Do’s and Dont’s of a survivor’s support circle

What is a support circle? It is a group of people who gather and/or speak with an individual regularly to help meet their needs that they cannot accomplish or ask for help to accomplish themselves.

After someone has been raped or sexually assaulted they need a support system around them. This, to me, is the most crucial part of healing. I am not saying that people cannot cope without one. I am fully aware that having a great circle of support filled with people is a massive blessing, one that not all people can have the luxury of having. I am saying that can change. I think it is so important to rally around the people who are hurting from this life shattering and all too common trial.

I was so grateful and so incredibly blessed to have the support I had in my life. There are things they did that got me where I am at today. But they didn’t know what they are doing. There isn’t a “how to be a support for survivors for dummies” book published to go and purchase at your local bookstore.

That’s why I want to put this piece out there. I want everyone and anyone to read this. Why? Because sadly, and truthfully enough, whether you know it or not, EVERY person has someone in their life that has become subject to the effects of this type of abuse. There is no perfect outline for how to help. There is not a way to take away their hurt, pain or suffering. But there is a way to take on a very small part of the burden so that for a brief moment in time they can breathe in a full breath of fresh air. These are not scientific. They are not proven to work 100% of the time. This is just what I have seen works and doesn’t work in my own life and in the lives of the beautiful people i have met who were going through the same thing.  

DONT’S

1. Don’t ever say you shouldn’t have put yourself in said situation to have been raped. Your loved one who has gone through this excruciating experience is already replaying that thought, and that scenario in their head over and over again. They will pick apart every single detail saying to themselves “if I wouldn’t have done” or “if I didn’t say this” or “if I didn’t act or dress this way”...they are already proving to themselves every single thing they “did wrong” and they are finding every excuse they can to take the blame. Don’t tell them that they put themselves in the situation that got them raped. I know most of time it is a way for your to cope and for you to understand and process what happened, but saying those things out loud will hurt more than hinder.

2. Don’t expect them to or tell them they should be healing quicker or be over it by now. Trust me, they want to be done. They want it to be over. They don’t want to hurt anymore. They don’t want to have nightmares. They want to forget it and they want to heal. They want to be able to sleep at night. They want to move on with their life and not be triggered by the smallest things. But it is not that easy. There is not a syllabus for how these things work. There isn’t a timeline to how the recovery works. Some survivors will be quicker to heal and continue with their life. Some will need years. That doesn’t make one stronger than the other. It’s just how you cope and how you make do with the small amount of strength that you possibly have left.   

3. Don’t be afraid to show that this is hard for you too. At times it is hard to see as a survivor but ultimately seeing your support system hurt with you helps because of these reasons:

A) They don’t feel alone in their pain. They are still human and humans don’t want to go through things alone.

B) It gives them a bit of comfort knowing they don’t need to heal as fast as they feel. They don’t need to be at a certain point of recovery. It is so easy for people who have been raped or abused to think they have to have a timeline and if they don’t they are not doing it right or not working hard enough. Seeing you go through this with them shows they are okay to be in the place they are at.

C) It makes things less confusing. It validates what they think and feel. After you’ve been through such a violent crime you are beyond confused. Things don’t make any sense. Stuff that you loved or laughed at don’t mean the same thing. You don’t think the same, you don’t feel the same, you don’t even laugh the same.

I am not saying force your emotions out and don’t put out what you don’t feel, but if you feel sad, feel sad that day. If they see you cry, that’s okay to cry. It does help.

4. Don’t let them sit in the dark places for too long and don’t allow them to never go get help, see a therapist, or join a support group. It is all too easy for a survivor to get comfortable in their dark place and never leave. That’s all most survivors want to do. I will be 100% honest...when my mother or my siblings or my aunts or grandmother made me come out of my room, made me go out with them, or made me talk to people other than the ones confined in the walls of my home, it made me angry. I hated it. I had no desire, the thought of it made me sick and I hated it. But it was the best thing for me. I needed that force. Some will just need a slight nudge or some will need a push. I needed pliers and a 2x4. And when it made me mad, they didn’t stop. I am now so unbelievably grateful for that! I know that because they helped get me out and helped me get help, I was able to jump on my road to recovery sooner. The support I had from me going to my therapy sessions and my group sessions was crazy. As I had stated my sister drove with me for the first while and attended with me every week. When it needed to be just me people would wait the 1-2 hours for me in the car or in the lobby. Don’t let your loved one sit for too long. They may not get it, heck, you may not get it, but pushing them a little is a good thing!

