This is my "I just can't today" Post

This post is not a lot of things. It.'s not to make people say I am sorry. It's not to have people feel bad for me... and it's not to have people reassure me that I am doing a good job or that it'll get better. I love those things and I am grateful for the support. But that is not what I am looking for in this. Its an I am angry post. It's an I feel wronged and today I am gonna just be grumpy about it. It's a post that just lets me vent and think and get it all out to be done with it. That's it. It won't help anyone but me...and that's okay :)

Why bother to post it, if it just for me? Well, when I started this blog I promised honesty. This is me just keeping that promise.

Overall I have made a lot of progress. I have become really good and seeing what still hurts and what being rape has really screwed up and turning that into something positive or healing from it. But man, I tell you, some days a different picture is painted. Some days I wanna scream at everyone and everything letting the world know how I really feel.

"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"

"THIS IS NOT FAIR"

"YOU TOOK MORE FROM ME THAT JUST SEX"

"I AM SO SICK OF TRYING TO BE BRAVE AND STRONG"

"THIS HURTS AND I AM HURT"

"THE WORLD SUCKS AND I DONT WANT TO DO IT TODAY"

Turns out most of the time that isn't acceptable;). I have to do things like go to work, make dinner for the hubby and myself, walk my dogs, clean my house, do laundry, visit family, go to church, and some days fake a smile that, on occasion, is more than I can handle.

but let me tell you something. I realized that survivors who are in a good enough place to help others be strong, can't be strong every day. Days like today I listen to a lot of 'moody' music. Some people hear loud noise, I hear something I can relate to on such a deep level. Regardless what the songs were actually written about I connect to them as if they were written for me.

If any of you care, some of them are:
(Sorry if there is language in these that bother you)

The Best of Me-ADTR


Remember Everything-FFDP


Coming Down-FFDP


Make It Stop-Rise Against


Guts Over Fear-Eminem


The Downfall Of Us All-ADTR


You know, there's a common misconception. And it is... that within a certain amount of time after your rape it shouldn't or doesn't effect you.
False! It does. Probably not as bad as it did the day or week or month after but it does, okay? Something that drastic and that traumatizing sticks with you. So I don't have as many flashbacks and night terrors. But guess what? The horrible one I had 2 weeks ago that woke my husband up in the middle of the night was unexpected and un-triggered. I felt fine that day when I woke up, I felt fine when I got home from work and when I went to bed. It just happened.

Sometimes pieces you forgot come back. There is a specific genre of TV that I hate and it makes me sick...because 'F Word' (yep, that's what I call him...we will refer to it as a coping mechanism to make it acceptable :P) liked those shows. Corey likes some of those shows. Its not a bad thing and he watches them when I am not home. One time he had one on as I walked in the door and I had a complete and total flashback and full blown panic attack. That exact show was the one that was playing while I was being raped. Never remembered that until then. In fact the detectives asked if I could remember what was on the TV I couldn't remember. Just knew that the TV was on.

My heart STILL skips a beat when I see the type of car he drove.

Unfortunately his name is one used when you are reading a word or name off to someone and have to say something like 'B as in boy" for the letter. I work at a hotel so I hear it on a daily basis. Still makes my stomach turn.

During anything physical with Corey, even just cuddling, my arms always have to be able to move. If they are restricted at all it literally makes my heart race and sends my insides into a panic more quickly than I've ever experienced before.

Derogative words that are used in some peoples everyday language that I work with bother me. Not necessarily because they are words I don't like but because that were used towards me when I didn't have a voice.

Certain music and movies leave a bad taste in my mouth. Ones that are common and quoted and sung a lot. I have not seen one of my favorite animated movies since I was raped...its just not worth it.

So I can have bad days. Any survivor can. I choose to work really hard so that when I have really bad days, I can let myself feel it and sit in it for a day. Just a day. 
Then the next morning I get up and fight like hell all over again.

Rape Is Just Another Four Letter Word

 

The other day I was having a conversation with someone I have gotten to know pretty well. We were just carrying on in a normal chit-chat type conversation. I am unaware of how the topic we were on gave me the introduction into mentioning my blog, but I did. This person asked what my blog was for. I am assuming they thought it was a blog of some personal rants, recipes or pictures and stories of my married life. (All of which I wish I could fulfill, however couldn't and I would become repetitious and boring). When I told them it was a blog at a standpoint of a rape survivor, their whole body language and facial dynamic changed. As soon as I said the word 'rape' they became INSTANTLY uncomfortable. They folded their arms and even physically took a step backwards. Was it because I made them uncomfortable? No. Was it because I was gross and tainted now that they knew I was raped? No.

