The world changes so much. With each year we have new technology, new developments and inventions and new methods of doing things that we have done for decades. So many amazing things come with change and with adaptation. We have changed the way we look, how we dress, how we think, how we believe and how we see the world. Our hobbies and our entertainment have exponentially grown and we are capable of more now then we have ever been. It truly is incredibly remarkable. However, Some of those changes, I believe, have become skewed so drastically we no longer have their meaningful intentions in mind. One of those changes is our idea of relationships and our idea of romance.
This past month, I had a talk with someone who is extremely dear to my heart. She and this guy had been flirting with each other over a short period of time and when a moment came when they were alone, they got close and began kissing. For my friend, she wasn't 100% in it. More just going through the motions. But a main problem is she did not want to say no to him. She didn't want to hurt his feelings and she didn't want things to become uncomfortable and awkward. So she kissed him. Not a huge deal right? Well it came to a point where kissing became the uncomfortable part. When her and I were talking about this she said something to me that has more than resonated with me.
She said "I was afraid to keep kissing him and I shouldn't have been afraid...for the first time in my life I was scared that he wasn't going to stop."
Now listen. There are so many things we could discuss in this to change the situation. Things that all of us are learning from. We could go into things like 'don't be fearful and stand up for yourself...respect yourself enough to say I don't want to kiss you...or hey buddy knock it off your freaking me out. But that is not the main issue here!
The issue is HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED HER FIRST IF HE COULD KISS HER. He should have said "Hey *insert name here* I really would like to kiss you now." or "Can I kiss you now?" Then regardless of how it started it would have given her the opportunity to openly say how she feels and make her feel like she is more worth while than a good make out session. This doesn't come down to anything other than having respect the person you are intimate with.
So this is what I am proposing.
I am proposing a new kind of romance.
Something that I learned to love and become undoubtedly grateful for was how much respect my husband, Corey, showed (and still shows) to me. When we were dating he always asked if he could scoot in, if he could hold my hand, if he could kiss me, if I was doing okay, or if something was too much. Yes, some of that could have been because I told him I was raped because there were things that were triggering to me, but overall that is just the type of person he is. And the truth of the matter is, it shouldn't take someone telling you they were assaulted for you to think about those kinds of things. They should just happen. I know that the new norm is different. Youngling's don't really date, they 'hang out' or 'hook up' or 'Netflix and chill'. (This is not applicable to everyone, but just the most common thing I see around me and with my younger siblings high school stories)
This makes me think of a quote from one of my favorite movies. The movie provides a very comedic relief to life (and maybe to the subject) but, wow, does it ring true!
"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
-Emma Stone, "Easy A"
YES! Somehow that has dissipated from reality, and mutual (genuine) love and respect overall has been taken from intimacy and relationships. Somehow we have become so misguided as to what a real relationship is. Somehow we have allowed respect to be taken from our involvement with others, and by that we have allowed ourselves to be treated poorly and inadequately.
When I was in college I was really struggling with my depression. I was crashing at a very intense rate. I started skipping classes and didn't really go out of my room at all. When I did it was to a friends apartment in random buildings as well as my own building. Usually there were weird "parties" and weird people both male and female.
I wish so badly that I loved and respected myself enough to know that I deserved better.
I wish that I would have known I am good enough to speak up and tell some of these men no I don't want to kiss you.
And I wish that they would have respected me enough to ask me if they could.
But I didn't.
And they didn't.
And where as I never had sex with them, I kissed and made out with a lot of people when in my head I didn't want to. In my head I was saying 'tell them no' and in my head I was hating every minute of it....and yet, loving it at the same time because I didn't feel I was good enough to deserve any better. And because of that I have a long list of people I've kissed, not remembering half their names, and my husband has one name on his list...me.
Pretty soon when I started gaining the courage and self respect to tell them I didn't just want to lay here and kiss them but then it didn't matter because I had done this with the same 3 people for the past 3 weekends. Then pretty soon it went from something I could control and chose not to, and turned into something that was in their control because my voice no longer mattered.
Now I am not really ashamed. I know that I learned a lot since then and I have grown and strengthened myself, slowly becoming something great and worth while. But how much of a difference would it have made if I cared enough about the person I was and if the people I was with cared about the person I was? When did we as a population stop respecting each other? Why is chivalry no longer required? I am telling you! People deserve more than that!
YOU deserve more than that!
After I was raped anything intimate or physical scared the living daylights out of me so that stopped me from choosing to keep living the type of life that let people use me for a physical gratification. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my rape to make me stop and think and heal and realize my worth.
My friend that I mentioned earlier is one of the most incredible human beings I've ever had the joy of knowing. She is constantly amazing me with her strength and courage and stamina to do what she feels is best for her. She has come such a long way and I know that she will keep growing into loving herself and respecting herself. But, that man should have respected her. Just as those men when I was in college should have respected me. And really when it comes down to it doesn't matter who did what first. Respect is respect. Chivalry is chivalry. Without it what kind of a society are we? What kind of message are we saying to our friends, our families and our loved ones? How much would the percentage of sexual assaults decrease if we all male and female respected one another? This concept has completely baffled my mind for weeks. It is literally so simple.
Unfortunately there will always be rotten people out there who will rape and abuse and tear other people down. My rapist sadly is probably one of those people. I guess I am just so disheartened to hear of all the good and wonderful people be taken advantage of just because the other person simply chose not to see how great they really are.
So guess what? In reality my proposition isn't new. It is new to some and to a newer generation but it's not new. Unlike any other growth our world provides I say we take a step back on this one. I say we revert back to old ways and ask to kiss or be kissed. Take them out on a date. Show you care about them as a person and not just adding another notch on your physical belt.
All of the victims and survivors of abuse and rape are so courageous in banding together as a community of love and support. Every day I will be more and more grateful for that because I know every day someone has my back. Someone will remind me it wasn't my fault and someone will remind me of my worth as a person, as a woman, and as a daughter of my Father in Heaven.
Our quiet fight is getting louder! People are taking a stand and people are speaking up and that, is pretty remarkable.
Remember your worth.
Remember the worth of others.
Keep on fighting.