5. **Disclaimer: To each their own. This is just what I have seen as a common pattern in my involvements in other survivors’ lives.**

Don’t say to your survivor “It’s time to forgive the person that did this to you.” Trust me that is literally the last thing they want to hear. I promise you when they want to start thinking about that they will. If anything help them understand (especially if they come from an LDS background because forgiveness is so commonly talked about-and no that is not a bad thing) that they don’t need to forgive right away. Also help them understand what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is NEVER saying what they did is okay. It isn’t okay and will never be okay. That was the one thing that was told to me by several people in and out of the church. And although it was a wrong decision to the words, it was a small piece as to why I stopped going to church for a time. In my head the concept of forgiveness was not even a comprehensible one. Not to mention I didn’t see why they could tell me that when they had no idea what I was going through mentally, physically, or emotionally. This is just one of those things that because rape can be so damaging it could push a fine line that most people just don’t need pushed right now. They are too fragile and too confused and too angry. And forgiveness, if it comes, will take time. AND THAT IS OKAY. This is one of those things that comes so much further down the road and you have healed and taken care of you and learned how to trust and love again.

DO’S

1. Let them hurt. Let them cry. Let them feel the pain. Let them sit in a dark corner for a while. Let them be completely miserable. I know it is probably so hard to watch. I know it is painful to see and you just want them to be happy and love life and be okay again but I can assure you, it’s part of the process needed for healing. From a survivor's standpoint, I think it helps us process things better. I think it helps us be able to stay in our world and not venture off to a place where we just check out and brush off things we have to deal with. I think it helps us feel more real and more human and more like everyone else. We need to ‘lay there and bleed for a while before we get back up and fight’. (Taken from a great poem titled ‘Sir Andrew Barton’ that my mother has quoted numerous times..."I am hurt, but I am not slain; I'll lay me down and bleed a while, And then I'll rise and fight again.”). Everything has to run it’s course and all walks of this process need to be felt and dealt with in full.

2. Sit with them in the dark places. Even if they act or show like they don’t want the support they do and later down the road they will be so grateful they had people just to sit with them. I have already stated before how some of my favorite help was from the people who would just join me in my dark place. I remember one day was particularly rough and i sat in my closet for hours. My friend came over and didn’t talk me out or tell me to be happier and open up all my curtains (although that is a great thing to break up a constant stream of mental or physical dark) they just came in the closet, with blankets and just sat next to me. I will never forget that because I just felt so loved and so cared about. To be in such an awful place and still feel like you are worth something makes all the difference

3. Talk (when appropriate) to them about how they are feeling, how you are feeling and about the situation in general. It’s good for them to see that their feelings of fear and anger and hurt are normal because others feel them too. Sometimes it was hard for me to look around me and see my family smiling or hear them downstairs laughing while I am up in my bed crying. Yes, they were allowed to be happy but it was so good for me to see those moments when they were feeling the effects of what was going on. It helped me know I am on an okay pace of healing and that I don’t need to recover faster. At those times when I couldn’t tell this was hard for them I mentally beat myself up because i should be able to be happy and laugh like them. Seeing them happy was good, don’t get me wrong, but it just helped me feel more...normal. And normalcy was all I wanted in most of those moments. This isn’t something to stress and overthink. You don’t need to asses at night and think “oh gosh I wasn’t sad enough today” or “I didn’t tell them how ticked I was with the person that did this to them”. It’s just the simple fact of be okay to not be okay with them. No one is in charge of keeping anyone together :). Ask them how they are doing that day. Try to get more than a one word or small sentence answer. If you can try and get them to speak more you will understand what they need more. I know that can be hard to hear, especially if their healing takes them to a place of being able to discuss detail and things that hurt to hear, but trying a bit everyday to get them to speak what their head is spinning in circles thinking over and over is hugely beneficial.

 

4. Help them tell people around them. Obviously, make sure that this is okay with your loved one. That was the BEST thing for me. Telling loved ones...friends and family… was so hard but so good. Having them there when I need them and having them understand was crucial to my healing. I wouldn’t recommend telling dozens of people (unless you feel that is best for YOU) because that can seem way too much at times. Me just telling my family (age appropriate ones) and a few close friends was exactly what I needed. I already loved and trusted them and had already built up great connections and established a great relationship with them. When my mom and I told them I knew that wouldn’t see me as the girl who got raped. I would still be seen as their niece, granddaughter, sister, cousin etc. Then if I was having a rough day I wouldn’t have to explain anything to them. they would know exactly why and could still just continue to love me through it. Telling these people gave me the most wonderful support system I could ask for and I am so eternally grateful for that. I would receive cards or flowers or notes of love and encouragement. I would get calls and texts reminding me that I was loved and worth so much more than what I was shown when I was raped. These small and simple things are what kept me going. These small acts of love is what ultimately kept me from taking my own life or running away from everything I had loved or hoped for. Without these people, it’s simple...I would not have made it!