The word 'rape' itself sets off an allusion of discomfort and avoidance. This person then flat out asked why I would choose to be so open about something we shouldn't discuss in public so vocally and so bluntly. For me to say "I am a survivor of rape" is socially unacceptable. So I then asked this person in return why they thought that me talking about being raped was not okay to do. They couldn't really give a response so I asked a couple other questions. They were something like:

"Isn't 'society' comfortable with telling people around them they had a first kiss?'

 "Isn't sex in every other PG-13 movie?"

"Don't we hear others talk about people and people's bodies in a derogative manner and just let it be because its 'just the way people talk?"

So after this person agreed to those questions, saying yes that is the norm, I asked them one more question. And it is the same question that I will pose to my family, and my community, and society as a whole.
If all of that is okay to talk about in a casual conversation, why is it not okay for me to tell someone I was raped?

It makes you uncomfortable?
     Imagine how uncomfortable the victim/survivor felt as they begged for their attacker to stop.

That's uncomfortable.

It makes you embarrassed to be heard talking about it?
     Imagine how embarrassing it was for the survivor to tell 15 different people the same thing in one night, and answering a hundred personal and invasive questions, while some doctor you've never met before has his hands in places you never want touched again, and is taking pictures of you naked for evidence.

That's embarrassing.

It makes you question survivors stories in disbelief?

     Imagine being a parent to a child that had to come to you and say "Mom/Dad I tried to stop them but they wouldn't stop". Be that parent that has to drive their in shock kid to the hospital to talk to doctors and police and specialists about things you never wanted to hear uttered from their lips. Be the parent that has to try and help their kid be okay, all while not being okay yourself because there was nothing you could do to stop it... and now you have to watch them lay there and cry in pain and anguish.

That's Disbelief.

It doesn't happen if we don't bring attention to it?

     Tell that to your sister, friend, daughter, niece, mother, or wife. 1 in 6 women are raped. That means approx. 569,676,563 women in the world have been raped or sexually assaulted in the course of their lifetime. 

It's Happening Now.



You don't think we have a rape problem?

     Imagine it happening to you. And you can't stop it and you can't run away. In America someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.  

Now it's a problem, isn't it?

The sooner society stops making excuses on why we can't talk about it, the sooner we can start putting an end to it and lower these sickening statistics. We are so quick to ranting, and posting, and talking about stupid drivers, stalker clowns, a joke for a presidential election, cost fluctuation, and people who offend us. Why are we putting sexual assault and rape on the back burner compared to those when it is a real problem...a huge problem.

Being comfortable with it isn't going to happen overnight. You won't go to bed saying tomorrow I am going to shout out awareness to every end of my town and then wake up in the morning running out the door to do it. But it starts with simple things.

For example, RAINN has a Petition to the next president of the United States stating if they promise to make sexual violence a top priority, you promise to do anything you can to help. That's an easy step. Sign it. Right then you have made an impact and made a step in spreading awareness.

Other easy ideas are to follow some social media pages promoting sexual assault awareness. They will educate you on the issues attached with rape and also occasionally post ideas and options for you to make a difference. 

However, the most important way you can start is by believing it is a problem and not ducking for cover any time the word rape gets brought up. If I have learned anything in my process to healing, its been that talking to other people who try to understand and support me has made more of a difference than all my therapy appointments, police visits and crying combined. There is a really special and unique power in people coming together to love, support, and believe a survivor. They can change and put a survivors life back together when the survivor can't even see a future for one. They can reinstate peace and love and a sense of security. They can help them believe in trust and intimacy and love again. They can heal sorrow and pain and heartache!

If you have legitimately never been informed or made aware of rape culture it's not too late to start. I think I learned the hard way ;)... but I am so glad that I am aware so I am able to be informed enough to talk to other people who have been through the same thing, and help make people aware of the issue.
My husband was one of those people who didn't think it was an issue, simply because he was never informed that it happens. People are abused and people are raped. Now was it a horrible thing that he wasn't? No, people don't necessarily want to sit their children down and tell them such dark things. But I can only imagine how hard it was for him on that day when we sat down and I told him I was raped. He had no prior knowledge of it and didn't know how to act or respond. He just knew that something horrible had happened to this person that he loved and cared so deeply for. All of a sudden he could see where my walls and barriers and fears came from but had no knowledge of why they were there because he did not understand the severity of what it does to you mentally, physically and emotionally. He never thought his wife would be a survivor of rape because he did not understand, sadly, how common it has become. I am sure it would have been 90% easier (not for him to deal with because that will always be a shock to find out it happened to someone you love) for him to understand and cope with the knowledge of it with a previous understanding of rape culture.

