JUST FORGIVE YOUR RAPIST AND MOVE ON

Wow. I have not done one of these in a really really long time!
I apologize if anyone actually looks forward to reading these, I have really had to take time for me and for me and my husband and spend a lot of time focusing on my mental health. When that is declining, doing my blog kind of escalates every emotion I have into a pattern of really destructive behavior. But, on a positive note I really feel like I am (again) on an up swing! I have learned a lot over the past few months and I am going into every day with a new mindset and an attitude of physical health!

SO doing this blog creates an environment for quite a few people to reach out to me in many ways. Most of them are positive. I used to really hate the negative comments and I would just delete them from my inbox/email/facebook and not think about them for fear of a rage that would burn everything I touched. However, lately I have actually ENJOYED them! They come few and far between, but, I realized that me getting those is eye-opening. Those are things people actually think, feel, and believe! Part of the reason I did this blog was to help and support other survivors. Another part was to inform the public...to be open and honest with topics based on assault that are hard and awkward to talk about.
 ANYWAYS, I received a comment a while back and it said:

"Why in the F*** are you still going on about this so many years later?! Can't you just forgive your rapist and move on? Why are you drawing this on?"

Uhhhhh WOW! Guys, at first I was pissed about this. I was just thinking 'Are you kidding me?! Lets see this happen to you and then you try and just get over it!...Ha! Nice try!'
Then I got to thinking, if this person has never had it effect them personally in their circle of friends/family, it would seem weird that I had not gotten over it yet. I mean, lets be honest, it has been a very long time. Why is it that 1 incident out of hundreds of thousands...that happened 1 day out of 9,490 days makes such a big impact on your life? I put it into perspective for this person, and never got an answer. Maybe because it made sense or maybe it made them mad, I am not going to try to find out. I asked what would happen if their brother/sister/spouse/significant other suddenly passed away. You have had so many good memories with them prior and they only died on one day out of the many days that make up your life. But every time you think about them you'll be sad/mad/cry. Every anniversary of their death will stir up more emotions. After they are gone you will think of all the should have's, could have's, and if's and even the slightest awareness of something they were fond of will instantly remind you of who they were. That death was a traumatic piece in your life. Rape was in mine. Just like when my birth dad left, or when one of my siblings was battling suicide and we were always scared what we would find when we walked in the door.

I thoroughly enjoy reading articles and publishing's on the brain and how certain life events effect it and how it responds to illnesses (mental and physical). This was something I had come across in my endeavors a few weeks back. If these things bore you to death, you certainly don't have to read it. I won't know :)

Scientists have discovered that the brain is made up of three parts: the reptilian, the mammalian, and the neomammalian. Each of these play a part in our response to trauma.

The reptilian (brain stem) part controls our survival instincts. During a traumatic experience, this part of the brain goes into reactive mode. All non-essential processes are turned off, and we go into survival mode.

The mammalian (midbrain, limbic) part of our brain processes emotions and learning, and is unique to mammals. It does not register concepts of time or logic and it evaluates everything as agreeable (pleasurable) or disagreeable (pain/distress). Survival is based on the avoidance of pain, and the repetition of pleasure.

The amygdala is located in the limbic part of our brain, and it plays a part in how we process trauma. The amygdala acts as a filter, it scans the threat our reptilian brain has reacted to and decides whether or not there is a real threat. If there is not, then it allows access to the neocortex. If it signals that there is danger, then the other parts of the brain become active (specifically the thalamus, which is also in the limbic brain), and it incites one of three alarm responses in the reptilian brain: fight, flight, or freeze (Using Mindfulness in PTSD Recovery) The body then responds to the instructions of the brain.

In normal situations, when the threat has passed, the nervous system shifts the body back into its regular status by reducing stress hormones and allowing the brain to return to its normal function. However, in trauma survivors who go on to develop PTSD, the shift from reactive back to responsive doesn’t happen. Instead, the reptilian brain keeps the survivor in a reactive state.

The traumatic event is never allowed access to the neomammalian  brain (neocortex), which is the part of the brain that controls cognitive processing, decision-making, memory, and self-awareness. It is the part of the brain that allows us to process traumatic situations and allows us to heal. Instead, the event is held in the limbic brain, the amygdala stays in an overstimulated state, and the trauma survivor remains in a loop of constant arousal, looking for and perceiving threats everywhere.

Because the memory of the event is held in the limbic brain, which doesn’t have a concept of time, events that happened 20 years ago can seem like they are happening in the present. That is why PTSD sufferers can seem like they are stuck in the past and they relive the trauma through flashbacks and nightmares

If you would like to see the full article click-------> Here

I may be totally weird but I think this is super cool. Basically I can't let it go 100% because my literal genetic makeup will not let me! That's all there is to it. If you are someone who cannot grasp that concept, that's okay with me. There are things in life I can't grasp either. But I ask that you avoid making comments like that to people who have been through things you can't/won't understand.

Now as for the forgiveness part...

I have probably mentioned it before but that is the HARDEST notion to even comprehend, let alone be able to fulfill. Really, all I have to say there, is it's not your job to tell me who to forgive, and when to do it. That is between me, myself, and my God. End of story.

I had a therapist once ask me what it meant to forgive...what It would mean I would say to my attacker. My response was clearly wrong because in the most stern voice I had ever heard him utter he said "Miquelle, not under any circumstance does the phrase "I forgive you" equal "What you did is okay"! I was so glad he told me that because I think subconsciously I had believed that. I had made my mind up that telling him "I forgive you" would mean its okay that you raped me.

The person that kick-started this blog post was not the first person to tell me to forgive my rapist, and probably won't be the last. I have had my fair share of time to ask myself how I can progress and how I can be at peace with myself for myself, not for him.

I think there are different levels of forgiveness. Letting go of my anger, for me, was a level in forgiveness. Being able to be vulnerable and love and be loved, was another level. Everyone is different and everyone's journey of 'forgiveness' will look different. I truly believe that I will not be able to 100% forgive him until I die, and have an eternal mind vs a carnal one. I also believe that as long as I am genuinely working towards healing and being healthy, that is enough.

If people say these kinds of things to you, try to educate them on it. Yes, some people choose to be narrow minded and ignorant, but I truly believe that education on the subject is a majority of the problem. There are a lot of little in's and out's to these things and it can't be learned in a day. Be patient with these people but continue to be firm in standing for yourself and your situation.

As always, keep fighting this fight...that thankfully, is getting louder!

Much love!