Rape
Sex
Abuse
Menstruation
Abortion
Lactate
Pregnant Bride
Gay
Circumcision
Breast Feeding
Suicide
**Trigger Warning**
Did any of those words make you uncomfortable? Yes? That's okay, you are just one of the 70%-90% (based on specific topic) who are bothered by even the mention of one of these taboos. If none of these bothered you, then great! To me you are one step ahead.
Why do we allow these words to bother us as a society to a point where they become a taboo? Most of these we can't even talk about in public without hearing "Shh! Don't say that so loud" or "Wow, they are doing that HERE of all places?!". And that's excluding all of the countless thoughts and judgements we place in our own minds at one point or another ( no one is exempt from that one ).
Here is my standpoint on Taboos as a generalization. You do not have to agree or believe said taboo is acceptable. In fact you could loathe the idea of it all together. BUT it becomes unacceptable, when talking about it forefronts as an issue. We should never be or feel voided to talk about serious cultural issues because we do not condone them. For example: I am against abortion. I believe a baby should be carried and delivered to full term (unless it is from rape or the mother is at high risk-but that is another rant). Whenever a topic like abortion comes to light, so do the arguments and controversies. That will not stop me from talking about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable or I am afraid of what my friends will think of me. In my public speaking class in college we had to speak on a controversial topic in front of the class to become comfortable with taboos and to hear feedback from others who may not agree with our point of view. I chose abortion. I chose this fully knowing my good friend, who was also in the class with me did not agree with my side of things and believes a woman has a right to do what she wants. This did not stop me from giving my speech. This did not stop me from making it raw and factual and emotional. Expressing what I felt did not step aside when I got the response sheets from the class, and in my hand were sheets front and back of reasons why I was wrong. AND it did not stop me from being friends with that person.
I believe, like I have stated before, that discussing the issue is positive and necessary to bring awareness if we want it to stop/change. I also believe (or am learning to believe) there is no shame in talking about these cultural taboos.
Let's touch on one of those taboos, shall we? Lets pick...suicide. There are so many opinions of what suicide looks like, what it stems from, and why people do it. Most of those stipulations are incorrect. There is a show that Netflix put out ( I am sure many of you have heard of it) called "13 Reasons Why". Now, for obvious reasons I will not watch it. I have done a lot of reading about details of the show and can honestly say no matter what place I am at in life, I will probably never watch it. That is a personal preference. I also am not going to go into reasons why I disagree with it or think that it is ill fitting for an accurate description on what mental illness is. Long story short, this girl was bullied, assaulted and mocked to the point where she thought she had no other option, and sending message to the people who were to blame for her death. That certainly can be one of the many reasons that a person, sadly enough, contemplates or succeeds with taking their own life.
I want to break down another side though....one that hits a little closer to home...one that shows 1 way of how suicide becomes what it is... a last option.
This girl has a good life. She has had some hard things happen to her but nothing she has not been able to bounce back from. She has a loving family, supportive parents and in-laws, a wonderful spouse, a full time job she loves and thrives in, a working car, a beautiful home in a safe neighborhood, a faith she is devoted to, lives in a state she loves, and has a best friend always a phone call away.
Despite all of those things this girl really struggles with her self worth. But who doesn't, right? Every woman does. Some days for her are better than others. But, she learns, lives, goes to therapy, and copes....Or seems like she is coping.
She is battling something in her head that she doesn't talk about. She wants people to think she is okay and she doesn't want people to stop relying on her for even one minute. She doesn't want to seem weak or cause problems and worry for others. So she battles in silence.
Its not a very big battle. It can't be seen by any mind other than her own and its easily brushed under a cute little rug she designed in her own subconscious. She struggles with Major Depression and severe Anxiety. She doesn't let it stop her from being an employee, a spouse, a sibling, a daughter, or a friend. But every morning her alarm goes off and the very first thing that comes to the forefront of her mind is "I just want to die". She spends the next 15+ minutes telling her body to get out of bed in every way she knows how, using all kinds of consequences as examples for not doing so. Most mornings it works and she is able to get up and throw herself into a morbidly hot shower through a stream of tears from a mental discomfort she cant put her finger on. As she gets ready with her upbeat music she is able to shove that feeling just a bit deeper to where it wont effect her work day. As she walks outside to her car she hopes someone will mug her at gunpoint, just so she can refuse only to have the maniac pull the trigger.
