Five years ago today was the day I was raped.
Normally you would think that today is a really hard day where I am sad and spend the whole day thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I spend my fair share of time thinking but today ends up being a bit more different than that.
When my one year mark hit I was flooded with something unexpected. Letters. I had letters from all members of my family, from friends, from people who I didn’t even know. These letters were telling me things like how proud they were of me, how strong I was, how brave I was and gave me tips, advice, prayers, and scriptures in these beautiful and heartfelt cards. They all just let me know how loved I was. My family gave me the BEST thing they could give me to help me heal. A support system. That first year all the people I loved took me to dinner and made me smile and laugh and gave me new, happy memories to have on the 17th of May. They called today, Miquelle Day and it's been recognized every year since.
**I realize not all people have the luxury of a good support system and those are the people that i admire even more. Having to heal and learn alone takes strength and courage beyond the capacity I have and those people are a gift to the world.**
This year I have realized I don’t need my own holiday, I don’t need dinner or flowers regardless of if they come or not. They will always be loved and I will always have so much gratitude for them, but I don’t need them. Today isn’t about my own holiday. It’s about realizing how far I've come. It’s about taking care of myself. It’s about not defining every year after by what happened. It’s making new memories that will help dull the painful one you’ll think about every year. It’s about doing a self check to make sure you are healing right and making new goals for continuing your progress for the next year. Already it’s been super cool seeing my progress. I have done a post on facebook every year (however it was not public as to what about) and even the difference in those posts are mile markers.So today I have just taken the time to think of what being raped gave to my life. Yes, added. (It took things, I know, but I won’t focus on that. It won’t get me anywhere.)
Being raped gave me my voice.
I know that seems so odd because really rape takes your voice. But as I have coped and healed, I learned that I never really had a voice in the first place because I didn’t have the time to find it. In past relationships or “hook-up’s” I never called the shots, I never had the ideas and I never started any intimacy. I always agreed to it (up to my rape) but I never had a voice in saying opinions or anything. I learned that what I think, feel, and want matters and my voice IS good enough to express.
Being raped gave me confidence
I don’t have the best confidence, and I don’t love what i see in the mirror everyday. But that is getting better, and it is DEFINITELY better than it has ever been! I am growing to love who I am and who I am becoming.
Being raped gave me worth
It only gave this to me after it took it all. I had to learn how to get it all back but that’s the key. I had to LEARN to get it back. I had to work to see my worth through my saviors eyes. I had to work to see my worth to my parents. I had to work to see my worth from my friends and my family and I had to work to see my worth from myself. And like all things, when you have to work so hard...when you have to fight with every fiber of your being every day to gain something it does not easily disappear.
Being raped gave me an inner fight
This inner fight is my favorite thing I've had to take from this! I learned to fight for trust, fight for love, fight for faith, fight to ban fear, fight to smile, fight to laugh, fight to feel happy, fight to BE happy, fight to have relationships and fight to have a future! I LOVE that! Some days its hard and exhausting but I love that I get to fight for all of it. I get to be passionate and work hard and then i get to see the rewards from me working so hard and that is the best!!
So today and on this day every year i celebrate. Because I cannot be kept down. I fight for what I want and I can achieve it even if things happen to try and make me believe otherwise. I can rise up and I can do hard things. What was taken from me when I was raped is not a permanent settlement. I have come from the ashes and I am fighting daily because I am worth the fight. Rape isn’t going to keep me from living the life that my Heavenly Father wanted me to live because unlike what my attacker showed me, I am worth more than that!