 

5. Lastly, remember that there is no timeline for this. There is not a point set for when they should be feeling better, no point set for when they should have “been over that by now”, and no point set where their anger should dissipate. No abuse case is the same. No two survivors are the same. No two families are the same. As much as we would like there to be, there is no exact remedy to help this. So, there will be no exact time frame for this either. I met wonderful women who were dealing with their abuse from 30+ years ago. No amount of time spent on healing is a right or wrong amount. We just have to remember to keep them uplifted and keep them feeling loved. If we can do that then we can hope that will help them heal quicker and safer.

Once again this is not cookie cutter, this is what works, this is what doesn’t work, there is only black and white information. This is only what I have found helped me and what has helped some of the brave people around me. My heart, and deepest sincere prayers go out to those who have had loved ones pass from this horrible abuse or take their own life from the effects. I know that you have ran through your head a million times what you think you could have done differently. But please know that ultimately the fight is within the person. Not any suggestion of do’s or don’t’s can help make them overcome this. It is what they are capable of and what they choose to do. Whether someone lives or passes is not 100% based on these suggestions. Please if you are in this case, do not let yourself say the words “if I only did…”. Chances are you did so much and you just don’t see it.

I really hope this helps, even in the slightest. I got this idea from my mother. She was telling me that when this all happened with me they were completely clueless. They had no idea how to even come close to treading these waters. I am not a expert, but PLEASE if anyone has questions, you can email me or message me. I will love to help answer any that I can. People that have been messaging me already and that will continue to message me with never be talked about. It is always personal and confidential. I just want to be there to help if anyone needs it.

The more people that rally together against this, the better. The more awareness we can bring, the better. Even if you don’t think you know someone who has been raped or sexually abused, bring awareness to it because sadly i guarantee you, someone in your life is a survivor of this.

It may sound silly but how neat would it be to create this massive support circle where everyone has everyone else to lean on with this...where this doesn’t have to be a taboo because it is all too real and it happens every day.

I hope this helped someone. People who deal with this trial are in my hopes and prayers and, especially with my blog, in my thoughts all throughout every day.

Thank you for all the love and support. Keep up the fight!

You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery.

I am so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for everyone! The responses I have gotten from the people who have read my first post are so kind and so inspiring and so supportive! I am very touched to see people contacting me with pieces of their own story and encouragement and thoughts and ideas. It is so amazing to feel prompted to do something and see such a reward from acting on it. Not a reward necessarily for me but to see people gain something positive from what I had to say.
The gap between now and my first post is a bit longer than I would like it to have been but I was really struggling to find a way to continue writing. Part of me didn't even know where to continue and part of me (admittedly yes) felt way too exposed and vulnerable and I didn't know if I could do more. I am not a person that loves attention. I don't even like things as my birthday being celebrated let alone my Facebook, google plus, and Instagram accounts exploding with tags of my name in every other post. That overwhelmed me a bit. But the part that I was expressing to my wonderful husband that freaked me out the most was alot of people know my story now. And I don't want people to be nice to me because they feel sorry. I don't want to be treated differently and more than anything I don't want people to look at me and the first thing they think of is 'that girl got raped'. I do not want that to be my identifier. But I have gathered through a lot of thought and a lot of spontaneous, and helpful talks with Corey (my hubby) that 1) those are things I do not have control over, and 2) everyone copes with things in a different way. And if someone needs to act a certain way or think a certain way because of something they read then that is okay.

I love that! I love that there is not a single cookie cutter way to cope. I love that we all get to learn love and live in different ways. I love that we get to heal in our own way.

And yet at the same time I kind of hate it.

Something that I think is really hard to grasp after a major thing has happened to a person such as a form a such a violent abuse, is understanding that you cope differently than other survivors AND you cope differently than your friends and loved ones around you who are your support and encouragement. That was so confusing to me. I would see my mom heal from this faster than me or see my friend be able to talk with me about it and not cry anymore. My dear, dear, hero's in my support groups could go on dates and hold a job and go out to parties and have late nights in big crowds. I thought that meant something was wrong with me. That I was not healing, or dealing with my process right. I was convinced that I was doing it the wrong way...and I wasn't going to make it out alive.
Let me tell you something.

THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO COPE!!!!

There are healthy and unhealthy ways but there is no such thing as right or wrong.

I promise that if you are coping in a healthy way, you are making progress even if it feels like you take one step forward and three steps back, you are moving forward. If you aren't coping in a healthy manner, it's okay. There are alternative methods to cope and you can change it. The amazing thing is, you feel remarkably better when your coping methods are healthy. I remember right after the rape happened my coping was laying in a dark room for hours on end thinking of ways to die. I wanted to more than I had wanted anything else in my life. I don't know what kept me from acting on it at times. But that was an unhealthy way of keeping my mind off of the fact that I was a pile of broken, damaged, and useless goods. The other main (unhealthy) ways I coped were: excessively hot showers (physical pain took the mental pain away), allowing myself to be stuck in a complete and immobilizing blind rage towards life, the world, people, and God (I thought it would make me feel better and not feel so miserable), and complete and utter dissociating/spacing out. I would allow myself to be there physically but would be a complete vegetable mentally. This got so bad I wasn't remembering (and still can't remember) chunks of time. It got to the point where I didn't even have to try. I would just check out.