No maniac awaits.
So, she gets into her car and turns on her favorite song (for the time being) and sings along while driving to work. She smiles at other drivers and waves at people walking down the street. But, behind that smile is the wish someone will crash their car into hers, sending her through the windshield. That's why she doesn't buckle.
No car crashes into hers.
So, she keeps driving. This time she is resisting the temptation to put the gas petal to the floor and drive her car off the road, aiming for the sturdiest object that she knows will get the job done.
She is able to resist that urge.
So, she arrives at work and does her job above and beyond. She laughs with her co-workers and talks with her boss. She is loved there and she knows it. When she goes home she goes through the same process in reverse as she did when driving to work.
Somehow she makes it home. She knows she is struggling, and the thought of it sends her into a huge panic attack. She collapses on her kitchen floor sobbing, and feeling like the room doesn't have enough air to fill her lungs. Her spouse tries to comfort her but every time she is touched it becomes worse. In the midst of a panic attack she feels 100% hopeless. Her panic violently shoves all ration and logic out the window. She is left to wait until her immensely racing mind can coast to a stop. Once it does she is left feeling bland and exhausted. She sleeps the rest of the day. She wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. When she crawls back into bed she can't sleep. 30 minutes...1 hour....2 hours pass by and she lays there restless with a racing mind. It's too late to take anything to make her sleep, she wakes up for work in 3 hours. Finally she falls asleep and 20 minutes later her alarm goes off to start a new day. It's a new day outside but it's not new to her. She wakes up with the same thought she had when she woke the morning before. By the time she gets herself up she's late and has to skip a shower. But that doesn't stop her from falling into the lull that her mind creates.
No Maniac.
No car crash.
Resist urge.
All again.
This time, when she gets home she doesn't have any energy or motivation. Its not just a 'lazy day' feel. Its complete and utter exhaustion. Except she hasn't done anything to give her body a reason to be exhausted....oh, other than her mind literally running rapid in its pathetic self paved bumpy streets all day long. She stays up so she can sleep this time. 9pm hits, and she crawls into bed. She is so ready to close her eyes and fall asleep. 2am comes and goes and she is wide awake. She is beyond tired and wants with every fiber of her being to sleep. Her mind doesn't let her.
Her alarm goes off.
Notice a pattern?
Now, she is tired on top of her struggle, so everything feels worse than it is. She knows how to start feeling better. She does what people tell her to do. She tries to serve people. She does her best with her church callings, she thinks of how loved she is by her Heavenly Father and her family. She can feel it. She knows she is.
It doesn't work.
She is at the end of her rope. She finally has a plan. She knows how to feel better. She knows how to make it stop; and that is by forcing her existence to stop. She knows it will hurt people. But she won't hurt anymore. And that is worth it. You see, its not just a week that this self degenerating cycle went on. We are talking months and months. Then there would be a small break and then months and months of dealing again. She was done. She was not going through this cycle again. It's too much. People would heal from her dying. She wouldn't until she died.
Once people find out she is as bad as she is, they admit her. Soon she is in a hospital full of people she doesn't know with only one thing in common. They tried to die too. She will stay for a week before she is released. Her spouse will call family and her boss at work to tell them what is going on. Some could understand how it got to this point. Others, like her boss, will be totally mind blown on how she would do something like that when she was just at work 5 hours earlier smiling and doing her job wonderfully. Some people will never know and just assume she was MIA for a couple days. Some won't even notice she was away for a small time.
What if I told you that no matter what you said, did, or tried, there was nothing you could do?
Would that make you think differently about suicide being a taboo? Probably not.
What if I told you that wasn't just a story?
What if I told you that on March 1st 2017 I was the one admitted?
Maybe now that changes things a bit.
Suicide shouldn't be a taboo. Just like rape shouldn't.These are REAL things that happen to REAL people.