I strongly and sincerely urge people to step outside of their comfort zones to talk about and educate yourself! I am so sick of reading story after news article after Facebook post about someone being raped or assaulted and the band of people believing and shouting it's not a problem. I am sick of people with authoritative power and public figures siding with these perpetrators who come off with little to no punishment because they are 'good athletes'. I am sick of people telling me and other survivors that it's not a big deal and we should just forget about it and move on with our lives. I am sick of the heartbreak that comes from the beautiful survivors that I am so blessed to come into contact with every day. There is enough horror going on in the world as it is. We don't need rape and sexual assault to be at the top with it. That is one of the things we can most control, influence and drastically decrease.

On the other hand of this all I again am so immensely grateful and blessed to be able to be a voice for those who had theirs temporarily taken. I am so overwhelmed with humility as people use what I have to say (or rant) about to fill what they need to voice. I am grateful that my experiences have led me here. I know that without them I would be one of those people that was misinformed or not informed at all of how common rape is.

 Thank you to everyone that is 

choosing to speak up 

and make this quiet fight a bit louder. 

The Perfect Victim

**Trigger Warning**

When I got raped, my case didn't hold up long enough for it to even be able to consider a trial. I was ready to do it if that is what was needed. I was told I essentially I would go through it for nothing, because he wasn't going to be guilty. It made me really mad then. But now, it infuriates me. I am not mad for the sole purpose of revenge, but because one of my greatest fears is that some girl, clueless like me, will fall into the same trap. I am terrified he will rape another girl. There are, I am sure, more than one or two deciding factors in why he would never get charged with Rape. But from my experience, in my case, there was one that ultimately decided his fate.

I DID NOT ACT OR RESPOND HOW SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT RAPED SHOULD HAVE ACTED OR RESPONDED.


Point blank.


So what do they want to see? What does a judge and a jury and a detective or a cop and a family member or a doctor need to be able to start locking the people who commit this horrid of a crime up?

Well, lets look at how my rape SHOULD have gone.

*The following experience is a satire written to make a point and are not the actual details of my personal story*



When he broke up with me, I ended it entirely. I completely cut him off all together and let him know I did not want anything to do with him again for the rest of my life. The previous friendship now became nothing to me and i severed it. But it didn't work. He kept calling and texting and asking me to spend time with him. He asked me if I would come to his house to see his family and just have a good time hanging out. I said no and that made him mad.

 I went about the rest of my day, going on my nightly walk with 3 neighbors (2 of those were men because that made me safer) and 2 dogs (again for added protection). I definitely never went anywhere alone because I didn't want it to seem like I was asking for something bad to happen. I was wearing long baggy pants and an over sized hoodie. I was really careful to make sure that nothing I was wearing was too revealing because I didn't want to give off that look of "I'm easy". I made sure to only have water in my system because when I gave yes or no responses to the company I was with, they would understand yes was yes and no was no.

Then out of nowhere a dark car showed up and just like that I was kidnapped. I heard the neighbors I was with screaming and then everything went black. The next thing I remember was waking up to a severe headache and blurry vision. I  made sure to spend enough time as I was regaining my vision to pull out every detail of my surroundings, because my adrenaline is really good and pin pointing very specific details in an intense crisis. I knew what he was wearing what show I heard in the background...and I knew what to do next as I saw him coming at me with a look in his eye that no amount of persuasion would change. 

As he pinned me down to pull off my clothes I used my first instinct. To scream. This came so easy because I had told myself before if anything like this happened that is what I would do. Naturally my brain retained this information because I didn't stop screaming. And even though he told me to shut up and hit me every time I yelled or told him to stop I didn't stop. When I was paying attention to details in the room I noticed a small camera on the desk. He was filming this. I thought to myself "this is good because this will help lock him away."

When he was finished with me I pushed him aside running out the door out of the apartment complex and I didn't stop running until I had reach a location to call my parents. I told them everything that happened all at once. I knew in an instant I wasn't dirty. I wasn't scared or hurt (mentally or physically) and I knew I was going to be okay. My mind was clear and I could fully process what happened to me and what I needed to do next. I immediately went to the police, not stopping at home to breathe, get some water or shower.