Later down the road, in my days of groups and counseling I learned how damaging these coping mechanisms were and was able to discover new ones that worked for me. What worked for me will not work for everyone else. Some that I loved were
1) Breathing. I was amazed what breathing in, holding it and letting it out slowly, repetitively until my heart rate slowed did for me. I found that I could think clearer and paint a bigger picture in my head of how I wanted to handle my feelings or trigger.
2) Writing. I love to write. Anything and everything. I may not be supreme in my ability to convey words onto a paper (or computer screen) but the relief I felt from saying ANYTHING I wanted and not have the paper talk back was invigorating. It wasn't going to judge me for thinking what I was thinking or yell at me for being triggered over something so stupid, or tell me I should just kill myself for even entertaining the idea that I could come out and think someone would ever want me. Those were all things my head told me on minute to minute basis. But writing was a beautiful way to get it out. And the best part?? If I didn't ever want to read it again or if I changed my mind about how I felt I could get rid of it. My favorite part of doing this coping mechanism was the times were I would write to my attacker. I would unleash my rage and my hurt and my pure and complete distaste for him on a paper. Then I would light a match and watch the paper burn. Sometimes those were more healing for me and did more for me than anything else could that week.
3) The arts. My sweet, incredible therapist found that I speak best and understand my own thoughts best when I can find music that fits my logic or mood and that I could express what my hopes, desires, or dark places were by capturing them on camera. My 'homework' assignments from her weekly more times than not, involved those types of things.

Finding something that you already connected with before your abuse will help you reconnect with your "normal" life again and also help bring to light some of the things you are thinking and feeling. It will help you deal with each day until you don't have to try as hard.
Some other suggestions if those won't work for you are
1) Talking. This could be to a parent, a friend, or your stuffed animal or dog. (sometimes thats nice cause they are the best listeners)
2) Exercising. To quote one of my favorite movies... "exercising gives you endorphin's. Endorphin's make you happy. Happy don't shoot their husbands! They just don't." But really there is a release of negativity there and an intake of positive and happy energy :)
3) Safe place. Get into a comfortable place and picture a place where you feel completely safe. It can be real or imaginary. Picture every detail of the place. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? What do you smell? Are you alone? What are you doing? Spend a good amount of time imagining this place so that you become familiar with it. Its helpful to come up with a cue that will help you to "visit" your safe place wen you need to. The cue can be a word, tapping your hand, or anything that will help you avoid a panic attack.. When you feel a panic attack or a flashback starting use your cue to signal that it is time to picture your safe place . You can do this until the flashback or anxiety has passed.
4) Grounding. When you need to cope through a flashback or trigger or panic attack or you feel any of those coming or you begin to have unwanted or intrusive thoughts you think or say "stop". Then you grab onto something solid and notice how the object feels. Ask yourself where am i? What is  happening now? Repeat your answers at least twice. They might be answers like "I am in class. I am safe right now". At the end it is SO important to tell yourself that you handled that situation well!

I really hope that at least one of those can help. If not, that is okay, you are not a lost cause! Do some research! There are so many ideas out there!

Something that I had to learn and understand was triggers and panic attacks and nightmares are all part of something called PTSD.

"PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Most survivors of trauma return to normal given a little time. However, some people will have stress reactions that do not go away on their own, or may even get worse over time. These individuals may develop PTSD. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life." -Taken from PTSD.gov

Talking with my therapist and discovering this was something I suffered from was hard because it made me feel even more broken. Something I had to learn was PTSD isn't about what's wrong with you, it's about what happened to you.

In the midst of all of these reasons to cope something I had to tell myself over and over again is I survived the abuse, so I will survive the recovery. Yes, the recovery I think is harder. But you are already at the bottom of a pit. Where else do you have to go? I promise (again) you WILL make it, and it WILL get easier. I was given something by a wonderful friend and one of my heroes. It reads:
        "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion ,gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

I love this! More now than I did when it was given to me. I have found a new love and a new strength from it. Because you have to fight something so dark and so hard, you will become a beautiful person inside and out. There is something to be said about surviving an experience so intense. Some days all you can do is sit in silence, hold back the tears and pretend you are going to be alright even if you don't believe it. But this is what is important to remember.


And guess what? If you are a survivor, you are making it. If you are a survivor, you are taking steps forward. If you are a survivor, you are a force to be reckoned with. If you are a survivor YOU ARE A FIGHTER! What happened to you does not and never will define you as who you are and what you will forever become. You are strong and you are courageous.
You are wanted. You are loved. You are going to be okay!