I know that i just did a blog post 2 days ago. I am also aware that it was titled insecurities. Well, to be real with you, although i meant every word of that last post, I was not honest. I found that for myself that did not sit right with me. In reality, the post was short because this post was so hard for me. I haven’t narrowed it down to exactly why… maybe it was because through this blog, people have looked up to me for strength and advice...maybe it was because as soon as i said it out loud and out for the world to see it would make it real and then people would know… maybe it's just because admitting that you have such devastating insecurities is freaking scary.
But truth is that i struggle most with the insecurities that rape and depression left me.
Not all of these insecurities started with the rape. Some came about when my biological dad left. Some happened when life just got hard. A Lot surfaced when I was battling suicide and depression. But most of them started the minute i got raped. Isn’t that fascinating? That one defining moment will alter the way you think feel and act when you’ve behaved that way for your entire life prior to this one moment. Those other insecurities solidified themselves into my existence, because, even though the insecure statements and thoughts were never uttered from his lips, THIS IS HOW HE MADE ME FEEL! And unfortunately, Satan, The evil thing he is, LOVES that this is the way i feel. And because i have felt these things so deep previously he knows exactly how to whittle his way in and make it all affect every aspect of my daily life.
The really frustrating part is i don’t feel my insecurities on a daily basis. Some show themselves more on other days where a some days are really good and i don't have to feel insecure about anything and i don’t have to fight that hard...Then some days i feel like i can't fight hard enough and my insecurities win. That’s what makes them suck so bad. You have days where there is no grey and you love yourself and you love life and you love people and you love the world so you can feel what it is like to not care, not to have insecurities and just be you.
I have had people tell me “Well, if you are struggling with these things, if you really have these insecurities, then you are not ready to be in a relationship or be married (ect)”.
FALSE
I can function. I have learned how to fight my battles and i have learned how to work hard to accomplish what i want and i have learned that one moment such as rape doesn't define who i am and it never will. Truth is EVERYONE has insecurities and EVERYONE has to deal with them. And if their statement was true no one would be in their right mind to have a husband or a wife or a child or a significant other.
Well, now you have heard my ranting soap box about how insecurities suck and how clearly talking about my insecurities is an insecurity. :p
Well here it goes….the reason i do my blog...it's to be open and vulnerable enough to hopefully maybe one day help someone out, even if it's just to let them know they are not alone in what they feel...that someone else out there gets it. These are mine and the reasons why i have them and what my head tells me to make them stick around.
MY Insecurities
Being a good wife/being good enough for a man
Obviously this one has surfaced recently, since i have only been a wife since December. It was always a quiet fear in my mind in the weeks leading up to the wedding but it's much more prominent now. This isn’t a “poor me, I don’t deserve anyone”. This is just something that my mind has created. I know it started when my dad left me for good at 12 and i convinced myself that it was because i wasn’t a good enough kid for him. Then it settled deeper when a person i cared about and did my best to make things work with and make him happy because his feelings mattered to me proved to me that i wasn’t good enough for people. I was just merely a vessel for his momentary and disgusting desires.
I am nowhere near perfect. And i am okay with that! But, everytime I do something wrong in my relationship with my husband...every time i snap at him when i shouldn’t...every time I don’t do something i say i am going to do...every time I am sick and can’t work a full paycheck to help support us, that insecurity pops into my head loud and clear…
“See, You can’t do this and you will never be good enough for a man like Corey. You’re only good for a few things and being a wife isn’t it”.
How messed up is that? However, i am privileged to turn around and combat that and fight hard for things i love and want. And that is so much more rewarding to me.
Trusting too much/not enough
This is pretty cut and dry, and makes more sense to an “outsider's” eye. No matter how much progress i make, no matter how much my relationships with people progress, there comes a point in my new relationships with people that causes it to come to a halt. I start thinking i’m putting too much into this and i trust them too much and it’s a waste of time. And sadly enough (yes i recognize this and i am working on it) I start setting them up to fail. With the exception of Corey (maybe cause i’m like crazy in love with him or something...weird) I have done this with 95% of the relationships i have made since i was raped. I know that this is a subconscious thing and most of the time i don’t realize i have done it till its finished or too late. But it is there and it happens. And it’s just a side effect, if you will, of being a rape survivor. This used to be something I would beat myself up about all the time. I used the you should you shouldn’t statements to convince myself this wasn’t right. And no, it's not healthy but it takes time and effort and it’s something I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life.