 I went to the police and with ease told them everything. 

The evidence was enough to detain him for questioning and once they knew of and found the video footage that was it. I was able to testify and he was locked away as a rapist. I was told I handled everything perfectly and if I hadn't it wouldn't have made as clear of a case.
 I was so grateful for my mind and body reacting in a normal matter to make sure that I didn't have any guilt or shame or PTSD after. I was able to go back to a normal way of living. Nothing changed. I just got to lock another bad person away. 
The End. 
*

WHY is this what people want to hear and see? 

WHY is there only 1 way that victims of rape should react. 

WHY does it matter how they dressed, who they spent time with, 

or what the ate or drank the day it happened?

Why couldn't the bruises in the forming the shape of his hands on my chest be enough?

 WHY is putting a person away dependent on how you behaved after you were beaten, violated, yelled at, shamed, defeated...after YOU WERE RAPED?! You were used, and tossed aside like an old rag and all those other things matter?!

(sketch I drew showing how a survivor feels after rape)

To me this is the biggest issue in the world not understanding rape culture. I don't know how or why or where the world came up with the ideal that there is one scenario in which a person is "actually" raped and the rest are no good. No one asks to be raped based on their clothes, their friends, their extra curricular activities or their general way of living their life. 
If you did not say "I want you to touch me", "Yes I want to have sex" or "remove my clothes" It is sexual assault or rape. If at any moment you say "no" or "stop" it is then sexual assault or rape.  THIS IS BASIC HUMAN KNOWLEDGE!! It has always been this way, so why in the hell do people think its different now? Do we get too offended? Too entitled? Maybe too caught up in this shouldn't or won't happen to me? 
THIS is the aspect that needs to educate people on rape. Its as simple as black and white. 

Rape is rape.
There is no perfect victim. 
That doesn't exist.
There is no right or wrong way to handle it. 

I wish so badly that people who are victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault could know that from the get go. It took me so long to learn that I didn't handle my situation the wrong way. Did I handle it how people with preconceived notions thought I should handle it? Did I handle it how I thought I would handle it? NO! I stated this in my first post. I got into the car with the creep! I let him drive me home. It doesn't make sense to the outside world. But after going though something horrific and traumatizing and way too real that is one thing that made sense. Act normal (because all your normal was just ripped from you) and get home to your family and your safe place. That is what I needed to make it. 

Yes, some will react like the "perfect" story. Some will fight their way out and some flea. Fight or flight. They don't call it "wrong or right" Neither is wrong. What is wrong is the person who raped you not caring for the fact that you are a human being.

So what can we do? Talk about it! Let people know THE only wrong decision made in a situation of rape is the decision the perpetrator made to rape. Its hard, but share your stories with your family and friends. I know not everyone I knew thought I did the right thing at first either. But I talked with them, educated them and showed them it isn't all the same scenario every time. It won't work 100% but the best way to change the minds of the world is to have the people who understand it best, be the one to educate. Its a big project to take on. Sometimes I think, I gave enough, I've had enough taken from me, I shouldn't have to be one that puts myself out there more to let people know something needs to change. But slowly I have realized the impact I can make in the lives of others and I am more than honored to help pave the way for a different way of thinking.  

I continue to hope that one day this fight will no longer be quiet..that it will be loud and clear and united among all types of people. 

Rape taught me how to truly love who I am

I have been reflecting a lot lately. It helps that I took a small hiatus for myself to breathe and take a beat. As much as I LOVE my blog, talking about being raped (even if its indefinitely) is exhausting and takes a bit out of me. It kinda puts me in a weird funk for a couple days. Not a funk incapable of functioning or being happy but kind of like a dull fog over the front of my brain. It makes me think of it more times (than normal) on a daily basis and I just needed a breather from that for a bit of time. But since i’ve had all this time to think, what has really been on my mind is what kind of person I am. I’ve thought to myself, “if I were someone else, would I want to spend a whole day with Miquelle?” I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think i’m a total stick in the mud:). I have my days where I am sure no one wants to be around me because I am just grouchy and stuck in my own self pity. (Apologizes to Corey cause he kinda said he’d stick by me even when i’m bathing in self pity). But I think I am a decent human being..FAR from perfect but decent. I try to love others unconditionally, to be brave, to be obedient to my Father in Heaven, to speak kindly to and about others, I look for small opportunities to serve and I put my 110% into my work, whatever that work may be. I have opportunities every day to make me better and if i choose to handle those opportunities well, i succeed and become a little bit better of a person at the end of the day. But…

Would I be this person if i didn’t get raped? Would I be this person if i didn’t have to FIGHT every single day to breathe and to be okay? Would I be this person if I didn’t have to learn for myself to trust and to see good in the world? Would I be who I am if I lived a “normal” life free from abuse?

