The gap between now and my first post is a bit longer than I would like it to have been but I was really struggling to find a way to continue writing. Part of me didn't even know where to continue and part of me (admittedly yes) felt way too exposed and vulnerable and I didn't know if I could do more. I am not a person that loves attention. I don't even like things as my birthday being celebrated let alone my Facebook, google plus, and Instagram accounts exploding with tags of my name in every other post. That overwhelmed me a bit. But the part that I was expressing to my wonderful husband that freaked me out the most was alot of people know my story now. And I don't want people to be nice to me because they feel sorry. I don't want to be treated differently and more than anything I don't want people to look at me and the first thing they think of is 'that girl got raped'. I do not want that to be my identifier. But I have gathered through a lot of thought and a lot of spontaneous, and helpful talks with Corey (my hubby) that 1) those are things I do not have control over, and 2) everyone copes with things in a different way. And if someone needs to act a certain way or think a certain way because of something they read then that is okay.
I love that! I love that there is not a single cookie cutter way to cope. I love that we all get to learn love and live in different ways. I love that we get to heal in our own way.
And yet at the same time I kind of hate it.
Something that I think is really hard to grasp after a major thing has happened to a person such as a form a such a violent abuse, is understanding that you cope differently than other survivors AND you cope differently than your friends and loved ones around you who are your support and encouragement. That was so confusing to me. I would see my mom heal from this faster than me or see my friend be able to talk with me about it and not cry anymore. My dear, dear, hero's in my support groups could go on dates and hold a job and go out to parties and have late nights in big crowds. I thought that meant something was wrong with me. That I was not healing, or dealing with my process right. I was convinced that I was doing it the wrong way...and I wasn't going to make it out alive.
Let me tell you something.
THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO COPE!!!!
There are healthy and unhealthy ways but there is no such thing as right or wrong.
I promise that if you are coping in a healthy way, you are making progress even if it feels like you take one step forward and three steps back, you are moving forward. If you aren't coping in a healthy manner, it's okay. There are alternative methods to cope and you can change it. The amazing thing is, you feel remarkably better when your coping methods are healthy. I remember right after the rape happened my coping was laying in a dark room for hours on end thinking of ways to die. I wanted to more than I had wanted anything else in my life. I don't know what kept me from acting on it at times. But that was an unhealthy way of keeping my mind off of the fact that I was a pile of broken, damaged, and useless goods. The other main (unhealthy) ways I coped were: excessively hot showers (physical pain took the mental pain away), allowing myself to be stuck in a complete and immobilizing blind rage towards life, the world, people, and God (I thought it would make me feel better and not feel so miserable), and complete and utter dissociating/spacing out. I would allow myself to be there physically but would be a complete vegetable mentally. This got so bad I wasn't remembering (and still can't remember) chunks of time. It got to the point where I didn't even have to try. I would just check out.
Later down the road, in my days of groups and counseling I learned how damaging these coping mechanisms were and was able to discover new ones that worked for me. What worked for me will not work for everyone else. Some that I loved were
1) Breathing. I was amazed what breathing in, holding it and letting it out slowly, repetitively until my heart rate slowed did for me. I found that I could think clearer and paint a bigger picture in my head of how I wanted to handle my feelings or trigger.
2) Writing. I love to write. Anything and everything. I may not be supreme in my ability to convey words onto a paper (or computer screen) but the relief I felt from saying ANYTHING I wanted and not have the paper talk back was invigorating. It wasn't going to judge me for thinking what I was thinking or yell at me for being triggered over something so stupid, or tell me I should just kill myself for even entertaining the idea that I could come out and think someone would ever want me. Those were all things my head told me on minute to minute basis. But writing was a beautiful way to get it out. And the best part?? If I didn't ever want to read it again or if I changed my mind about how I felt I could get rid of it. My favorite part of doing this coping mechanism was the times were I would write to my attacker. I would unleash my rage and my hurt and my pure and complete distaste for him on a paper. Then I would light a match and watch the paper burn. Sometimes those were more healing for me and did more for me than anything else could that week.
3) The arts. My sweet, incredible therapist found that I speak best and understand my own thoughts best when I can find music that fits my logic or mood and that I could express what my hopes, desires, or dark places were by capturing them on camera. My 'homework' assignments from her weekly more times than not, involved those types of things.
Finding something that you already connected with before your abuse will help you reconnect with your "normal" life again and also help bring to light some of the things you are thinking and feeling. It will help you deal with each day until you don't have to try as hard.
Some other suggestions if those won't work for you are
1) Talking. This could be to a parent, a friend, or your stuffed animal or dog. (sometimes thats nice cause they are the best listeners)
2) Exercising. To quote one of my favorite movies... "exercising gives you endorphin's. Endorphin's make you happy. Happy don't shoot their husbands! They just don't." But really there is a release of negativity there and an intake of positive and happy energy :)
3) Safe place. Get into a comfortable place and picture a place where you feel completely safe. It can be real or imaginary. Picture every detail of the place. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? What do you smell? Are you alone? What are you doing? Spend a good amount of time imagining this place so that you become familiar with it. Its helpful to come up with a cue that will help you to "visit" your safe place wen you need to. The cue can be a word, tapping your hand, or anything that will help you avoid a panic attack.. When you feel a panic attack or a flashback starting use your cue to signal that it is time to picture your safe place . You can do this until the flashback or anxiety has passed.
4) Grounding. When you need to cope through a flashback or trigger or panic attack or you feel any of those coming or you begin to have unwanted or intrusive thoughts you think or say "stop". Then you grab onto something solid and notice how the object feels. Ask yourself where am i? What is happening now? Repeat your answers at least twice. They might be answers like "I am in class. I am safe right now". At the end it is SO important to tell yourself that you handled that situation well!
I really hope that at least one of those can help. If not, that is okay, you are not a lost cause! Do some research! There are so many ideas out there!
Something that I had to learn and understand was triggers and panic attacks and nightmares are all part of something called PTSD.
"PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Most survivors of trauma return to normal given a little time. However, some people will have stress reactions that do not go away on their own, or may even get worse over time. These individuals may develop PTSD. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life." -Taken from PTSD.gov
Talking with my therapist and discovering this was something I suffered from was hard because it made me feel even more broken. Something I had to learn was PTSD isn't about what's wrong with you, it's about what happened to you.
In the midst of all of these reasons to cope something I had to tell myself over and over again is I survived the abuse, so I will survive the recovery. Yes, the recovery I think is harder. But you are already at the bottom of a pit. Where else do you have to go? I promise (again) you WILL make it, and it WILL get easier. I was given something by a wonderful friend and one of my heroes. It reads:
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion ,gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
I love this! More now than I did when it was given to me. I have found a new love and a new strength from it. Because you have to fight something so dark and so hard, you will become a beautiful person inside and out. There is something to be said about surviving an experience so intense. Some days all you can do is sit in silence, hold back the tears and pretend you are going to be alright even if you don't believe it. But this is what is important to remember.
And guess what? If you are a survivor, you are making it. If you are a survivor, you are taking steps forward. If you are a survivor, you are a force to be reckoned with. If you are a survivor YOU ARE A FIGHTER! What happened to you does not and never will define you as who you are and what you will forever become. You are strong and you are courageous.
You are wanted. You are loved. You are going to be okay!
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