell 15 different people the same thing in one night, and answering a hundred personal and invasive questions, while some doctor you've never met before has his hands in places you never want touched again, and is taking pictures of you naked for evidence.
That's embarrassing.
It makes you question survivors stories in disbelief?
Imagine being a parent to a child that had to come to you and say "Mom/Dad I tried to stop them but they wouldn't stop". Be that parent that has to drive their in shock kid to the hospital to talk to doctors and police and specialists about things you never wanted to hear uttered from their lips. Be the parent that has to try and help their kid be okay, all while not being okay yourself because there was nothing you could do to stop it... and now you have to watch them lay there and cry in pain and anguish.
That's Disbelief.
It doesn't happen if we don't bring attention to it?
Tell that to your sister, friend, daughter, niece, mother, or wife. 1 in 6 women are raped. That means approx. 569,676,563 women in the world have been raped or sexually assaulted in the course of their lifetime.
It's Happening Now.
You don't think we have a rape problem?
Imagine it happening to you. And you can't stop it and you can't run away. In America someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.
Now it's a problem, isn't it?
The sooner society stops making excuses on why we can't talk about it, the sooner we can start putting an end to it and lower these sickening statistics. We are so quick to ranting, and posting, and talking about stupid drivers, stalker clowns, a joke for a presidential election, cost fluctuation, and people who offend us. Why are we putting sexual assault and rape on the back burner compared to those when it is a real problem...a huge problem.
Being comfortable with it isn't going to happen overnight. You won't go to bed saying tomorrow I am going to shout out awareness to every end of my town and then wake up in the morning running out the door to do it. But it starts with simple things.
For example, RAINN has a Petition to the next president of the United States stating if they promise to make sexual violence a top priority, you promise to do anything you can to help. That's an easy step. Sign it. Right then you have made an impact and made a step in spreading awareness.
Other easy ideas are to follow some social media pages promoting sexual assault awareness. They will educate you on the issues attached with rape and also occasionally post ideas and options for you to make a difference.
However, the most important way you can start is by believing it is a problem and not ducking for cover any time the word rape gets brought up. If I have learned anything in my process to healing, its been that talking to other people who try to understand and support me has made more of a difference than all my therapy appointments, police visits and crying combined. There is a really special and unique power in people coming together to love, support, and believe a survivor. They can change and put a survivors life back together when the survivor can't even see a future for one. They can reinstate peace and love and a sense of security. They can help them believe in trust and intimacy and love again. They can heal sorrow and pain and heartache!
If you have legitimately never been informed or made aware of rape culture it's not too late to start. I think I learned the hard way ;)... but I am so glad that I am aware so I am able to be informed enough to talk to other people who have been through the same thing, and help make people aware of the issue.
My husband was one of those people who didn't think it was an issue, simply because he was never informed that it happens. People are abused and people are raped. Now was it a horrible thing that he wasn't? No, people don't necessarily want to sit their children down and tell them such dark things. But I can only imagine how hard it was for him on that day when we sat down and I told him I was raped. He had no prior knowledge of it and didn't know how to act or respond. He just knew that something horrible had happened to this person that he loved and cared so deeply for. All of a sudden he could see where my walls and barriers and fears came from but had no knowledge of why they were there because he did not understand the severity of what it does to you mentally, physically and emotionally. He never thought his wife would be a survivor of rape because he did not understand, sadly, how common it has become. I am sure it would have been 90% easier (not for him to deal with because that will always be a shock to find out it happened to someone you love) for him to understand and cope with the knowledge of it with a previous understanding of rape culture.
My husband was one of those people who didn't think it was an issue, simply because he was never informed that it happens. People are abused and people are raped. Now was it a horrible thing that he wasn't? No, people don't necessarily want to sit their children down and tell them such dark things. But I can only imagine how hard it was for him on that day when we sat down and I told him I was raped. He had no prior knowledge of it and didn't know how to act or respond. He just knew that something horrible had happened to this person that he loved and cared so deeply for. All of a sudden he could see where my walls and barriers and fears came from but had no knowledge of why they were there because he did not understand the severity of what it does to you mentally, physically and emotionally. He never thought his wife would be a survivor of rape because he did not understand, sadly, how common it has become. I am sure it would have been 90% easier (not for him to deal with because that will always be a shock to find out it happened to someone you love) for him to understand and cope with the knowledge of it with a previous understanding of rape culture.
On the other hand of this all I again am so immensely grateful and blessed to be able to be a voice for those who had theirs temporarily taken. I am so overwhelmed with humility as people use what I have to say (or rant) about to fill what they need to voice. I am grateful that my experiences have led me here. I know that without them I would be one of those people that was misinformed or not informed at all of how common rape is.
Thank you to everyone that is
choosing to speak up
and make this quiet fight a bit louder.
