When I got raped, my case didn't hold up long enough for it to even be able to consider a trial. I was ready to do it if that is what was needed. I was told I essentially I would go through it for nothing, because he wasn't going to be guilty. It made me really mad then. But now, it infuriates me. I am not mad for the sole purpose of revenge, but because one of my greatest fears is that some girl, clueless like me, will fall into the same trap. I am terrified he will rape another girl. There are, I am sure, more than one or two deciding factors in why he would never get charged with Rape. But from my experience, in my case, there was one that ultimately decided his fate.
I DID NOT ACT OR RESPOND HOW SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT RAPED SHOULD HAVE ACTED OR RESPONDED.
Point blank.
So what do they want to see? What does a judge and a jury and a detective or a cop and a family member or a doctor need to be able to start locking the people who commit this horrid of a crime up?
Well, lets look at how my rape SHOULD have gone.
*The following experience is a satire written to make a point and are not the actual details of my personal story*
When he broke up with me, I ended it entirely. I completely cut him off all together and let him know I did not want anything to do with him again for the rest of my life. The previous friendship now became nothing to me and i severed it. But it didn't work. He kept calling and texting and asking me to spend time with him. He asked me if I would come to his house to see his family and just have a good time hanging out. I said no and that made him mad.
I went about the rest of my day, going on my nightly walk with 3 neighbors (2 of those were men because that made me safer) and 2 dogs (again for added protection). I definitely never went anywhere alone because I didn't want it to seem like I was asking for something bad to happen. I was wearing long baggy pants and an over sized hoodie. I was really careful to make sure that nothing I was wearing was too revealing because I didn't want to give off that look of "I'm easy". I made sure to only have water in my system because when I gave yes or no responses to the company I was with, they would understand yes was yes and no was no.
Then out of nowhere a dark car showed up and just like that I was kidnapped. I heard the neighbors I was with screaming and then everything went black. The next thing I remember was waking up to a severe headache and blurry vision. I made sure to spend enough time as I was regaining my vision to pull out every detail of my surroundings, because my adrenaline is really good and pin pointing very specific details in an intense crisis. I knew what he was wearing what show I heard in the background...and I knew what to do next as I saw him coming at me with a look in his eye that no amount of persuasion would change.
As he pinned me down to pull off my clothes I used my first instinct. To scream. This came so easy because I had told myself before if anything like this happened that is what I would do. Naturally my brain retained this information because I didn't stop screaming. And even though he told me to shut up and hit me every time I yelled or told him to stop I didn't stop. When I was paying attention to details in the room I noticed a small camera on the desk. He was filming this. I thought to myself "this is good because this will help lock him away."
When he was finished with me I pushed him aside running out the door out of the apartment complex and I didn't stop running until I had reach a location to call my parents. I told them everything that happened all at once. I knew in an instant I wasn't dirty. I wasn't scared or hurt (mentally or physically) and I knew I was going to be okay. My mind was clear and I could fully process what happened to me and what I needed to do next. I immediately went to the police, not stopping at home to breathe, get some water or shower.
I went to the police and with ease told them everything.
The evidence was enough to detain him for questioning and once they knew of and found the video footage that was it. I was able to testify and he was locked away as a rapist. I was told I handled everything perfectly and if I hadn't it wouldn't have made as clear of a case.
I was so grateful for my mind and body reacting in a normal matter to make sure that I didn't have any guilt or shame or PTSD after. I was able to go back to a normal way of living. Nothing changed. I just got to lock another bad person away.
The End.
*
WHY is this what people want to hear and see?
WHY is there only 1 way that victims of rape should react.
WHY does it matter how they dressed, who they spent time with,
or what the ate or drank the day it happened?
Why couldn't the bruises in the forming the shape of his hands on my chest be enough?
WHY is putting a person away dependent on how you behaved after you were beaten, violated, yelled at, shamed, defeated...after YOU WERE RAPED?! You were used, and tossed aside like an old rag and all those other things matter?!
(sketch I drew showing how a survivor feels after rape)
To me this is the biggest issue in the world not understanding rape culture. I don't know how or why or where the world came up with the ideal that there is one scenario in which a person is "actually" raped and the rest are no good. No one asks to be raped based on their clothes, their friends, their extra curricular activities or their general way of living their life.
If you did not say "I want you to touch me", "Yes I want to have sex" or "remove my clothes" It is sexual assault or rape. If at any moment you say "no" or "stop" it is then sexual assault or rape. THIS IS BASIC HUMAN KNOWLEDGE!! It has always been this way, so why in the hell do people think its different now? Do we get too offended? Too entitled? Maybe too caught up in this shouldn't or won't happen to me?
THIS is the aspect that needs to educate people on rape. Its as simple as black and white. Rape is rape.
There is no perfect victim.
That doesn't exist.
There is no right or wrong way to handle it.
I wish so badly that people who are victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault could know that from the get go. It took me so long to learn that I didn't handle my situation the wrong way. Did I handle it how people with preconceived notions thought I should handle it? Did I handle it how I thought I would handle it? NO! I stated this in my first post. I got into the car with the creep! I let him drive me home. It doesn't make sense to the outside world. But after going though something horrific and traumatizing and way too real that is one thing that made sense. Act normal (because all your normal was just ripped from you) and get home to your family and your safe place. That is what I needed to make it.
Yes, some will react like the "perfect" story. Some will fight their way out and some flea. Fight or flight. They don't call it "wrong or right" Neither is wrong. What is wrong is the person who raped you not caring for the fact that you are a human being.So what can we do? Talk about it! Let people know THE only wrong decision made in a situation of rape is the decision the perpetrator made to rape. Its hard, but share your stories with your family and friends. I know not everyone I knew thought I did the right thing at first either. But I talked with them, educated them and showed them it isn't all the same scenario every time. It won't work 100% but the best way to change the minds of the world is to have the people who understand it best, be the one to educate. Its a big project to take on. Sometimes I think, I gave enough, I've had enough taken from me, I shouldn't have to be one that puts myself out there more to let people know something needs to change. But slowly I have realized the impact I can make in the lives of others and I am more than honored to help pave the way for a different way of thinking.
I continue to hope that one day this fight will no longer be quiet..that it will be loud and clear and united among all types of people.