My conclusion?

No. I wouldn’t.

Now trust me I wish that I could have learned some “life lessons” in a different way. No one wakes up and says to themselves “Hey, I am glad that I got raped.” I could have definitely done my growing from different life experiences. But I didn’t. I learned how to do life from being raped. That’s a fact and it won’t change no matter how much time I spent thinking it would. Coming to terms with that brought a lot of negative things. Negative emotions, negative thought processes, negative habits, negative expectations...but slowly, one by one, I have learned how to alter those to be for my benefit. And that’s what I loved. I wasn’t taught that I can’t think that way. YOU CAN! You’re allowed to. You were raped. You have that right. But i love that i was taught to take all of those negatives and turn them into something to learn and grow from. I never have to be okay with what happened to me. It isn’t okay for someone to take what they took from me. But it is okay to take the bad and mold it into something beautiful. It may be a Picasso painting kind of beautiful, but nonetheless, beautiful and it has turned into something worthwhile.

And hey maybe this post is just for me. Maybe I need that reassurance that i’m okay, i’m doing okay at life and i will be okay from here on out. Maybe i just need a reminder that I am good and worthwhile and that getting raped doesn’t  alter that. It took a lot but it didn’t make me less of a person. But rape did mold me.

Rape caused me to hate myself which taught me how to truly love who I am.

Rape caused me not to trust a soul on Earth which showed me how to develop my own boundaries and lines.

Rape caused me to hate. Hate everyone, and hate the world. Dark, enraged, hate..which drew me closer to God as I prayed for Charity

Rape caused me to believe I was damaged goods and no one would want me which in turn made me work to see and find a man who thought the world of me and will now spend eternity by my side.

Rape caused me to question my life, even my existence, and made me second guess my role on the Earth which turned me to have a purpose full of love and service.

Rape led me to believe I would always be depressed...that there was no light at the end of this tunnel that it placed me in, which, put a train on the tracks i never would have normally taken and it has greatly blessed my life by meeting the most incredible people.

Rape caused me to pull away from my family and friends which showed me the value of family and to not take it for granted.

Rape caused me to believe i was a victim, which guided me to see I am a survivor...a fighter...and a victor.

Like I said I know there were other ways I could have learned these things. There were easier ways and much more desirable ways. But I am grateful. Not that i was raped but, grateful that I learned what I did from it. I don’t think (for me) there was a better way because this made strong in what I believe. It made me strong in what I think. It made me strong in what I do or say.

It gave me strength.

...in ways I never imagined I could be strong.

Rape was/is not the end for me. And it isn’t the end for any other survivors. It can be defeated. It can be beaten. And with the continuous movements and organizations for awareness and stopping the silence, rape can be less and less of an issue everyday! Soon the fight won’t be quiet because the people around us will be educated enough to listen to and help survivors speak out!

What rape gave me

Five years ago today was the day I was raped.

Normally you would think that today is a really hard day where I am sad and spend the whole day thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I spend my fair share of time thinking but today ends up being a bit more different than that.

When my one year mark hit I was flooded with something unexpected. Letters. I had letters from all members of my family, from friends, from people who I didn’t even know. These letters were telling me things like how proud they were of me, how strong I was, how brave I was and gave me tips, advice, prayers, and scriptures in these beautiful and heartfelt cards. They all just let me know how loved I was. My family gave me the BEST thing they could give me to help me heal. A support system. That first year all the people I loved took me to dinner and made me smile and laugh and gave me new, happy memories to have on the 17th of May. They called today, Miquelle Day and it's been recognized every year since.

