I have been reflecting a lot lately. It helps that I took a small hiatus for myself to breathe and take a beat. As much as I LOVE my blog, talking about being raped (even if its indefinitely) is exhausting and takes a bit out of me. It kinda puts me in a weird funk for a couple days. Not a funk incapable of functioning or being happy but kind of like a dull fog over the front of my brain. It makes me think of it more times (than normal) on a daily basis and I just needed a breather from that for a bit of time. But since i’ve had all this time to think, what has really been on my mind is what kind of person I am. I’ve thought to myself, “if I were someone else, would I want to spend a whole day with Miquelle?” I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think i’m a total stick in the mud:). I have my days where I am sure no one wants to be around me because I am just grouchy and stuck in my own self pity. (Apologizes to Corey cause he kinda said he’d stick by me even when i’m bathing in self pity). But I think I am a decent human being..FAR from perfect but decent. I try to love others unconditionally, to be brave, to be obedient to my Father in Heaven, to speak kindly to and about others, I look for small opportunities to serve and I put my 110% into my work, whatever that work may be. I have opportunities every day to make me better and if i choose to handle those opportunities well, i succeed and become a little bit better of a person at the end of the day. But…
Would I be this person if i didn’t get raped? Would I be this person if i didn’t have to FIGHT every single day to breathe and to be okay? Would I be this person if I didn’t have to learn for myself to trust and to see good in the world? Would I be who I am if I lived a “normal” life free from abuse?
My conclusion?
No. I wouldn’t.
Now trust me I wish that I could have learned some “life lessons” in a different way. No one wakes up and says to themselves “Hey, I am glad that I got raped.” I could have definitely done my growing from different life experiences. But I didn’t. I learned how to do life from being raped. That’s a fact and it won’t change no matter how much time I spent thinking it would. Coming to terms with that brought a lot of negative things. Negative emotions, negative thought processes, negative habits, negative expectations...but slowly, one by one, I have learned how to alter those to be for my benefit. And that’s what I loved. I wasn’t taught that I can’t think that way. YOU CAN! You’re allowed to. You were raped. You have that right. But i love that i was taught to take all of those negatives and turn them into something to learn and grow from. I never have to be okay with what happened to me. It isn’t okay for someone to take what they took from me. But it is okay to take the bad and mold it into something beautiful. It may be a Picasso painting kind of beautiful, but nonetheless, beautiful and it has turned into something worthwhile.
And hey maybe this post is just for me. Maybe I need that reassurance that i’m okay, i’m doing okay at life and i will be okay from here on out. Maybe i just need a reminder that I am good and worthwhile and that getting raped doesn’t alter that. It took a lot but it didn’t make me less of a person. But rape did mold me.
Rape caused me to hate myself which taught me how to truly love who I am.
Rape caused me not to trust a soul on Earth which showed me how to develop my own boundaries and lines.
Rape caused me to hate. Hate everyone, and hate the world. Dark, enraged, hate..which drew me closer to God as I prayed for Charity
Rape caused me to believe I was damaged goods and no one would want me which in turn made me work to see and find a man who thought the world of me and will now spend eternity by my side.
Rape caused me to question my life, even my existence, and made me second guess my role on the Earth which turned me to have a purpose full of love and service.
Rape led me to believe I would always be depressed...that there was no light at the end of this tunnel that it placed me in, which, put a train on the tracks i never would have normally taken and it has greatly blessed my life by meeting the most incredible people.
Rape caused me to pull away from my family and friends which showed me the value of family and to not take it for granted.
Rape caused me to believe i was a victim, which guided me to see I am a survivor...a fighter...and a victor.
Like I said I know there were other ways I could have learned these things. There were easier ways and much more desirable ways. But I am grateful. Not that i was raped but, grateful that I learned what I did from it. I don’t think (for me) there was a better way because this made strong in what I believe. It made me strong in what I think. It made me strong in what I do or say.
It gave me strength.
...in ways I never imagined I could be strong.
Rape was/is not the end for me. And it isn’t the end for any other survivors. It can be defeated. It can be beaten. And with the continuous movements and organizations for awareness and stopping the silence, rape can be less and less of an issue everyday! Soon the fight won’t be quiet because the people around us will be educated enough to listen to and help survivors speak out!