The other side of this is, you don't know what kind of shoes people are having to walk in. It goes to show there is always room for improvement and no one is perfect or perfectly healed. Most of this dark stuff doesn't stem from my rape. Yes, it definitely and obviously contributes to it but rape is not the reason I was suicidal. This is another issue on top of what I already face. Thankfully I am in a good place now. I am on medications that are improving my mood, my sleep, AND my dreams. I am not having reoccurring nightmares of rape nightly! I am going to weekly therapy and monthly psychiatrist appointments. I am once again improving.
I wonder however, if I wasn't so fearful to talk about where I was at, how that would have changed things. I wonder if I would have allowed myself (because no one else can change that or do it for me) to open up more to my mom or my husband or my best friend how that would have effected my decisions. Maybe talking about these serious topics would change that for someone else.
The wonderful thing about it is, it will never hurt. It will never be a bad thing to discuss these types of issues openly, calmly, and with an open heart. Putting this out there is scary as hell for me. It's like I started my blog all over again, and my story is just getting out for the first time. I still worry about what people will think or say or do. I worry about who will trust me or believe in me or keep asking me to help them. I worry about the normal things coming to a halt because I am all the sudden fragile or too weak to handle it. I also worry that people will assume now that I am home from the hospital I am 100% okay and will freak if I have a bad day. I'm a mess :) WORRYING IS NORMAL! Worrying is okay! At this point I am just choosing to not let it control who I open up to because when I let worry control that, I also let it control my will to live. And when worry is in the drivers seat. She's a bitch :)
I am so grateful for the people around me who love me enough to help me through this new learning experience. I am grateful that we have people who study the mind, and medicine and are able to help people like me get my footing so I can progress on my own. I continue on not knowing why I go through all of these hard things and I'm only 25. I would be lying to you if I didn't say I'd give them back in a heartbeat. BUT I continue believing that after I go through these experiences I will be able to help someone else who is going through the same thing. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Remember. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I KNOW it won't feel like it some days but there are better options and brighter futures ahead. If you are feeling hopeless, talk to someone. It may not help you feel better but trust me, you will be grateful in the long run that someone knows. In the hospital I learned how important it is to tell people when you start to crash. Now my husband knows when i do A, B, and C, he needs to intervene or get me out more or check in with me to see where my head is at. I KNOW what complete hopelessness feels like. Remember that anxiety feeds off of those negative feelings and vice versa. If you can eliminate decrease one, the other will mend slightly, so you can come to a more mellow sense of awareness and reality.
I also know that some people aren't as blessed with good family and friends to talk to. That is a level that I won't understand. I understand the feeling of not feeling like I can go to them, but I don't understand not having them. Talk to the Lifeline. These aren't people who get paid to sit in a cubicle and take calls all day. These are people who love you and care for you and chances are they are people who have been in your shoes. Please, do everything you can to not feel like ending your life is the only option you have left. You are worth so much more than that. And you owe it to yourself after everything you've gone through to make it; and live a long, healthy, beautiful life!
I KNOW it won't feel like it some days but there are better options and brighter futures ahead. If you are feeling hopeless, talk to someone. It may not help you feel better but trust me, you will be grateful in the long run that someone knows. In the hospital I learned how important it is to tell people when you start to crash. Now my husband knows when i do A, B, and C, he needs to intervene or get me out more or check in with me to see where my head is at. I KNOW what complete hopelessness feels like. Remember that anxiety feeds off of those negative feelings and vice versa. If you can eliminate decrease one, the other will mend slightly, so you can come to a more mellow sense of awareness and reality.
I also know that some people aren't as blessed with good family and friends to talk to. That is a level that I won't understand. I understand the feeling of not feeling like I can go to them, but I don't understand not having them. Talk to the Lifeline. These aren't people who get paid to sit in a cubicle and take calls all day. These are people who love you and care for you and chances are they are people who have been in your shoes. Please, do everything you can to not feel like ending your life is the only option you have left. You are worth so much more than that. And you owe it to yourself after everything you've gone through to make it; and live a long, healthy, beautiful life!