**I realize not all people have the luxury of a good support system and those are the people that i admire even more. Having to heal and learn alone takes strength and courage beyond the capacity I have and those people are a gift to the world.**

This year I have realized I don’t need my own holiday, I don’t need dinner or flowers regardless of if they come or not. They will always be loved and I will always have so much gratitude for them, but I don’t need them. Today isn’t about my own holiday. It’s about realizing how far I've come. It’s about taking care of myself. It’s about not defining every year after by what happened. It’s making new memories that will help dull the painful one you’ll think about every year. It’s about doing a self check to make sure you are healing right and making new goals for continuing your progress for the next year. Already it’s been super cool seeing my progress. I have done a post on facebook every year (however it was not public as to what about) and even the difference in those posts are mile markers.So today I have just taken the time to think of what being raped gave to my life. Yes, added. (It took things, I know, but I won’t focus on that. It won’t get me anywhere.)

Being raped gave me my voice.

I know that seems so odd because really rape takes your voice. But as I have coped and healed, I learned that I never really had a voice in the first place because I didn’t have the time to find it. In past relationships or “hook-up’s” I never called the shots, I never had the ideas and I never started any intimacy. I always agreed to it (up to my rape) but I never had a voice in saying opinions or anything. I learned that what I think, feel, and want matters and my voice IS good enough to express.

Being raped gave me confidence

I don’t have the best confidence, and I don’t love what i see in the mirror everyday. But that is getting better, and it is DEFINITELY better than it has ever been! I am growing to love who I am and who I am becoming.

Being raped gave me worth

It only gave this to me after it took it all. I had to learn how to get it all back but that’s the key. I had to LEARN to get it back. I had to work to see my worth through my saviors eyes. I had to work to see my worth to my parents. I had to work to see my worth from my friends and my family and I had to work to see my worth from myself. And like all things, when you have to work so hard...when you have to fight with every fiber of your being every day to gain something it does not easily disappear.

Being raped gave me an inner fight

This inner fight is my favorite thing I've had to take from this! I learned to fight for trust, fight for love, fight for faith, fight to ban fear, fight to smile, fight to laugh, fight to feel happy, fight to BE happy, fight to have relationships and fight to have a future! I LOVE that! Some days its hard and exhausting but I love that I get to fight for all of it. I get to be passionate and work hard and then i get to see the rewards from me working so hard and that is the best!!

So today and on this day every year i celebrate. Because I cannot be kept down. I fight for what I want and I can achieve it even if things happen to try and make me believe otherwise. I can rise up and I can do hard things. What was taken from me when I was raped is not a permanent settlement. I have come from the ashes and I am fighting daily because I am worth the fight. Rape isn’t going to keep me from living the life that my Heavenly Father wanted me to live because unlike what my attacker showed me, I am worth more than that!

Insecurities (part 2)

I know that i just did a blog post 2 days ago. I am also aware that it was titled insecurities. Well, to be real with you, although i meant every word of that last post, I was not honest. I found that for myself that did not sit right with me. In reality, the post was short because this post was so hard for me. I haven’t narrowed it down to exactly why… maybe it was because through this blog, people have looked up to me for strength and advice...maybe it was because as soon as i said it out loud and out for the world to see it would make it real and then people would know… maybe it's just because admitting that you have such devastating insecurities is freaking scary.

But truth is that i struggle most with the insecurities that rape and depression left me.

Not all of these insecurities started with the rape. Some came about when my biological dad left. Some happened when life just got hard. A Lot surfaced when I was battling suicide and depression. But  most of them started the minute i got raped. Isn’t that fascinating? That one defining moment will alter the way you think feel and act when you’ve behaved that way for your entire life prior to this one moment. Those other insecurities solidified themselves into my existence, because, even though the insecure statements and thoughts were never uttered from his lips, THIS IS HOW HE MADE ME FEEL! And unfortunately, Satan, The evil thing he is, LOVES that this is the way i feel. And because i have felt these things so deep previously he knows exactly how to whittle his way in and make it all affect every aspect of my daily life.

The really frustrating part is i don’t feel my insecurities on a daily basis. Some show themselves more on other days where a some days are really good and i don't have to feel insecure about anything and i don’t have to fight that hard...Then some days i feel like i can't fight hard enough and my insecurities win. That’s what makes them suck so bad. You have days where there is no grey and you love yourself and you love life and you love people and you love the world so you can feel what it is like to not care, not to have insecurities and just be you.

I have had people tell me “Well, if you are struggling with these things, if you really have these insecurities, then you are not ready to be in a relationship or be married (ect)”.