My body
Yep, this one made the list. Go figure, right? I know this is something that a lot of individuals struggle with. And how can you not? Society and the world will NEVER be happy with a body image. Something's always wrong and something can always be changed. But there is something in the brain (not for everyone i just know this is common and i’ve crossed paths with a lot who have felt the same) that makes you think you and your body are disgusting and completely worthless.
Although I love the movie, and i quote this on many occasions this concept always reminds me of it. Its from shark tale and it’s when Oscar is in trouble with Mr. Sykes who is in trouble with Don Lino (the shark). Mr Sykes explains to Oscar by pulling down a chart where he fits in on the food chain.
Sykes: On the top there’s Don Lino, there’s me, there’s regular fish.
Oscar: And then that’s me!
Sykes: No. There’s plankton, there’s single-celled amoebas…
Oscar: And then me!
Sykes: I’m getting there, i’m getting there...There’s coral, there’s rocks, there’s WHALE poop, and then there’s you.
Oscar: That’s messed up…
With some humor to it (plus who doesn’t love Will Smith) that’s how you feel. You are literally below the scum of the earth. Whatever is below poop, doesn’t look good, doesn’t smell good, doesn’t feel good and isn’t good. When something isn’t good and is shown it has no REAL purpose it’s easy to believe it. Fighting my body image has been one of my hardest struggles and i’m SO grateful for the progress i’ve made and for the patience that my husband has with it and all the hiccups it causes in our relationship.That leads nicely into my next insecurity…
My intimate life with my husband
My hopes is that no one looks at this one in the wrong way. I was a virgin when i was raped. There was no sexual activity before the rape and certainly none after. The only person i have had sex with is my husband. Trying to mentally and physically make that a possibility has been SO tough. It’s either feeling like i'm only good for sex, or feeling stupid during, or feeling like i'm not doing my part to make our intimacy good for him, and unfortunately always getting triggers and flashbacks. This messes with my head more than any other insecurity i have. But I am SO INCREDIBLY blessed to have a husband who is so patient and so kind and constantly tries and makes sure I am okay and for a Heavenly Father who through the atonement can help me overcome even this insecurity. It’s one I think i will always have to fight.
Saying the wrong thing
This has gotten so much better the past year. I attribute a lot of that to the place i work and to my marriage where what i say is respected and where my voice matters. But from being raped i learned in a matter of an hour (i think i couldn’t tell you the time frame even if i tried) that when you speak and it’s not what your audience wants to hear you're punished for it in some way. When I didn’t say what he wanted i got hit or the abuse went further or longer. That quickly conditioned me to not speak what was okay and not okay to me and to have that fear of saying the wrong things.
These are just a FEW of what i struggle with (and i know i am not alone in these) on a daily basis. They are not all but these are the ones that affect me and my life choices most. Words cannot express well enough how difficult it is for me to put this out there point blank, no questions asked. But it’s true. What i have learned is THESE ARE NOT THINGS TO BE ASHAMED OF! If anyone should feel ashamed it’s the person who caused all of this because I didn’t ask for it. I said not and he should be ashamed of being a terrible human being. Thankfully, I have 3 things (well i have so many more like my family who is the most INCREDIBLE support system) that will always help me overcome my insecurities and will always help me see that light at the end of the tunnel.
1) The love of my life who always lets me know my beauty and worth is infinite
2) The temple-where you can feel the most peace and comfort and direction that you cannot find or duplicate anywhere else
3) My loving Heavenly Father-who unfailingly wraps his arms around me daily in love and comfort and hope and peace and joy and optimism. I know that through him and by him I can overcome any obstacle that comes into my path. How blessed I am for his love and his mercy.
My hope is that one day, rape and sexual assault will not be a quiet fight. The world needs to see and hear from these people who become so strong and so courageous and who have so much to teach and show the people around them.
Again, you are a beautiful person. You always have been and that light and that warmth and originality cannot be taken from you! Continue to fight and prove everyday that you are better than the person who thought they could make you less than whale poop. :)
Keep fighting for your slice of pie!