FALSE

I can function. I have learned how to fight my battles and i have learned how to work hard to accomplish what i want and i have learned that one moment such as rape doesn't define who i am and it never will. Truth is EVERYONE has insecurities and EVERYONE has to deal with them. And if their statement was true no one would be in their right mind to have a husband or a wife or a child or a significant other.

Well, now you have heard my ranting soap box about how insecurities suck and how clearly talking about my insecurities is an insecurity. :p

Well here it goes….the reason i do my blog...it's to be open and vulnerable enough to hopefully maybe one day help someone out, even if it's just to let them know they are not alone in what they feel...that someone else out there gets it. These are mine and the reasons why i have them and what my head tells me to make them stick around.

MY Insecurities

Being a good wife/being good enough for a man

Obviously this one has surfaced recently, since i have only been a wife since December. It was always a quiet fear in my mind in the weeks leading up to the wedding but it's much more prominent now. This isn’t a “poor me, I don’t deserve anyone”. This is just something that my mind has created. I know it started when my dad left me for good at 12 and i convinced myself that it was because i wasn’t a good enough kid for him. Then it settled deeper when a person i cared about and did my best to make things work with and make him happy because his feelings mattered to me proved to me that i wasn’t good enough for people. I was just merely a vessel for his momentary and disgusting desires.

I am nowhere near perfect. And i am okay with that! But, everytime I do something wrong in my relationship with my husband...every time i snap at him when i shouldn’t...every time I don’t do something i say i am going to do...every time I am sick and can’t work a full paycheck to help support us, that insecurity pops into my head loud and clear…

“See, You can’t do this and you will never be good enough for a man like Corey. You’re only good for a few things and being a wife isn’t it”.

How messed up is that? However, i am privileged to turn around and combat that and fight hard for things i love and want. And that is so much more rewarding to me.

Trusting too much/not enough

This is pretty cut and dry, and makes more sense to an “outsider's” eye. No matter how much progress i make, no  matter how much my relationships with people progress, there comes a point in my new relationships with people that causes it to come to a halt. I start thinking i’m putting too much into this and i trust them too much and it’s a waste of time. And sadly enough (yes i recognize this and i am working on it) I start setting them up to fail. With the exception of Corey (maybe cause i’m like crazy in love with him or something...weird) I have done this with 95% of the relationships i have made since i was raped. I know that this is a subconscious thing and most of the time i don’t realize i have done it till its finished or too late. But it is there and it happens. And it’s just a side effect, if you will, of being a rape survivor. This used to be something I would beat myself up about all the time. I used the you should you shouldn’t statements to convince myself this wasn’t right. And no, it's not healthy but it takes time and effort and it’s something I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life.

My body

Yep, this one made the list. Go figure, right? I know this is something that a lot of individuals struggle with. And how can you not? Society and the world will NEVER be happy with a body image. Something's always wrong and something can always be changed. But there is something in the brain (not for everyone i just know this is common and i’ve crossed paths with a lot who have felt the same)  that makes you think you and your body are disgusting and completely worthless.

Although I love the movie, and i quote this on many occasions this concept always reminds me of it. Its from shark tale and it’s when Oscar is in trouble with Mr. Sykes who is in trouble with Don Lino (the shark).  Mr Sykes explains to Oscar by pulling down a chart where he fits in on the food chain.

Sykes: On the top there’s Don Lino, there’s me, there’s regular fish.

Oscar: And then that’s me!

Sykes: No. There’s plankton, there’s single-celled amoebas…

Oscar: And then me!

Sykes: I’m getting there, i’m getting there...There’s coral, there’s rocks, there’s WHALE poop, and then there’s you.

Oscar: That’s messed up…

With some humor to it (plus who doesn’t love Will Smith) that’s how you feel. You are literally below the scum of the earth. Whatever is below poop, doesn’t look good, doesn’t smell good, doesn’t feel good and isn’t good. When something isn’t good and is shown it has no REAL purpose it’s easy to believe it. Fighting my body image has been one of my hardest struggles and i’m SO grateful for the progress i’ve made and for the patience that my husband has with it and all the hiccups it causes in our relationship.That leads nicely into my next insecurity…

My intimate life with my husband

My hopes is that no one looks at this one in the wrong way. I was a virgin when i was raped. There was no sexual activity before the rape and certainly none after. The only person i have had sex with is my husband. Trying to mentally and physically make that a possibility has been SO tough. It’s either feeling like i'm only good for sex, or feeling stupid during, or feeling like i'm not doing my part to make our intimacy good for him, and unfortunately always getting triggers and flashbacks. This messes with my head more than any other insecurity i have. But I am SO INCREDIBLY blessed to have a husband who is so patient and so kind and constantly tries and makes sure I am okay and for a Heavenly Father who through the atonement can help me overcome even this insecurity. It’s one I think i will always have to fight.

Saying the wrong thing

This has gotten so much better the past year. I attribute a lot of that to the place i work and to my marriage where what i say is respected and where my voice matters. But from being raped i learned in a matter of an hour (i think i couldn’t tell you the time frame even if i tried) that when you speak and it’s not what your audience wants to hear you're punished for it in some way. When I didn’t say what he wanted i got hit or the abuse went further or longer. That quickly conditioned me to not speak what was okay and not okay to me and to have that fear of saying the wrong things.

These are just a FEW of what i struggle with (and i know i am not alone in these) on a daily basis. They are not all but these are the ones that affect me and my life choices most. Words cannot express well enough how difficult it is for me to put this out there point blank, no questions asked. But it’s true. What i have learned is THESE ARE NOT THINGS TO BE ASHAMED OF! If anyone should feel ashamed it’s the person who caused all of this because I didn’t ask for it. I said not and he should be ashamed of being a terrible human being. Thankfully, I have 3 things (well i have so many more like my family who is the most INCREDIBLE support system) that will always help me overcome my insecurities and will always help me see that light at the end of the tunnel.

1) The love of my life who always lets me know my beauty and worth is infinite

2) The temple-where you can feel the most peace and comfort and direction that you cannot find or duplicate anywhere else

3) My loving Heavenly Father-who unfailingly wraps his arms around me daily in love and comfort and hope and peace and joy and optimism. I know that through him and by him I can overcome any obstacle that comes into my path. How blessed I am for his love and his mercy.

My hope is that one day, rape and sexual assault will not be a quiet fight. The world needs to see and hear from these people who become so strong and so courageous and who have so much to teach and show the people around them.

Again, you are a beautiful person. You always have been and that light and that warmth and originality cannot be taken from you! Continue to fight and prove everyday that you are better than the person who thought they could make you less than whale poop. :)

Keep fighting for your slice of pie!

Insecurity

Sorry it has been a while since my last post. It has been a couple of crazy weeks! This post is going to be pretty short because I have a really good post coming up in the next week by none other than my wonderful HUSBAND! I am really really excited about his post so stay tuned!

This past week someone had said something to me (in no harm) that I have been thinking so much about. They said:

 "How come people who are raped have so many insecurities? If it is't your fault like you claim then you have nothing to be insecure about and it's silly to be so insecure about so many different things". 

At first I was really confused because I thought it was true and my whole healing process had been done wrong even though I KNOW there isn't a right or wrong way to do it. Then I realized no, that statement is so wrong!

Rape is not just something that happens to you and then it's all done and over with. Rape takes your power...power to say no, power to have control over your mind and your body, power to trust, power to love. It takes your confidence in yourself and in life. It takes away your hope and it TAKES AWAY YOUR SECURITY! 

So I asked myself, if it takes all of that what does that leave you with initially? Pain, and insecurity. The definition of insecurity is "1) uncertainty or anxiety about oneself or a lack of confidence and 2) The state of being open to danger or threat or the lack of protection." Any survivor of rape or a sexual assault knows that is exactly how you leave your attacker feeling. Feeling that way sucks, and there are so many other emotions we would rather have and feel, but, feeling that way is okay! You went through something horrible and tremendously life altering (no matter how long ago or how recent) and it shocks your entire way of life. It sets everything back a step. You are allowed to feel insecure and vulnerable and you are allowed to feel unprotected and not confident. Your voice and your sense of security was taken from you, and it is so hard to get back. I don't think there is anything wrong with accepting that. So to the person I had that conversation with, my response to you is, yes, being a rape survivor does come with insecurities and yes I am allowed to be insecure. It's not silly to be insecure over something that rocked my life and made me question my existence as a human being. 

What isn't allowed is to stay insecure! 

I absolutely LOVE this! Before you were taken advantage of you had a beauty that you were born with and a beauty that no one else was born with. Your individuality and your beauty is something that only you have and when that diminishes no one else can replace it. Its a long road and the road is paved with so many hurdles and struggles and a really tough fight. But this is just one piece of the pie that one day you WILL get back. Its a daily effort but don't let people ever make you think that you are not still a beautiful person inside and out!!